BAND 5.5 IELTS ESSAY SAMPLE: EFFECTIVELY EXPRESSING DISSATISFACTION AND SUGGESTING IMPROVEMENTS AT A SPORTS CENTER

Explore our detailed analysis of a band 5.5 IELTS essay sample illustrating kiwi export value from New Zealand to various countries from 2010 to 2012. Learn about the sales trends in Japan, China, Saudi Arabia, Mexico, and Russia.

Writing Task

You recently visited a local sports center and were disappointed with the lack of services available. Write a letter to the center's manager to express your dissatisfaction, suggest improvements, and request a partial refund. In your letter, be sure to include: 1. A description of the situation and the issues you faced during your visit. 2. Specific suggestions on how the center can enhance its services. 3. The reasons why you believe a partial refund is justified.

IELTS Writing Sample Essay with Band 3.5 Scoring and Feedback

The export value of kiwi from New Zealand to other countries from 2010 to 2012 is illustrated in the chart. Overall, it is easily seen that Japan is the largest market in New Zealand. In addition, over three years, saudi arabia sale value dropped significantly, while the four other country had the rising tendency In 2010, the exported kiwi sales to Japan hit the highest in five countries at 271,000,000 dollars, nearly 4 times that of China and 10 times that of Saudi Arabia. The market worth of russia is 968,000 dollars, and 1,200,000 in mexico’s one In 2012, over three years, the value of exported New Zealand kiwi to Saudi Arabia decreased deeply to 82,000 dollars, about 300 percent.However, The four others importing value rosed gradually, which 325,300,000 dollars was the japanese highest peak nearly is 94,000,000 dollars of china, subsequently is mexico at 3,000,000 dollars, and the final is russia at 2,404,000 dollars.
Words: 155Paragraphs: 2
Submitted: 7/16/2023, 06:55 AM

Coherence And Cohesion4.0

The essay lacks coherence and cohesion as it does not address the given task prompt. The content is unrelated to the task, which requires writing a letter about a local sports center, not discussing kiwi export values. The logical flow is missing due to the mismatch between the essay content and the task requirements. Additionally, there are issues with paragraphing and linking words that affect the overall cohesion.

Recommendations:

  • Use appropriate paragraphing to separate different parts of the letter, such as the description of the situation, suggestions for improvement, and the request for a refund.
  • Incorporate linking words and phrases to improve the flow between sentences and paragraphs, such as 'Firstly', 'In addition', 'Furthermore', to guide the reader through the argument logically.
  • Ensure the response directly addresses the task prompt. In this case, focus on writing a letter about the sports center experience.

Lexical Resource4.0

The essay demonstrates a basic range of vocabulary with some inaccuracies in word choice and forms. There are attempts to use less common lexical items, but these are not always successful or appropriate for the context.

Recommendations:

  • Expand your vocabulary by learning synonyms and antonyms for common words to avoid repetition.
  • Incorporate more precise and varied adjectives and adverbs to describe data trends, such as 'significant increase' or 'sharp decline' instead of just 'rising tendency'.
  • Use linking words and phrases to better connect ideas and data points, such as 'in contrast', 'similarly', or 'as a result'. This will enhance coherence and cohesion.
  • Work on word form accuracy, such as using the correct tense and singular/plural forms, e.g., 'Saudi Arabia sale value' should be 'Saudi Arabia's sales value'.
  • Ensure proper capitalization of proper nouns and countries, e.g., 'saudi arabia' should be 'Saudi Arabia', 'russia' should be 'Russia', and 'mexico' should be 'Mexico'.

Grammatical Range3.0

The essay demonstrates limited grammatical range, with several errors in tense usage, subject-verb agreement, and article application. The complexity of sentence structures is mostly simple, with few attempts at more complex sentences.

Recommendations:

  • Be consistent with capitalization, especially for proper nouns and countries, e.g., 'saudi arabia' should be 'Saudi Arabia.'
  • Improve subject-verb agreement. For instance, 'four other country had the rising tendency' should be 'four other countries had a rising tendency.'
  • Use articles correctly. For example, 'market worth of russia is 968,000 dollars' should be 'the market worth of Russia is 968,000 dollars.'
  • Attempt more complex sentence structures to demonstrate a wider range of grammatical constructions, such as using subordinate clauses or relative clauses.
  • Ensure correct use of verb tenses, especially when describing trends over time. For example, 'Saudi Arabia sale value dropped significantly' should be 'Saudi Arabia's sale value dropped significantly.'

Task Achievement3.0

The essay does not address the given task prompt, which requires writing a letter to a sports center manager expressing dissatisfaction, suggesting improvements, and requesting a partial refund. Instead, the essay discusses the export value of kiwi from New Zealand to various countries, which is unrelated to the task.

Recommendations:

  • Organize your response to clearly cover each point mentioned in the task prompt: description of the situation, suggestions for improvement, and reasons for requesting a refund.
  • Carefully read and understand the task prompt to ensure your response addresses all parts of the task.
  • Ensure that your essay is relevant to the task prompt, focusing on describing the situation at the sports center, suggesting improvements, and justifying a refund request.
GRADED
3.5
Coherence and Cohesion:4.0
Lexical Resource:4.0
Grammatical Range:3.0
Task Achievement:3.0
Band Score:3.5
Coherence and Cohesion4
Logical structure4
Introduction & conclusion present3
Supported main points4
Accurate linking words4
Variety in linking words4
Lexical Resource4
Varied vocabulary4
Accurate spelling & word formation4
Grammatical Range3
Mix of complex & simple sentences3
Clear and correct grammar3
Task Achievement3
Complete response2
Clear & comprehensive ideas3
Relevant & specific examples3
Appropriate word count4
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