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BAND 7.5 IELTS ESSAY SAMPLE: EXPLORING GOVERNMENT VS INDIVIDUAL ROLES IN SOLVING ENVIRONMENTAL PROBLEMS

Explore a Band 7.5 IELTS essay sample discussing the responsibility of individuals and governments in tackling climate change and deforestation due to increasing population and industries. Learn how cooperation between government and society can curb environmental issues through sustainable practices and education.

Writing Task

Some people believe that governments should take responsibility for solving environmental problems, while others argue that individuals should take the lead in finding solutions. Discuss both viewpoints and give your own opinion.

IELTS Writing Sample Essay with Band 6.0 Scoring and Feedback

Increasing world population and constructing a great deal of manufacturers lead up to augmenting surrounding issues like climate change and deforestaion. While Some people believe that controlling and mitigating these environmental problems should be done by individuals, others argue that this important task is on the government responsibility. I would say, both government and society must cooperate and incorporate to curb and decrease the environmental issues. To begin with, governments have a pivotal role in solving environmental problems by passing a sufficent budget and appropriate method with a view to struggle with and decreasing the surrounding issues. For instance, in the case of automobile industries, the fossil fuel based cars can be substituted with electronic based or hybrid based cars. As a result, it will decrease a large amount of toxic gases which are emitted by the cars. In addition, government can inform society by suitable education that if we don't protect our surrounding, it will turn into unsustainable place to live. apart from all of that being said, if the entire society try not to struggle with the environmantal problems along with the govenment, it would be demanding task for the government lonely to meet the last goal. As an example, using public transportaion and motorbike rather than their private cars would help to have a clear environment. Furthermore, separating recyclealbe trash from unrecycleable one by people will also mitigate the surrounding spoiled areas. To recapitulate, environmental issues are one of the most subject that, nowadays, will argue in many conventions,which are held all over the worlds, in order to manage and handle those problems. In my perspective, both officicals and ordinary people are responsible for paying close attention to surrounding problems and cooperate well together having a unspoiled environment.
Words: 291Paragraphs: 5
Submitted: 7/19/2023, 10:00 AM

Coherence And Cohesion6.0

The essay presents a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. However, there are issues with cohesion and coherence that affect the overall flow and readability of the text. The ideas are generally organized logically, but some paragraphs lack clear topic sentences, and the transitions between ideas are not always smooth. Additionally, there are some instances of awkward phrasing and grammar errors that disrupt the coherence.

Recommendations:

  • Review sentence structures to avoid awkward phrasing and improve readability.
  • Ensure each paragraph has a clear topic sentence that outlines the main idea of the paragraph.
  • Use linking words and phrases more effectively to connect ideas and paragraphs, such as 'Firstly', 'Secondly', 'Moreover', and 'On the other hand'.
  • Avoid using informal language and unclear pronouns that can confuse the reader, such as 'all of that being said' and 'it' without a clear antecedent.

Lexical Resource6.0

The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary relevant to the topic, but there are several inaccuracies and awkward usages that detract from clarity. Some words are used incorrectly or are misspelled, and there are instances of inappropriate word choice.

Recommendations:

  • Incorporate more complex and topic-specific vocabulary, such as 'carbon emissions' instead of 'toxic gases' to demonstrate a wider lexical range.
  • Improve word choice and collocations to enhance clarity, such as replacing 'augmenting surrounding issues' with 'increasing environmental issues'.
  • Use more precise and varied vocabulary to express ideas, such as replacing 'turn into unsustainable place' with 'become uninhabitable'.
  • Avoid repetition of words and phrases by using synonyms or rephrasing, for example, instead of repeating 'environmental problems,' use 'ecological challenges' or 'environmental concerns'.
  • Ensure correct spelling of words, such as 'deforestation' and 'environmental'.

Grammatical Range5.0

The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of grammatical structures, including complex sentences and some passive voice. However, there are frequent grammatical errors that affect clarity and coherence, such as incorrect verb forms, subject-verb agreement issues, and inconsistent use of articles.

Recommendations:

  • Pay attention to capitalization rules, such as beginning sentences with a capital letter and capitalizing proper nouns, e.g., 'Some' should not be capitalized in the middle of a sentence.
  • Improve the use of articles ('a', 'an', 'the') to ensure they are used correctly with singular and plural nouns. For instance, 'a sufficent budget and appropriate method' could be 'a sufficient budget and an appropriate method'.
  • Enhance the use of complex sentences by ensuring conjunctions and relative pronouns are used correctly. For example, 'For instance, in the case of automobile industries, the fossil fuel based cars can be substituted with electronic based or hybrid based cars' could be rephrased for clarity.
  • Work on using correct verb forms, particularly with irregular verbs and participles. For example, 'try not to struggle' could be more accurately expressed to convey the intended meaning.
  • Focus on subject-verb agreement to ensure verbs agree with their subjects in number and person. For example, 'government can inform' should be 'government can inform' or 'governments can inform'.

Task Achievement6.0

The essay addresses the task by discussing both viewpoints: the government's responsibility and the individual's role in solving environmental problems. It provides relevant examples and concludes with the writer's opinion, advocating for a cooperative approach between the government and individuals.

Recommendations:

  • Clarify the opinion in the conclusion by summarizing the key points discussed in the essay. This will reinforce the writer's stance and provide a clear, cohesive end to the argument.
  • Ensure that the introduction clearly outlines the main points to be discussed in the essay. The current introduction could be more concise and directly state the essay's structure.
  • Expand on the examples provided to enhance the explanation of how government and individual actions can solve environmental issues. This will strengthen the argument and demonstrate a deeper understanding of the topic.
GRADED
6.0
Coherence and Cohesion:6.0
Lexical Resource:6.0
Grammatical Range:5.0
Task Achievement:6.0
Band Score:6.0
Coherence and Cohesion6
Logical structure6
Introduction & conclusion present6
Supported main points6
Accurate linking words6
Variety in linking words6

Lexical Resource6
Varied vocabulary6
Accurate spelling & word formation6

Grammatical Range5
Mix of complex & simple sentences5
Clear and correct grammar5

Task Achievement6
Complete response6
Clear & comprehensive ideas6
Relevant & specific examples6
Appropriate word count6