BAND 6.0 IELTS ESSAY SAMPLE: REQUEST FOR ELECTRONIC DEVICE REFUND OR REPLACEMENT - PROBLEM DESCRIPTION & BUYER EXPERIENCE

Explore this example of an IELTS Band 6.0 essay addressing a product complaint. Read about effective communication for problem-solving, ideal for IELTS aspirants needing a model of complaint handling.

Writing Task

You recently bought a new electronic device online, but after using it for a few days, you encountered some issues with its functionality. Write a letter to the online store where you purchased the device. In your letter: - Describe the device you purchased - Explain the problems you are facing with the device - Request for a refund or a replacement

IELTS Writing Sample Essay with Band 5.0 Scoring and Feedback

Dear Sir, Hope you are doing well. I bought a new hair straighter from your store Melal Mal branch , it looks great and we have checked it there it was working perfectly and heat of straighter was super ,after one week when i was on vacation and i need it urgently for styling my hair ,suddenly understand that i cannot straight my hair and i checked it then noticed that it isn't working well ,there was a problem with electronical wire that couldn't make it hot enough at the 180 centigrade and it causes problem for straighter function ,so cannot be used for rest of travel. it would be appreciated to assist and check on above situation and let me know at your earliest what should be done for this ,should be checked and replace or can be asked for returning money. Looking forward to hearing back from you soon.
Words: 151Paragraphs: 2
Submitted: 7/23/2023, 09:53 AM

Coherence And Cohesion5.0

The letter attempts to follow a logical structure by describing the device, the problem, and a request for resolution. However, it lacks clear paragraphing and appropriate use of cohesive devices, which affects the overall coherence and cohesion.

Recommendations:

  • Use pronouns and referencing words appropriately to avoid repetition and enhance cohesion.
  • Use cohesive devices such as 'Firstly', 'Secondly', 'In addition', and 'Finally' to link ideas and paragraphs smoothly.
  • Ensure that each sentence logically follows from the previous one to improve the flow of ideas.
  • Divide the letter into clear paragraphs: one for the description of the device, one for the explanation of the problem, and one for the request for a refund or replacement.

Lexical Resource5.0

The essay demonstrates a basic range of vocabulary relevant to the topic, including terms like 'hair straightener', 'electronical wire', and 'replacement'. However, there are several instances of incorrect word choice and awkward phrasing that reduce clarity and precision.

Recommendations:

  • Expand your vocabulary related to electronics and customer service to accurately describe the device and issues. For example, use 'malfunctioning' instead of 'isn't working well'.
  • Use more precise adjectives and nouns to describe the device and its issues. For instance, replace 'electronical wire' with 'electrical cord'.
  • Avoid repetition and redundancy by using synonyms or rephrasing. For example, instead of repeating 'working perfectly', use 'functioning optimally'.
  • Work on collocations and phrases commonly used in complaint letters, such as 'requesting a refund' or 'seeking a replacement'.

Grammatical Range4.0

The essay demonstrates a basic range of grammatical structures, with attempts at complex sentences, but lacks accuracy and control, resulting in frequent errors.

Recommendations:

  • Practice using a wider range of grammatical structures, such as conditional sentences, to enhance complexity and variety.
  • Pay attention to subject-verb agreement and tense consistency to improve grammatical accuracy.
  • Use conjunctions more effectively to link ideas clearly and logically, avoiding abrupt transitions.
  • Improve sentence structure by using appropriate punctuation to separate clauses, such as using commas and periods to avoid run-on sentences.

Task Achievement5.0

The letter addresses the task prompt by describing the purchased device, explaining the issue, and requesting a resolution. However, the description of the device and the issues lacks specificity and clarity, and the request for resolution is not clearly articulated.

Recommendations:

  • Provide a more detailed and clear description of the device, including brand and model, to ensure the recipient understands exactly what was purchased.
  • Clearly explain the specific problems with the device, using concise and precise language to describe the malfunction.
  • Explicitly state whether you are requesting a refund or a replacement to ensure the store knows how to proceed with your request.
GRADED
5.0
Coherence and Cohesion:5.0
Lexical Resource:5.0
Grammatical Range:4.0
Task Achievement:5.0
Band Score:5.0
Coherence and Cohesion5
Logical structure5
Introduction & conclusion present5
Supported main points5
Accurate linking words5
Variety in linking words5
Lexical Resource5
Varied vocabulary5
Accurate spelling & word formation5
Grammatical Range4
Mix of complex & simple sentences4
Clear and correct grammar4
Task Achievement5
Complete response5
Clear & comprehensive ideas5
Relevant & specific examples5
Appropriate word count5
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