BAND 6.0 IELTS ESSAY SAMPLE: EXPRESSING DISSATISFACTION WITH ACCOMMODATION IN COURSE EXPERIENCE

Explore a sample of a band 6.0 score IELTS essay by Sajjad Fadaei, highlighting his experiences during a digital marketing course in Chicago. Discover his critique about the accommodation, the lack of storage facilities, and more coursework issues.

Writing Task

You recently attended a training course in a different city, and you were not satisfied with the accommodation provided by the training institution. Write a letter to the course organizer to express your dissatisfaction. In your letter, include the following: - Give details of the course you attended - Describe the problems with the accommodation - Suggest suitable solutions to improve the situation

IELTS Writing Sample Essay with Band 5.0 Scoring and Feedback

To whom who may concern I am sajjad fadaei and I attended digital marketing course in chicago. I learnt a lot but meanwhile I was not satisfied with the accommodation service . The air conditioner was broken and I was not able to rest well after the course. Indeed it could be nice to check each room before our arrival. I wanted to add that there is no enough space for storing our belongings. There is only a small closet which cannot be locked and inside was dirty when I got there. Add to other issues the noisy bed which does not let me sleep well during the night and I feel sleepy during the course. For getting the best result of the course please repair the bed and add more closets to the room. However, I want to thank you for you patience and attention. Best regards Sajjad fadaei
Words: 150Paragraphs: 2
Submitted: 7/19/2023, 10:53 PM

Coherence And Cohesion5.0

The essay presents ideas in a logical order, but lacks clear paragraphing and cohesive devices, making it difficult to follow the progression of thoughts. There is an attempt to structure the letter with an introduction and conclusion, but the body lacks clear separation of ideas.

Recommendations:

  • Use transitional phrases to guide the reader from one idea to the next, especially when moving from problems to solutions.
  • Employ cohesive devices, such as 'Firstly', 'Secondly', 'Moreover', to link sentences and ideas smoothly.
  • Ensure each paragraph has a clear topic sentence to guide the reader on what the paragraph will discuss.
  • Use paragraphs to separate different sections of the letter, such as the introduction, description of the course, problems with accommodation, and suggestions for improvement.

Lexical Resource5.0

The essay demonstrates a basic range of vocabulary, but it lacks variety and precision in word choice, which affects clarity and impact.

Recommendations:

  • Incorporate more connectors and transitional phrases to show relationships between ideas, such as 'furthermore', 'in addition', and 'as a result' to improve the flow of the letter.
  • Expand your vocabulary related to accommodation and training courses to describe issues more precisely and vividly, such as using words like 'inadequate', 'malfunctioning', or 'insufficient' instead of more general terms.
  • Use more varied adjectives and adverbs to enhance descriptions, such as 'uncomfortable', 'congested', or 'poorly maintained' to describe the accommodation issues.
  • Avoid repetition of basic words like 'course' and 'room'. Instead, try using synonyms or related terms to add variety, for example, 'program' or 'session' for 'course', and 'accommodation' or 'facility' for 'room'.

Grammatical Range5.0

The essay demonstrates a basic use of grammatical structures with some errors that affect clarity and correctness. Simple sentence structures are used predominantly, with occasional attempts at complex sentences. There are noticeable issues with verb forms, article usage, and sentence fragments.

Recommendations:

  • Use articles correctly, for instance, 'digital marketing course' should be 'a digital marketing course'.
  • Improve sentence structure by avoiding fragments, such as 'Add to other issues the noisy bed' which could be rewritten as 'In addition to other issues, there was a noisy bed.'
  • Use correct tense forms, such as changing 'I learnt a lot but meanwhile I was not satisfied' to 'I learned a lot; however, I was not satisfied.'
  • Ensure subject-verb agreement is correct, such as changing 'who may concern' to 'whom it may concern'.
  • Use more varied sentence structures, including complex and compound sentences, to demonstrate a wider range of grammatical structures.

Task Achievement5.0

The letter addresses the task prompt by including details of the course, describing accommodation problems, and suggesting improvements. However, it lacks specificity in some areas and could benefit from clearer organization and more detailed suggestions.

Recommendations:

  • Ensure the letter follows a clear structure with separate paragraphs for each main point to enhance readability.
  • Include more specific details about the course, such as its duration and specific location, to provide a clearer context.
  • Provide more detailed descriptions of the accommodation issues, such as how the broken air conditioner affected your stay.
  • Offer more concrete and varied suggestions for improvement, rather than just repairs, such as alternative accommodation options or additional services.
GRADED
5.0
Coherence and Cohesion:5.0
Lexical Resource:5.0
Grammatical Range:5.0
Task Achievement:5.0
Band Score:5.0
Coherence and Cohesion5
Logical structure5
Introduction & conclusion present5
Supported main points5
Accurate linking words5
Variety in linking words5
Lexical Resource5
Varied vocabulary5
Accurate spelling & word formation5
Grammatical Range5
Mix of complex & simple sentences5
Clear and correct grammar5
Task Achievement5
Complete response5
Clear & comprehensive ideas5
Relevant & specific examples5
Appropriate word count5
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