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BAND 6.5 IELTS ESSAY SAMPLE: DISCUSSING THE RELEVANCE OF LEARNING NATIONAL HISTORY VS. OTHER GLOBAL SUBJECTS

Explore our band 6.5 score IELTS essay sample debating the importance of teaching history versus modern sciences in schools. Discover valuable insights into the societal advantages of studying history, as well as the pivotal role scientific knowledge plays in aspects of human life like well-being, economics, and food supply. Join the discourse on what subjects are truly important for the youth to learn for a prosperous future.

Writing Task

Some people believe that it is essential for young people to learn about the history of their country, while others argue that other subjects are more important in today's globalized world. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

IELTS Writing Sample Essay with Band 6.0 Scoring and Feedback

There are an overwhelming argument about learning teaching history in schools. When some believe that children must be taught about historical aspects of their countries others claims other modern sciences are more important. I think modern subjects like physics and science are more beneficial for a society and must be considered as more important subjects. Many argue that by studying history people can take advantages of experiences which our ancestor have obtained. There are a lot of lessons in our society background that some of them are valuable for our current life. For example, by reading the history of agriculture we can find the best way of dealing with draught. In addition, when children know about their history and traditions they establish a relationship with their roots and consequently they fill more connection with their society. This connection is crucial for their future success. For instance, a survey reveals that youth in family-based society, who admire their history and custom, are more educated. Conversely, a vast amount of people think history is an old-fashioned subject and children have to learn new subjects which are mostly categorized as scientific knowledge. They believe these fields are more useful for the people since they directly connected to important aspects of human life, such as well-being, economics and food supply. For example, a doctor can be more beneficial rather than a historian while many people have health problems. All in all, while there are different views regarding the importance of history I strongly believe history is not the most important subject to learn and children most know more useful subjects like science.
Words: 268Paragraphs: 2
Submitted: 7/22/2023, 06:54 AM

Coherence And Cohesion6.0

The essay presents a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs discussing both views, and a conclusion. However, there are some issues with coherence and cohesion that affect the overall flow and clarity of the essay.

Recommendations:

  • Vary sentence structures to improve the overall flow of the essay. This can help in maintaining reader interest and making the argument more engaging.
  • Use more cohesive devices to link ideas between sentences and paragraphs. For example, use phrases like 'On the other hand' or 'In contrast' to introduce opposing views clearly.
  • Ensure that each paragraph has a clear central idea and that supporting sentences are directly related to it. For instance, the paragraph discussing the benefits of history could better integrate the example of agriculture to directly connect it to the main idea.
  • Clarify the connection between ideas by explicitly stating how examples support the main arguments. For instance, explain more clearly how a doctor’s usefulness relates to the argument about the importance of modern sciences over history.

Lexical Resource6.0

The essay demonstrates a basic range of vocabulary with some attempt to use less common lexical items. However, there are noticeable errors in word choice, collocation, and word form, which sometimes impede clarity.

Recommendations:

  • Use synonyms to avoid repetition, such as using 'subjects' instead of repeating 'modern subjects' and 'new subjects.'
  • Expand your vocabulary range by learning and practicing less common lexical items and phrases related to education, history, and globalization.
  • Pay attention to word choice and collocation. For example, 'overwhelming argument' should be 'overwhelming debate' or 'strong argument.'
  • Ensure correct word forms are used. For example, 'draught' should be 'drought,' and 'fill more connection' should be 'feel more connected.'

Grammatical Range6.0

The essay demonstrates a basic range of grammatical structures, with a mix of simple and complex sentences. However, there are frequent grammatical errors, particularly with subject-verb agreement, article usage, and sentence fragments, which impact the clarity and precision of the essay.

Recommendations:

  • Ensure proper tense usage and consistency throughout the essay, such as 'children most know' should be 'children must know.'
  • Avoid sentence fragments by ensuring each sentence has a subject and a verb, such as 'When some believe that children must be taught about historical aspects of their countries others claims other modern sciences are more important.' This could be split into two sentences or restructured for clarity.
  • Use more varied sentence structures to enhance grammatical range, such as incorporating more complex sentences and conditional clauses.
  • Pay attention to subject-verb agreement errors, such as 'others claims' should be 'others claim.'
  • Improve article usage, for example, use 'a' or 'the' appropriately, as in 'an overwhelming argument' instead of 'an overwhelming argument.'

Task Achievement6.0

The essay addresses the task by discussing both sides of the argument regarding the importance of learning history versus modern subjects in schools. The writer presents their opinion clearly, favoring modern subjects like science and physics over history. However, the essay could benefit from a more balanced discussion and clearer support for each viewpoint.

Recommendations:

  • Use more specific examples to illustrate points in the discussion, particularly for the benefits of learning history.
  • Ensure both views are equally developed with supporting arguments and examples. The paragraph supporting history as important is less developed than the paragraph supporting modern subjects.
  • Conclude with a summary that reflects a balanced view before stating your opinion to show a comprehensive understanding of both sides.
  • Clarify and strengthen the thesis statement to reflect the discussion more accurately. The current thesis suggests a strong bias towards modern subjects without adequately discussing the importance of history.
GRADED
6.0
Coherence and Cohesion:6.0
Lexical Resource:6.0
Grammatical Range:6.0
Task Achievement:6.0
Band Score:6.0
Coherence and Cohesion6
Logical structure6
Introduction & conclusion present6
Supported main points6
Accurate linking words6
Variety in linking words6

Lexical Resource6
Varied vocabulary6
Accurate spelling & word formation6

Grammatical Range6
Mix of complex & simple sentences6
Clear and correct grammar6

Task Achievement6
Complete response6
Clear & comprehensive ideas6
Relevant & specific examples6
Appropriate word count6