BAND 7.5 IELTS ESSAY SAMPLE: IMPORTANCE OF SCIENTISTS, ENGINEERS VS ARTISTS IN COUNTRY'S DEVELOPMENT

Explore our comprehensive Band 7.5 IELTS essay sample discussing the importance of a multidimensional approach to national development. Understand the balance between industrialisation, scientific progress, arts and sports as key factors for societal growth and global standing. Get insights into achieving a well-developed society through sustainable development strategies.

Writing Task

Some people believe that it is necessary for a country's development to have a large number of scientists and engineers, while others think that other professionals, such as musicians and artists, are equally important for a country's progress. Discuss both views and give your own opinion. Provide specific examples and relevant evidence to support your answer.

IELTS Writing Sample Essay with Band 6.0 Scoring and Feedback

In this industrialised and competitive era, nations endeavour for better standings in development indices to raise their profiles. To meet this goal, some believe that the majority of attention should be focused on industrialising and scientific progress while some others are on the idea that other aspects of developemnets should equally be pursued to reach a well-developed or even utopian society. The former group insist that the modern world is assosiated with technological advances in science and engineering in areas of urban design, space exploration, artificial intelligence and comprehensive healthcare to name but a few. In such a world it would be of cardinal importance for the nations to keep themselves up to date and not fall behind others in exploring new fields. Otherwise, they would be eclipsed and perhaps in need of those nations who have reached higher stages of development. Consider the rivalry of the USA and China in space military superirity for example. Each one who gains a more powerful hand in this area can easily spy over the other and attain useful information to counteract any harmful aim. The latter group, on the other hand, believe that there would not any real developement possilbe without considering other aspects too. In the example of China and the US competition for the title of the fully developed country, whichever side is able to showcase its superiority in sports competitions or introduce more elite members of their society in musics and arts, can gain more attantion among the members of the global community. Given these, this group stipulate that if other facets of developement are not followed up on the same scale, a nation may lack global acceptance as a fully developed one. I, myself, tend to agree with the second group. Not only having a power in any aspect of humanitarian achievement is benefitial for maintaining a good profile around the world but also it is necessary for a nation itself to answer its material and nonmaterial needs together. A prosperous society is in need of excellent facilities of life brought about by scientists and engineers as well as various means of raising its overall spiritis and wellbeing through works of artists and social figures. Hence governments, as deigners of developments, should take into account all the courses of action to encourage a multidimensional successful nation.
Words: 388Paragraphs: 4
Submitted: 7/21/2023, 05:52 PM

Coherence And Cohesion6.0

The essay presents a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs discussing both views, and a conclusion with the writer's opinion. Ideas are generally well-organized, and there is a logical progression, but some transitions between ideas could be improved for better flow.

Recommendations:

  • Ensure consistent use of cohesive devices like pronouns and synonyms to refer back to key ideas, which can help maintain clarity and coherence throughout the essay.
  • Use more linking words and phrases to improve the flow between sentences and paragraphs, such as 'Moreover', 'Additionally', 'Conversely', or 'On the other hand', to guide the reader through the argument more effectively.
  • Clarify the connection between examples and the main argument in each paragraph. For instance, explicitly link the US and China space rivalry example to the argument about technological advancement's importance.

Lexical Resource6.0

The essay demonstrates a good range of vocabulary relevant to the topic, including terms like 'industrialised', 'technological advances', 'space exploration', and 'multidimensional'. There is an attempt to use less common lexical items such as 'cardinal importance', 'eclipsed', and 'stipulate', which adds to the lexical resource. However, there are several spelling errors and occasional incorrect word choices that affect clarity and precision.

Recommendations:

  • Use word collocations more effectively, such as 'global acceptance' could be 'international recognition', and 'excellent facilities of life' could be 'high-quality living standards'. This will improve the naturalness of the language used.
  • Ensure that the use of complex vocabulary does not obscure the intended meaning. For example, 'deigners of developments' could be more clearly expressed as 'architects of development'. This will help in maintaining clarity and precision.
  • Improve spelling accuracy by proofreading the essay for common errors such as 'developemnets' (developments), 'assosiated' (associated), 'superirity' (superiority), 'developement' (development), 'possilbe' (possible), 'musics' (music), 'attantion' (attention), 'benefitial' (beneficial), and 'spiritis' (spirits).
  • Expand the range of vocabulary by incorporating more precise and varied synonyms to avoid repetition and enhance clarity, such as replacing 'keep themselves up to date' with 'remain current'.

Grammatical Range6.0

The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of grammatical structures, including complex and compound sentences. However, there are several grammatical errors throughout, such as subject-verb agreement, incorrect word forms, and spelling mistakes, which affect the clarity and accuracy of the writing.

Recommendations:

  • Practice using complex and compound sentence structures to improve sentence variety and fluency.
  • Pay attention to spelling, particularly with homophones and commonly confused words, to improve accuracy.
  • Ensure correct use of word forms, such as 'beneficial' instead of 'benefitial' and 'spirits' instead of 'spiritis', to enhance precision in language use.
  • Review subject-verb agreement rules to ensure verbs correctly match their subjects in number.

Task Achievement6.0

The essay addresses the task prompt by discussing both views on the importance of scientists and engineers versus artists and musicians in a country's development. It provides a clear opinion favoring the latter view and supports it with examples. However, the essay lacks specific examples and relevant evidence to fully support each argument, which affects the task achievement.

Recommendations:

  • Explicitly link the examples to the argument being made to strengthen the connection between the evidence and the point. This will help in making the argument more persuasive.
  • Provide more specific and relevant examples to support each side of the argument. For instance, mention specific technological advancements or cultural achievements that have contributed to a country's development.
  • Ensure that the examples used are directly related to the points being made. For example, when discussing the role of scientists and engineers, include examples of how specific innovations have helped a country's development.
GRADED
6.0
Coherence and Cohesion:6.0
Lexical Resource:6.0
Grammatical Range:6.0
Task Achievement:6.0
Band Score:6.0
Coherence and Cohesion6
Logical structure6
Introduction & conclusion present6
Supported main points6
Accurate linking words6
Variety in linking words6
Lexical Resource6
Varied vocabulary6
Accurate spelling & word formation5
Grammatical Range6
Mix of complex & simple sentences6
Clear and correct grammar6
Task Achievement6
Complete response6
Clear & comprehensive ideas6
Relevant & specific examples6
Appropriate word count6
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