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BAND 6.5 IELTS ESSAY SAMPLE: IMPACT OF TECHNOLOGY ON INTERPERSONAL COMMUNICATION AND SOCIAL INTERACTIONS

Explore an insightful IELTS essay sample scoring 6.5, discussing the mixed impacts of social media on society. Understand the negative effects including family issues, mental health concerns, and harmful content exposure, as well as its positive side such as global connectivity, knowledge sharing, and interest development. Learn how to strike a balance for optimal social media use.

Writing Task

Some people believe that technological advancements have negatively impacted the interpersonal communication skills and social interactions among individuals. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this view? Give reasons for your answer, including examples from your own experience or knowledge.

IELTS Writing Sample Essay with Band 6.0 Scoring and Feedback

By progression of IT technology the usage rate of social media has dramatically increased in recent years. I agree with the negative impacts of the social media but there are definitely many advantages to internet and virtual reality which outweigh the drawbacks. In this essay I intend to debate the benefits and disadvantages of social media and compare them with each other. Many individuals claim that social media has negative impacts on community. For instance, spending so much time on internet would lead to some problems such as wasting people time, declining the families get together which would lead to social and family problems like increasing divorce rates and crime rate in community. Furthermore, spending excessive time on internet can be harmful for health. Many scientific researches have demonstrated that individuals who spend so much on social media would be endangered of mental disease like decrease in their concentration and mind power. Also, some other people are in risk of violent manners which are the effects of social media contents. Depends on the contents of social media it has a wide range of impacts on different members of society. For instance, concerning children violent and sexual contents could be literally terrible. On the other hand, social media has positive impacts on community too. Firstly, it informed people about any topics from political, art, sport to weather. Secondly, people all around the world apart from their distance can easily chat, communicate and video call to each other which is really interesting compared to past. Finally, Individuals have the possibility to share their interests and capabilities and train them to others and these are really gorgeous. In conclusion, I believe that social media can have potentially many dangerous drawbacks and negative points but by balancing and controlling the conditions we can minimize the disadvantages. For example, by planning to spend a limited time on social media every day it is possible to supervise our performance.
Words: 323Paragraphs: 1
Submitted: 7/22/2023, 09:02 PM

Coherence And Cohesion6.0

The essay generally follows a logical structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. However, there are some issues with logical progression and paragraphing that affect coherence and cohesion.

Recommendations:

  • Maintain consistent paragraphing. Each paragraph should focus on a single main point or idea, which should be clearly stated at the beginning of the paragraph.
  • Ensure each paragraph has a clear central idea and that ideas are logically connected. For instance, the introduction should clearly state the stance and outline the main points to be discussed.
  • Improve the use of cohesive devices to link ideas within and between paragraphs. For example, use more varied linking words and phrases to show contrast and comparison (e.g., 'however,' 'on the other hand').
  • Develop a more balanced discussion by ensuring each point is adequately supported with examples or explanations, and ensure that the essay consistently addresses both sides of the argument as per the prompt.

Lexical Resource6.0

The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary relevant to the topic of technological advancements and social media. Terms like 'progression of IT technology', 'interpersonal communication skills', 'virtual reality', and 'mental disease' are used to convey complex ideas. However, there are instances where word choice is awkward or incorrect, such as 'researches' instead of 'research', and phrases like 'depends on the contents' which should be 'depending on the content'.

Recommendations:

  • Use more sophisticated language to express comparisons and contrasts, such as 'advantages outweigh disadvantages' instead of 'compare them with each other'.
  • Expand your range of vocabulary by incorporating more precise and varied language to express your ideas. For example, use 'technological innovations' instead of 'progression of IT technology' and 'mental health issues' instead of 'mental disease'.
  • Pay attention to collocations and word forms to avoid errors. For example, use 'research' instead of 'researches' and 'depending on the content' instead of 'depends on the contents'.

Grammatical Range6.0

The essay demonstrates a basic range of grammatical structures with some complexity, but there are noticeable errors that affect clarity and precision.

Recommendations:

  • Correct preposition use, such as 'endangered of mental disease' should be 'endangered by mental disease' or 'at risk of mental disease'.
  • Pay attention to subject-verb agreement, especially in complex sentences. For example, 'Many scientific researches have demonstrated that individuals who spend so much on social media would be endangered of mental disease...' should maintain agreement in number and tense.
  • Improve the use of articles ('the', 'a', 'an'). For instance, 'the progression of IT technology' should be 'the progression of IT technology', and 'by balancing and controlling the conditions' needs 'the' before 'conditions'.
  • Use more varied sentence structures to demonstrate a wider grammatical range. For example, instead of using simple sentences repeatedly, try using compound or complex sentences to show a better command of English.
  • Ensure correct verb forms and consistency in tense, as seen in 'spending so much time on internet would lead to some problems' which needs a more consistent tense usage.

Task Achievement6.0

The essay addresses the task prompt by discussing both the negative and positive impacts of social media on interpersonal communication and social interactions. The writer takes a clear stance, acknowledging the negative impacts but also highlighting the benefits that outweigh the drawbacks. The essay provides some examples, such as increased divorce rates and the risk of mental disease, to support the argument. However, the examples could be more specific and directly related to interpersonal communication skills. Overall, the task is achieved to a reasonable extent, but there is room for more precise alignment with the prompt's focus on interpersonal communication.

Recommendations:

  • Provide more specific examples directly related to interpersonal communication skills, such as how social media affects face-to-face interactions.
  • Clarify and expand on the comparison between the benefits and disadvantages of social media in relation to interpersonal communication, as stated in the introduction.
  • Ensure the essay maintains a clear focus on the impact of technological advancements on interpersonal communication, rather than general societal impacts.
GRADED
6.0
Coherence and Cohesion:6.0
Lexical Resource:6.0
Grammatical Range:6.0
Task Achievement:6.0
Band Score:6.0
Coherence and Cohesion6
Logical structure6
Introduction & conclusion present6
Supported main points6
Accurate linking words6
Variety in linking words6
Lexical Resource6
Varied vocabulary6
Accurate spelling & word formation6
Grammatical Range6
Mix of complex & simple sentences6
Clear and correct grammar6
Task Achievement6
Complete response6
Clear & comprehensive ideas6
Relevant & specific examples6
Appropriate word count6
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