BAND 8.5 IELTS ESSAY SAMPLE: COMPOSING AN EFFECTIVE LETTER TO A STORE MANAGER ABOUT A DEFECTIVE KITCHEN EQUIPMENT

Access a Band 8.5 IELTS essay sample about a customer expressing dissatisfaction with a faulty product purchased. Explore how to articulate issues in a formal letter to a Store Manager and seek resolution effectively. Ideal study resource for IELTS Writing Task.

Writing Task

You recently bought a piece of equipment for your kitchen but it did not work properly. You called the store but no action was taken. Write a letter to the store manager. In your letter: - Explain the situation and the equipment you bought - Describe the problem with the equipment - Request appropriate action to be taken

IELTS Writing Sample Essay with Band 8.0 Scoring and Feedback

Dear Store Manager, I hope this letter finds you well. I am writing to express my dissatisfaction with a recent purchase I made at your esteemed store. On the 1st of July, 2023, I purchased a Hamilton Beach Food Processor, Model No: 70725A from your outlet located at 123 High Street. I chose your store owing to its reputation for quality products and excellent customer service, which made me confident in my purchase. However, I regret to inform you that the experience with this product has been far from satisfactory. Upon its first use, I noticed that the food processor is not functioning correctly. It intermittently shuts down during operation and fails to process food evenly, leaving large, unchopped chunks in the mix. Additionally, the pulse function, one of the features I was particularly interested in, does not work at all. This is causing significant inconvenience as I purchased this item to assist with meal preparation, and instead, it has compounded the time and effort required in the kitchen. I made an attempt to resolve this issue on the 5th of July by calling your customer service hotline. However, despite my detailed description of the problem and assurance of a prompt resolution, I have not received any further communication or assistance. I understand that manufacturing faults do occur from time to time, and it's possible that this device has slipped through quality control. Nevertheless, it is disappointing and frustrating to be left without a resolution. I kindly request you to look into this matter personally. I would appreciate if the faulty unit could be replaced with a new, functioning one or repaired under the product's warranty. I am willing to bring the product back to the store at a mutually convenient time if necessary. I trust that your store values its customers and believe that you will rectify this situation promptly. Thank you for your attention to this matter. I look forward to your prompt response. Yours sincerely,
Words: 328Paragraphs: 10
Submitted: 7/15/2023, 07:48 AM

Coherence And Cohesion7.0

The essay is well-structured with clear paragraphs that follow a logical order, effectively addressing the task requirements. Each paragraph serves a distinct purpose, contributing to the overall coherence of the letter. The use of cohesive devices such as 'however,' 'additionally,' and 'nevertheless' helps to connect ideas smoothly, although there is room for improvement in varying these devices to enhance cohesion further.

Recommendations:

  • Introduce a wider range of cohesive devices to connect ideas, such as 'furthermore,' 'in addition,' or 'consequently,' to avoid repetition and improve flow.
  • Ensure each paragraph transitions smoothly to the next by using linking phrases or sentences that summarize the previous point before introducing a new one.

Lexical Resource8.0

The essay demonstrates a strong lexical resource with a good range of vocabulary appropriate for the context. The writer uses precise words related to the situation, such as 'dissatisfaction,' 'intermittently,' 'compounded,' and 'mutually convenient.' These terms effectively convey the intended meaning and tone of the letter.

Recommendations:

  • Incorporate more varied vocabulary to describe emotions or actions to enhance the richness of the text. For instance, instead of 'dissatisfaction,' you could use 'discontent' or 'displeasure' to vary expression.
  • Include more specific terminology related to kitchen equipment or customer service processes to demonstrate a higher level of lexical sophistication. For example, using terms like 'malfunction' or 'technical defect' could add precision.

Grammatical Range8.0

The essay demonstrates a good range of grammatical structures, including complex sentences and correct use of tenses. The writer uses a variety of sentence types to convey their message clearly, which enhances the overall coherence of the letter. There are no significant grammatical errors that impede understanding, showing a strong command of grammar.

Recommendations:

  • Incorporate more varied sentence structures, such as conditional sentences, to further demonstrate grammatical range.
  • Use passive voice selectively to add variety and emphasize different aspects of the situation, such as 'This matter should be addressed promptly by your team.'

Task Achievement8.0

The letter effectively addresses the task prompt by explaining the situation, describing the problem with the equipment, and requesting specific actions. The writer provides clear details about the purchase, the issues encountered, and the lack of response from customer service. The request for resolution is clearly stated, fulfilling the task requirements.

Recommendations:

  • Ensure all parts of the task are addressed with equal emphasis. While the explanation and problem description are detailed, ensure the request for action is equally explicit and includes all possible options, such as a refund or repair, to cover all bases.
  • Consider providing more specific details about the communication attempt, such as the name of the representative spoken to or any reference number, to strengthen the request and show thorough documentation of the issue.
GRADED
8.0
Coherence and Cohesion:7.0
Lexical Resource:8.0
Grammatical Range:8.0
Task Achievement:8.0
Band Score:8.0
Coherence and Cohesion7
Logical structure7
Introduction & conclusion present7
Supported main points7
Accurate linking words7
Variety in linking words7
Lexical Resource8
Varied vocabulary8
Accurate spelling & word formation8
Grammatical Range8
Mix of complex & simple sentences8
Clear and correct grammar8
Task Achievement8
Complete response8
Clear & comprehensive ideas8
Relevant & specific examples8
Appropriate word count8
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