Help us improve!Share your feedback and help make IELTS CHAMP better for everyone.

Leave Feedback

BAND 6.5 IELTS ESSAY SAMPLE: PUBLIC SERVICES VS ARTS FUNDING - A COMPARATIVE ANALYSIS AND DISCUSSION

Discover our band 6.5 IELTS essay sample discussing the priority of budget allocation between public sectors such as healthcare, education, and cultural matters. Explore the importance of preserving cultural identity and the impact of budgeting on societal health and literacy rates.

Writing Task

Some people believe that the government should prioritize funding for public services, such as healthcare and education, while others think that funding for the arts and cultural activities is equally important. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

IELTS Writing Sample Essay with Band 6.0 Scoring and Feedback

There are different view about whether governments invest in public sectors, including healthcare or education,or cultural matters and arts.While i believe that both of these sectors should be regarded in terms of budgeting,healthcare and education should be prioritized in terms of allocating budgets. people who advocate that states should be as attentive on areas like arts and cultural activities as tothers like education and healthcare ,focus on the importance of the role of these sectors in preservation of the cultural identity and heritage of a society .If governments allocate finance to maintain cultural identity and arts which is in close connection with the collective identity of a nation,they could conserve the customs and traditions belonging to their society.for example,without budgeting on traditional festivals,our cultural heritage would be disappeared. On the other hand,i believe that budgeting on education and healthcare is more pivotal,and goverments should pay more attention to it in terms of funding.firstly, if the public benefit from more facilities in healthcare sector,the entire society would be more healthy,thus,more productive to help thrive their community around them.furthermore,allocating budget to education and more free schooling,leads to more literacy rate in underprivileged who could not afford the expenses in private educational environments.For example,I know a large variety of deprived teenagers who could reach good career prospects with the taking the advantages of attending public schools which were well equipped and prosperous. in conclusion,while arts and healthcare have crucial parts to play,i believe that healthcare and education are more paramount in terms of financial budgeting.
Words: 252Paragraphs: 4
Submitted: 7/20/2023, 05:17 AM

Coherence And Cohesion6.0

The essay attempts to discuss both views regarding government funding priorities and presents an opinion. However, the coherence and cohesion are affected by inconsistent paragraph organization and unclear connections between ideas.

Recommendations:

  • Avoid run-on sentences by breaking them into shorter, more manageable sentences to improve clarity and understanding.
  • Use linking words and phrases more effectively to connect ideas within and between paragraphs, such as 'on the other hand' for contrasting ideas, or 'furthermore' to add information.
  • Improve paragraph transitions to guide the reader through the argument more smoothly, ensuring that each paragraph naturally flows from the previous one.
  • Ensure each paragraph has a clear central idea and logical progression. For instance, the first paragraph should clearly introduce the topic and outline the structure of the essay.

Lexical Resource6.0

The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary relevant to the topic, with some attempts at using less common lexical items. However, there are several noticeable errors in word choice, collocations, and spelling that affect clarity and precision.

Recommendations:

  • Use synonyms and varied sentence structures to avoid repetition, such as using 'funding' instead of repeating 'budgeting' multiple times.
  • Ensure correct word choice and collocations for better clarity, such as using 'investment in public sectors' instead of 'invest in public sectors'.
  • Pay attention to spelling and spacing errors, like 'i' instead of 'I', 'goverments' instead of 'governments', and missing spaces after commas.
  • Expand your range of vocabulary by incorporating more precise and varied expressions, particularly for key terms like 'budgeting', 'allocate', and 'prioritize'.

Grammatical Range5.0

The essay demonstrates a limited range of grammatical structures and contains several grammatical errors. Simple and compound sentence structures are primarily used, with occasional attempts at more complex constructions. However, these attempts often result in errors that impede understanding.

Recommendations:

  • Use a variety of sentence structures, including complex sentences, to enhance grammatical range. For instance, the sentence 'If governments allocate finance...' could be expanded with additional clauses for complexity.
  • Improve the use of articles ('the', 'a', 'an') and prepositions in sentences. For example, 'in preservation of the cultural identity' could be improved with better preposition use.
  • Consistently use the correct tense, especially when discussing general truths or habitual actions. For example, 'our cultural heritage would be disappeared' should be revised to 'our cultural heritage would disappear.'
  • Ensure subject-verb agreement is maintained throughout the essay. For example, 'There are different view' should be 'There are different views.'
  • Pay attention to punctuation, especially the use of commas and periods, to avoid run-on sentences and to clarify meaning. For example, 'people who advocate that states should...' should begin with a capital letter, and commas should be used to separate clauses properly.

Task Achievement6.0

The essay addresses both views of the prompt, discussing the importance of funding public services like healthcare and education versus arts and cultural activities. The writer provides a clear stance, favoring the prioritization of healthcare and education.

Recommendations:

  • Ensure a balanced discussion by elaborating more on the argument supporting funding for the arts and cultural activities to match the depth of the healthcare and education discussion.
  • Use specific examples to support the argument for arts and culture funding, similar to the examples provided for education and healthcare, to strengthen the task achievement.
  • Explicitly state your opinion in the introduction and conclusion to clearly fulfill the task requirement of providing your own perspective.
GRADED
6.0
Coherence and Cohesion:6.0
Lexical Resource:6.0
Grammatical Range:5.0
Task Achievement:6.0
Band Score:6.0
Coherence and Cohesion6
Logical structure6
Introduction & conclusion present6
Supported main points6
Accurate linking words6
Variety in linking words6

Lexical Resource6
Varied vocabulary6
Accurate spelling & word formation6

Grammatical Range5
Mix of complex & simple sentences5
Clear and correct grammar5

Task Achievement6
Complete response6
Clear & comprehensive ideas6
Relevant & specific examples6
Appropriate word count6