BAND 4.5 IELTS ESSAY SAMPLE: REVIEW AND SUGGESTIONS FOR RESTAURANT IMPROVEMENT FOLLOWING UNSATISFACTORY EXPERIENCE

Explore this Band 4.5 IELTS essay sample discussing strategies for reducing congestion in cities. Learn about the effectiveness of education campaigns and the significance of investing in public transport. Dive into a comprehensive analysis supporting public transport over private cars for a sustainable and inclusive city environment.

Writing Task

You recently visited a local restaurant with your family to celebrate your father's birthday. However, you were not satisfied with the food and services provided. Write a letter to the restaurant manager, describing your experience. In your letter: - Explain the reason for your visit to the restaurant - Describe the issues you faced with the food and services - Suggest what improvements can be made to enhance the customer experience

IELTS Writing Sample Essay with Band 6.0 Scoring and Feedback

As cities become more congested, governments are seeking ways to discourage the use of private cars in city centers. Investment in public transport and education campaigns are two methods that can be used to achieve this goal. Education campaigns can be useful in highlighting the benefits of using public transport or walking instead of driving. They can also raise awareness of the negative impacts of driving, such as air pollution and traffic accidents. However, education campaigns alone may not be enough to change people's behavior, especially if there are no viable alternatives to private cars. Investment in public transport is a more effective method for governments to consider. By improving bus services, building new train lines, or introducing bike-sharing schemes, governments can make it easier and more convenient for people to use public transport. This can reduce the number of cars on the roads, which in turn can reduce congestion and pollution. Moreover, investment in public transport can also make city centers more accessible to people who do not own cars, such as low-income families or young people. While some argue that special taxes on private cars could be effective in discouraging their use, this method may not be as sustainable as investment in public transport. Taxes may disproportionately affect low-income families who cannot afford to pay them, while investment in public transport can benefit everyone regardless of income or lifestyle. In conclusion, investment in public transport is the most important method for governments to consider when trying to discourage the use of private cars in city centers. By creating viable alternatives to driving, governments can reduce congestion, pollution, and inequality, while also promoting economic growth and improving quality of life for everyone. Education campaigns can be a useful supplement to investment in public transport, but they alone may not be enough to achieve the desired results.
Words: 307Paragraphs: 5
Submitted: 7/17/2023, 04:30 PM

Coherence And Cohesion6.0

The essay is generally well-structured with a clear progression of ideas. It follows a logical sequence, starting with an introduction, followed by body paragraphs that each focus on a specific method, and concluding with a summary of the main argument. Each paragraph is well-connected to the central theme of discouraging private car use in city centers. However, there are some areas where coherence and cohesion can be improved for a more seamless flow.

Recommendations:

  • Use more varied cohesive devices within paragraphs to link sentences and ideas. For example, using 'Moreover', 'Additionally', or 'On the other hand' can help clarify relationships between ideas.
  • Ensure each paragraph transitions smoothly to the next. Use linking words or phrases to connect ideas between paragraphs, such as 'Firstly', 'Furthermore', or 'In addition'. This will enhance the overall flow of the essay.
  • Clarify the connection between the introduction and the main body paragraphs. The introduction should more explicitly outline the structure of the essay to guide the reader through the argument.

Lexical Resource7.0

The essay demonstrates a good range of vocabulary with appropriate use of lexical items related to the topic of public transport and urban planning. The writer uses specific terms such as 'congestion', 'investment', 'public transport', 'education campaigns', 'air pollution', and 'traffic accidents', which are relevant to the topic. There is a clear attempt to use a variety of vocabulary to convey precise meaning, and most words are used accurately. However, the essay could benefit from the use of more sophisticated vocabulary and expressions to enhance the lexical resource further.

Recommendations:

  • Use synonyms to avoid repetition of common words. For instance, replace 'investment' with alternatives like 'expenditure' or 'allocation of resources' to add variety.
  • Include more collocations and idiomatic expressions where appropriate to show a stronger command of the language. For example, use phrases like 'curb car usage' or 'foster public transport reliance' to express ideas more vividly.
  • Incorporate more advanced and varied vocabulary to enhance the lexical range. For example, instead of 'make it easier and more convenient', consider phrases like 'facilitate access to' or 'streamline the use of'. This can help demonstrate a higher level of vocabulary use.

Grammatical Range7.0

The essay demonstrates a good range of grammatical structures with a mix of complex and simple sentences. The writer uses various sentence forms effectively, including conditional sentences, relative clauses, and passive voice, which shows a strong command of grammatical range. However, there are occasional lapses in accuracy, such as missing articles and prepositions, which slightly affect the overall grammatical accuracy.

Recommendations:

  • Review the use of prepositions to ensure they are appropriately applied in context, as this can enhance clarity and precision.
  • Continue practicing complex sentence structures to maintain and further enhance the variety and accuracy of grammatical forms used.
  • Pay attention to article usage ('the' and 'a') to ensure they are used correctly and consistently throughout the essay.

Task Achievement3.0

The essay does not address the given Task 1 prompt, which requires writing a letter to a restaurant manager about a specific dining experience. Instead, it discusses the topic of discouraging private car use in city centers, which is unrelated to the task.

Recommendations:

  • Use a tone and style appropriate for a formal letter, as this is required for the task.
  • Ensure that the essay directly responds to the given task prompt. Focus on writing a letter addressing the specific points mentioned: the reason for the visit, issues faced, and suggestions for improvement.
  • Structure the letter appropriately, starting with a greeting, followed by paragraphs covering each bullet point in the task prompt, and ending with a polite closing.
GRADED
6.0
Coherence and Cohesion:6.0
Lexical Resource:7.0
Grammatical Range:7.0
Task Achievement:3.0
Band Score:6.0
Coherence and Cohesion6
Logical structure6
Introduction & conclusion present6
Supported main points6
Accurate linking words6
Variety in linking words6
Lexical Resource7
Varied vocabulary7
Accurate spelling & word formation7
Grammatical Range7
Mix of complex & simple sentences7
Clear and correct grammar7
Task Achievement3
Complete response3
Clear & comprehensive ideas3
Relevant & specific examples3
Appropriate word count5
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