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BAND 7.5 IELTS ESSAY SAMPLE: CORPORATE FUNDING VS SELF-FUNDING FOR EMPLOYEE EDUCATION

Explore this insightful Band 7.5 IELTS essay sample discussing the pros and cons of corporations funding their workers' continuing education. Understand the impacts on productivity, financial dependencies, and overall workforce development. Ideal for IELTS preparation and corporate HR strategies.

Writing Task

Some people believe that companies should provide financial support to employees who want to further their education, while others argue that it is the responsibility of employees to fund their own education. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

IELTS Writing Sample Essay with Band 7.0 Scoring and Feedback

While certain sections of society state that corporations should fund their workers to further strengthen and pursue their education, others believe the polar opposite and feel it's the sole responsibility of the individual to manage on their own if they want to study further. I tend to agree with the former as I believe companies channeling their monetary funds for the development of their workforce is eventually going to repay them significantly making it a win-win situation for all engaged. To begin with, in the contemporary epoch, companies tend to care more about their workers as it is ultimately beneficial for them. This is evident by the constant development of HR services and various grants provided to the people who work within the company. Consequently, this makes the worker elated and stress-free which equates to better performance and higher productivity for the company. To elucidate, a worldwide brand Infosys invests in various fields including education and sports on behalf of their workers stating the fact that by making their employees much more masterful and efficient they have witnessed exponential growth in the output for their association. Thus, the benefits of putting money on the employees are indubitable. With that being said, it is often recommended that a person should not be financially dependent on a company and should take the onus of completing their education by themselves. To elaborate, by depending on big associations, individuals can get under loads of pressure to repay them back and in the process get severely manipulated. For instance, many companies take advantage of this fact and pressurize their workers to do double or even triple the amount of work. Hence, highlighting the downside associated with this scheme. In conclusion, although there is no denying that an individual should do their best to fund their further studies on their own, sometimes it is not possible owing to which they depend on companies and get blackmailed by them. However, I concur that by providing money to their workforce these MNCs can instill unparalleled skills within them boosting their confidence which would inevitably lead to their success.
Words: 350Paragraphs: 4
Submitted: 7/15/2023, 06:31 PM

Coherence And Cohesion7.0

The essay presents a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. The ideas are logically sequenced, and there is a clear progression of ideas throughout the essay. However, there are areas where coherence and cohesion could be improved, such as the use of linking words and phrases to enhance the flow between sentences and ideas.

Recommendations:

  • Improve the transitions between paragraphs. The transition from discussing benefits to discussing drawbacks could be smoother with a linking sentence.
  • Use a wider range of cohesive devices and linking words to connect sentences and ideas more effectively, such as 'furthermore', 'in addition', or 'on the other hand'.
  • Ensure each paragraph has a clear central idea that is consistently developed. For example, the second paragraph could have a clearer topic sentence to guide the reader.

Lexical Resource7.0

The essay demonstrates a range of vocabulary with some precision and variety, but there are instances of informal language and awkward phrasing. There is an attempt to use less common lexical items, though not always accurately.

Recommendations:

  • Expand your lexical range by incorporating synonyms and varied expressions, such as using 'financial assistance' instead of repeatedly saying 'funding.'
  • Avoid informal language such as 'get under loads of pressure' and replace it with more formal expressions like 'experience significant pressure.'
  • Enhance precision by using more specific vocabulary. For instance, replace 'making it a win-win situation for all engaged' with 'creating mutual benefits for both parties.'
  • Ensure correct usage of less common lexical items. For example, 'polar opposite' can be replaced with 'conversely' to maintain formal tone and clarity.
  • Pay attention to collocations to improve naturalness. For example, instead of 'channeling their monetary funds,' use 'allocating financial resources.'

Grammatical Range7.0

The essay demonstrates a good range of grammatical structures, including complex sentences and appropriate use of passive voice. There is generally good control of grammar, although there are some minor errors and awkward constructions that occasionally hinder clarity.

Recommendations:

  • Increase the variety of sentence structures by incorporating more conditional sentences and relative clauses to enhance grammatical range.
  • Vary sentence length to improve readability and maintain the reader's interest, balancing between long, complex sentences and shorter, simpler ones.
  • Pay attention to subject-verb agreement, especially in complex sentences, to avoid errors that can affect the clarity of your argument.
  • Review the use of articles ('a', 'an', 'the') to ensure they are used correctly and consistently throughout the essay.

Task Achievement7.0

The essay addresses both views of the prompt and provides a clear opinion, which is well-argued and supported with examples. The candidate effectively discusses the benefits of companies funding employee education and the potential drawbacks of employees funding their own education. The opinion is clearly stated and supported throughout the essay.

Recommendations:

  • Ensure that all parts of the task prompt are addressed with balanced coverage. While the essay discusses both views, the argument for companies funding education is more developed than the counterargument. Consider providing more examples or explanations for the view that employees should fund their own education.
  • Strengthen the conclusion by clearly summarizing the main points discussed in the essay. While the conclusion reiterates the candidate's opinion, it could be improved by succinctly summarizing the key arguments for both views.
GRADED
7.0
Coherence and Cohesion:7.0
Lexical Resource:7.0
Grammatical Range:7.0
Task Achievement:7.0
Band Score:7.0
Coherence and Cohesion7
Logical structure7
Introduction & conclusion present7
Supported main points7
Accurate linking words7
Variety in linking words7

Lexical Resource7
Varied vocabulary7
Accurate spelling & word formation7

Grammatical Range7
Mix of complex & simple sentences7
Clear and correct grammar7

Task Achievement7
Complete response7
Clear & comprehensive ideas7
Relevant & specific examples7
Appropriate word count7