BAND 6.5 IELTS ESSAY SAMPLE: WRITING A LETTER TO STORE MANAGER ABOUT FAULTY ELECTRONIC EQUIPMENT PURCHASE

Explore our Band 6.5 IELTS essay sample, a complaint letter about a Samsung 7 model A cellphone purchase. Learn how to effectively structure your complaint and express dissatisfaction with a product. Ideal for IELTS writing task preparation.

Writing Task

You recently purchased a piece of electronic equipment from a local store. However, you discovered that the product does not work as advertised, and there are some issues with its functionality. Write a letter to the store manager informing them about the situation. In your letter: - Explain the product you purchased and when you bought it - Describe the issues you have encountered with the product - Request for an exchange or a refund for the faulty product

IELTS Writing Sample Essay with Band 5.0 Scoring and Feedback

Dear Manager, I am writing to you regarding the Samsung, 7" screen size, odel A cellphone which I purchased from your department store last week on July 7th. I was about surfing on the internet two weeks ago, all of a sudden, I came across an amazing advertisement regarding the Samsung mobile company. It was describing unique features on one of its products such as its camera, as I mentioned 7" model A, but after I bought the mobile I realised that there was no such options that was displayed on the website. As a result, I phoned the store, and I talked to them about the issue. I retured the cellphone to department store, and expected you to replaced it or refunded my money. Unfortunately, after passing a week since I gave it back neirher it was replaced nore the money refuned to me. I look forward to hearing from you, and I am expecting of you to take care about this issue as soon as possible. yours sincerely, Mr. Hassani
Words: 172Paragraphs: 4
Submitted: 7/21/2023, 09:54 AM

Coherence And Cohesion5.0

The letter provides a basic structure with an introduction, body, and conclusion. However, the coherence and cohesion are weakened by unclear progression of ideas and poor paragraphing.

Recommendations:

  • Avoid run-on sentences by using appropriate punctuation to separate distinct ideas.
  • Ensure logical progression of ideas by clearly separating the introduction, body, and conclusion into distinct paragraphs.
  • Clarify the sequence of events and actions taken by using chronological transitions like 'Initially', 'Subsequently', and 'Finally'.
  • Use linking words and phrases effectively to connect sentences and ideas, such as 'Firstly', 'Moreover', 'In addition', and 'Therefore'.

Lexical Resource5.0

The essay demonstrates a limited range of vocabulary with several spelling errors and inappropriate word choices, which hinder clarity and precision.

Recommendations:

  • Practice using precise and specific vocabulary to describe products and issues, such as 'features,' 'advertised,' and 'refund.'
  • Use more varied expressions to convey requests and expectations, e.g., 'I would appreciate it if you could...' instead of 'I am expecting of you to...'
  • Expand vocabulary range by learning synonyms and collocations related to consumer electronics and customer service.
  • Proofread for spelling errors, such as 'odel' instead of 'model,' 'retured' instead of 'returned,' and 'refuned' instead of 'refunded.'

Grammatical Range4.0

The essay displays a limited range of grammatical structures with frequent errors in sentence construction, punctuation, and verb forms. These issues often obscure meaning and affect the overall clarity of the letter.

Recommendations:

  • Ensure consistent use of formal tone and correct word forms, such as 'neirher' should be 'neither' and 'yours sincerely' should be capitalized.
  • Use correct verb forms, like 'retured' should be 'returned' and 'refuned' should be 'refunded.'
  • Improve punctuation usage, ensuring that commas and periods are correctly placed to separate clauses and ideas, such as in 'I was about surfing on the internet two weeks ago, all of a sudden, I came across...' which should be split into clearer sentences.
  • Vary sentence structures by using a mix of simple, compound, and complex sentences to enhance readability and demonstrate a wider grammatical range.
  • Ensure subject-verb agreement in sentences, such as 'neither it was replaced nor the money refunded' should be 'neither was it replaced nor was the money refunded.'

Task Achievement5.0

The letter addresses the task by stating the purchase of a Samsung cellphone, describing the issues with the product, and requesting an exchange or refund. However, the clarity and specificity of the task requirements could be improved.

Recommendations:

  • Include exact dates for when you contacted the store and returned the product to provide a clearer timeline.
  • Clearly state the specific issues with the cellphone's functionality. Instead of generalizing, mention the exact features that do not work as advertised.
  • Ensure that the request for a refund or exchange is clearly stated and polite. Consider using a more formal tone and structured request at the end of the letter.
GRADED
5.0
Coherence and Cohesion:5.0
Lexical Resource:5.0
Grammatical Range:4.0
Task Achievement:5.0
Band Score:5.0
Coherence and Cohesion5
Logical structure5
Introduction & conclusion present5
Supported main points5
Accurate linking words5
Variety in linking words5
Lexical Resource5
Varied vocabulary5
Accurate spelling & word formation5
Grammatical Range4
Mix of complex & simple sentences4
Clear and correct grammar4
Task Achievement5
Complete response5
Clear & comprehensive ideas5
Relevant & specific examples5
Appropriate word count5
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