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BAND 5.0 IELTS ESSAY SAMPLE: BALANCING CAREER VS PERSONAL LIFE - DISCUSSING BOTH ARGUMENTS

Explore a Band 5.0 IELTS essay sample discussing how governments can discourage private car use in congested cities. Our essay evaluates the role of education campaigns, investment in public transport, and special taxes. Discover how these methods impact congestion, pollution, inequality, and quality of life.

Writing Task

Some people argue that individuals should prioritize their career over their personal lives, while others believe that maintaining a balance between the two is more important. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

IELTS Writing Sample Essay with Band 4.5 Scoring and Feedback

As cities become more congested, governments are seeking ways to discourage the use of private cars in city centers. Investment in public transport and education campaigns are two methods that can be used to achieve this goal. Education campaigns can be useful in highlighting the benefits of using public transport or walking instead of driving. They can also raise awareness of the negative impacts of driving, such as air pollution and traffic accidents. However, education campaigns alone may not be enough to change people's behavior, especially if there are no viable alternatives to private cars. Investment in public transport is a more effective method for governments to consider. By improving bus services, building new train lines, or introducing bike-sharing schemes, governments can make it easier and more convenient for people to use public transport. This can reduce the number of cars on the roads, which in turn can reduce congestion and pollution. Moreover, investment in public transport can also make city centers more accessible to people who do not own cars, such as low-income families or young people. While some argue that special taxes on private cars could be effective in discouraging their use, this method may not be as sustainable as investment in public transport. Taxes may disproportionately affect low-income families who cannot afford to pay them, while investment in public transport can benefit everyone regardless of income or lifestyle. In conclusion, investment in public transport is the most important method for governments to consider when trying to discourage the use of private cars in city centers. By creating viable alternatives to driving, governments can reduce congestion, pollution, and inequality, while also promoting economic growth and improving quality of life for everyone. Education campaigns can be a useful supplement to investment in public transport, but they alone may not be enough to achieve the desired results.
Words: 307Paragraphs: 5
Submitted: 7/17/2023, 04:23 PM

Coherence And Cohesion5.0

The essay lacks coherence and cohesion as it does not address the given prompt about balancing career and personal life. Instead, it discusses reducing car usage in city centers, making it off-topic. Within the essay, the ideas are logically structured with clear paragraphs, but there is a lack of clear linkage to the actual task, leading to a disconnect between the task and the response.

Recommendations:

  • Use transitional phrases to connect ideas more effectively within paragraphs to maintain a logical flow, even when discussing an unrelated topic.
  • Ensure the essay addresses the given prompt directly. Align the content with the task by discussing the balance between career and personal life, as required by the prompt.
  • Reorganize the essay to follow a logical structure that directly answers the task prompt, ensuring each paragraph contributes to the overall argument regarding career and personal life balance.

Lexical Resource5.0

The essay demonstrates a good range of vocabulary related to the topic of public transport and urban planning. The vocabulary is appropriate and precise, with terms like 'congestion', 'investment', 'viable alternatives', 'disproportionately affect', and 'economic growth' being used accurately. There is some variety in word choice, which helps to convey clear meanings and arguments throughout the essay.

Recommendations:

  • Include more topic-specific vocabulary related to personal life and career balance to better align with the original task prompt, even though the essay topic was misaligned.
  • Use more complex and sophisticated vocabulary where appropriate to demonstrate a higher level of language proficiency.
  • Incorporate more synonyms and varied expressions to further enhance lexical richness. For example, instead of repeatedly using 'investment', consider alternatives like 'funding' or 'allocation of resources'.

Grammatical Range5.0

The essay demonstrates a good command of grammatical structures, employing a range of complex sentences effectively. It uses correct verb tenses and subject-verb agreement throughout. The writer uses conditional sentences and passive voice appropriately, which adds variety to the grammatical structures. However, there is a lack of variety in sentence beginnings, which can lead to a monotonous reading experience.

Recommendations:

  • Experiment with more complex grammatical structures, such as inversion or cleft sentences, to further demonstrate grammatical range.
  • Incorporate more varied sentence structures, such as starting sentences with adverbs or dependent clauses, to enhance grammatical range.

Task Achievement3.0

The essay does not address the given task prompt. Instead of discussing the prioritization of career over personal life and the importance of maintaining a balance between the two, the response focuses on methods to discourage the use of private cars in city centers. As a result, the task achievement is significantly compromised because the essay fails to engage with the required topic and does not fulfill the task requirements.

Recommendations:

  • Ensure that the essay directly addresses the task prompt by discussing both views on prioritizing career versus maintaining a work-life balance, and provide your own opinion on the matter.
  • Include relevant examples and arguments related to the task prompt to demonstrate an understanding of the topic and to support your opinion.
  • Re-read the task prompt carefully before writing to ensure that the essay remains focused on the required topic throughout.
GRADED
4.5
Coherence and Cohesion:5.0
Lexical Resource:5.0
Grammatical Range:5.0
Task Achievement:3.0
Band Score:4.5
Coherence and Cohesion5
Logical structure5
Introduction & conclusion present5
Supported main points5
Accurate linking words5
Variety in linking words5

Lexical Resource5
Varied vocabulary5
Accurate spelling & word formation5

Grammatical Range5
Mix of complex & simple sentences5
Clear and correct grammar5

Task Achievement3
Complete response3
Clear & comprehensive ideas3
Relevant & specific examples3
Appropriate word count5