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BAND 5.5 IELTS ESSAY SAMPLE: COMPARING CHILDHOOD IN COUNTRYSIDE VS BIG CITY - DISCUSSING VIEWS & OPINIONS

Explore the impact of children's environment on their growth through this Band 5.5 IELTS essay. Analyze the pros and cons of growing up in the countryside versus metropolitan areas, including education quality, outdoor activities, and health concerns. Discover how online education levels the playing field and why countryside might be a better option today.

Writing Task

Some people believe that it is better for children to grow up in the countryside rather than in a big city. Do you agree or disagree? Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

IELTS Writing Sample Essay with Band 6.0 Scoring and Feedback

The invironment the children grow up has a great impact on their life. Many consider grwing up in the country side as a better option compared to metropolicians. While there are some plus ponts growing up in both invironments, I agree that the countryside would be more beneficial. Firstly, leaving in a big city is being considered as a great opportunity for children as they are mostly being thought by newest methods and high technology. Moreovere, most of well rounded teachers are in these cities. However, children in contryside have less access to such educational facilities and ptofessional teachers. Hence, children sho reside in big cities are probably more susceptible to become well educated adult with higher degrees. Having said that, being more fields and playgrounds or yards in suburbs, it is more probable for children in these areas to have outdoor activities. These activities at the fresh air of the contryside is extremely beneficial for children’s wellbeing compared to the polluted invoironment of the cities where children mostly play indoor with their cellphones or computers. As a result, children in suburban areas are more probable to become halthy individuals. In my opinion, nurturing children in contryside is a better option nowadays. Since the online courses are becoming more available with high quality to all children, almost all children have equal apportunity to educate properly. In addition, the environment of megacities is becoming more and more polluted and hazardous for children. In conclusion, while leaving city could have been educationaly more profitable for the children, this is no longer a difference thanks to online technology. However, becoming physically more healthy thaks to the clean evironment and outdoor activities in the suburban areas, i agree that it is better for children to grow up in such places.
Words: 296Paragraphs: 5
Submitted: 7/18/2023, 08:58 AM

Coherence And Cohesion6.0

The essay presents a structured argument discussing both views on whether children benefit more from growing up in the countryside or a big city. The writer generally organizes the essay with an introduction, two body paragraphs discussing each perspective, and a concluding paragraph stating their opinion. However, the essay lacks clear linking phrases and cohesive devices, which affects the overall flow and readability.

Recommendations:

  • Avoid repetition of ideas or phrases. For instance, the notion of online courses equalizing educational opportunities is mentioned in both the opinion and conclusion sections.
  • Clarify the progression of ideas within paragraphs. For example, in the paragraph about city life, better connect the points about education and technology to create a more cohesive argument.
  • Use more cohesive devices and linking words to connect ideas between sentences and paragraphs, such as 'on the other hand,' 'in contrast,' or 'furthermore.'
  • Ensure each paragraph transitions smoothly to the next. For example, after discussing the advantages of city life, use a transitional phrase to introduce the benefits of countryside living.

Lexical Resource6.0

The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary with some attempt at using less common words, but there are frequent spelling errors and some awkward word choices that affect clarity.

Recommendations:

  • Explore the use of idiomatic expressions and less common lexical items to enhance the richness of the language used.
  • Expand the range of vocabulary by incorporating more precise and varied word choices, such as using 'urban areas' instead of 'big city' and 'rural areas' instead of 'countryside'.
  • Use collocations and phrases more naturally, such as 'grow up in the countryside' instead of 'grwing up in the country side'.
  • Avoid repetition of words like 'invironment', 'children', and 'cities' by using synonyms and varying sentence structures.
  • Work on spelling accuracy, particularly for words like 'environment', 'countryside', 'metropolises', 'leaving', and 'opportunity'.

Grammatical Range5.0

The essay demonstrates a range of grammatical structures, including complex sentences, but there are frequent errors in grammar and spelling that sometimes obscure meaning.

Recommendations:

  • Use consistent tense throughout the essay to maintain clarity and coherence.
  • Ensure correct use of articles, for example, 'leaving in a big city' should be 'living in a big city.'
  • Refine word choice and usage, such as 'leaving city could have been educationaly more profitable' which should be 'living in the city could have been more educationally beneficial.'
  • Avoid run-on sentences and ensure proper punctuation to separate ideas, as seen in 'Having said that, being more fields and playgrounds or yards in suburbs, it is more probable for children in these areas to have outdoor activities.'
  • Review subject-verb agreement, particularly in sentences like 'the invironment the children grow up has a great impact' which should be 'the environment in which children grow up has a great impact.'
  • Improve spelling accuracy, as there are multiple spelling errors such as 'invironment,' 'grwing,' 'metropolicians,' and 'ptofessional.'

Task Achievement6.0

The essay addresses the task prompt by discussing both viewpoints on whether it is better for children to grow up in the countryside or a big city. The writer expresses a clear opinion favoring the countryside, supported by arguments related to education and health. However, the essay occasionally deviates from the task by not fully exploring both views in depth and lacks examples to strengthen the argument.

Recommendations:

  • Provide specific examples or evidence to support the claims made, such as mentioning specific online courses or health statistics.
  • Ensure both views are equally discussed with supporting arguments and examples. For instance, elaborate more on the benefits of city life for children beyond education.
  • Clarify the position in the introduction and conclusion to ensure it aligns with the discussion. The conclusion should succinctly restate the position with a summary of key points.
GRADED
6.0
Coherence and Cohesion:6.0
Lexical Resource:6.0
Grammatical Range:5.0
Task Achievement:6.0
Band Score:6.0
Coherence and Cohesion6
Logical structure6
Introduction & conclusion present6
Supported main points6
Accurate linking words6
Variety in linking words6

Lexical Resource6
Varied vocabulary6
Accurate spelling & word formation5

Grammatical Range5
Mix of complex & simple sentences5
Clear and correct grammar5

Task Achievement6
Complete response6
Clear & comprehensive ideas6
Relevant & specific examples6
Appropriate word count6