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BAND 7.5 IELTS ESSAY SAMPLE: FUNDING FOR PUBLIC SERVICES VS ARTS - A COMPARATIVE DISCUSSION

Explore a band 7.5 IELTS essay sample discussing the importance of government funding in public services and arts. Learn how prioritizing education, healthcare, and cultural activities influences residents' life quality and city attractiveness to tourists. Balance in funding: the key to societal improvement?

Writing Task

Some people believe that the government should prioritize funding for public services, such as healthcare and education, while others think that funding for the arts and cultural activities is equally important. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

IELTS Writing Sample Essay with Band 7.0 Scoring and Feedback

Whilst there are some people who hold a strong belief that public services should be where the government prioritizes their funding because these are what make the residents' environment better, I believe that funding for the arts and cultural activities is just as necessary. On the one hand, it's true that public services, such as healthcare and education need a large amount of funding from the government. This is due to the demand for new equipment, especially in places like schools and hospitals where facilities need to be replaced frequently due to technological development. And prioritizing funding for such places will certainly bring about enormous benefits for the residents. For example, a child with both of his or her parents work near a school with up-to-date facilities will definitely have an easier time going to school. On the other hand, arts and cultural activities also need a massive amount of funding from the government. The reason is that these fields serve both as the entertainment for city's residents and as attractions to attract tourists to the city. Without the entertainment needed, people will always feel like they are under pressure, which leads to lower efficiency in their work. And without any cultural attractions, the source of money from tourists will be greatly decreased. I totally agree that the funding for the arts and cultural activities is no less important compare to that for public services. In conclusion, while there are people who believe that the government should pour all their funding into public services for the residents' benefits, I believe that the funding for the arts and cultural activities is equally important.
Words: 272Paragraphs: 1
Submitted: 7/15/2023, 02:25 PM

Coherence And Cohesion7.0

The essay is structured with clear paragraphs addressing both views and the writer's opinion. However, there are some issues with the logical flow and linkage between ideas, which affects the overall coherence and cohesion.

Recommendations:

  • Consider using more varied sentence structures to improve the flow of information and maintain reader interest.
  • Use more linking words and phrases to connect ideas within and between paragraphs, such as 'furthermore', 'in addition', or 'however'.
  • Ensure that each paragraph has a clear central idea and that supporting sentences directly relate to this idea to enhance coherence.
  • Improve the use of referencing to avoid repetition and achieve smoother transitions, such as using pronouns or synonyms to refer back to previously mentioned ideas.

Lexical Resource7.0

The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with some attempts to use less common lexical items, such as 'technological development' and 'cultural attractions'. However, there are a few instances of awkward phrasing and incorrect word forms, such as 'compare to' instead of 'compared to'. The vocabulary is generally appropriate for the task, but lacks precision and variety in some parts.

Recommendations:

  • Incorporate more topic-specific vocabulary related to arts and public services to show a deeper lexical resource.
  • Expand your range of vocabulary by learning synonyms and less common words related to the topic. For example, instead of 'massive amount of funding', you could use 'substantial investment'.
  • Be cautious of word forms and collocations. For instance, use 'compared to' instead of 'compare to' and ensure correct use of phrases.

Grammatical Range7.0

The essay demonstrates a good range of grammatical structures, including complex sentences and a variety of sentence types. There are instances of both simple and complex sentences, which help in conveying the arguments effectively. However, there are minor grammatical errors and some awkward phrasing that slightly hinder clarity.

Recommendations:

  • Use more varied sentence structures, such as conditional sentences, to enhance the grammatical range.
  • Avoid awkward phrasing by reviewing sentences for clarity, such as 'I totally agree that the funding for the arts and cultural activities is no less important compare to that for public services,' which should be 'compared to that for public services.'
  • Pay attention to subject-verb agreement, especially in sentences like 'a child with both of his or her parents work near a school' which should be 'a child with both of his or her parents working near a school.'
  • Ensure consistent use of tense throughout the essay to maintain clarity and coherence.

Task Achievement7.0

The essay addresses the task prompt by discussing both views on government funding priorities for public services and arts and cultural activities. It presents arguments for both sides and provides a clear opinion favoring equal importance for arts and cultural activities.

Recommendations:

  • Clarify the connection between the points made in each paragraph and how they relate to the overall argument, ensuring coherence and clear task achievement.
  • Provide more specific examples to support the arguments presented for both public services and arts funding. This will strengthen the discussion and demonstrate a deeper understanding of the topic.
  • Ensure that the opinion is clearly integrated throughout the essay, not just in the conclusion, to demonstrate a consistent stance.
GRADED
7.0
Coherence and Cohesion:7.0
Lexical Resource:7.0
Grammatical Range:7.0
Task Achievement:7.0
Band Score:7.0
Coherence and Cohesion7
Logical structure7
Introduction & conclusion present7
Supported main points7
Accurate linking words7
Variety in linking words7

Lexical Resource7
Varied vocabulary7
Accurate spelling & word formation7

Grammatical Range7
Mix of complex & simple sentences7
Clear and correct grammar7

Task Achievement7
Complete response7
Clear & comprehensive ideas7
Relevant & specific examples7
Appropriate word count7