BAND 5.5 IELTS ESSAY SAMPLE: PERSONAL ATTENDANCE FEEDBACK AND IMPROVEMENT SUGGESTIONS - AN INSIGHTFUL LETTER TO THE COMMUNITY CENTER MANAGER

Explore our comprehensive guide and IELTS essay sample with a band score of 5.5, covering the engagement in nursing homes and disability centers. Discover how we promote a positive living environment, implement community involvement, and the importance of elder empowerment.

Writing Task

You recently attended a workshop at a local community center that you found to be very helpful. However, you have some suggestions on how to improve the experience for future attendees. Write a letter to the center's manager. In your letter, - Explain which workshop you attended and why you found it helpful - Describe your suggestions for improvement - Explain how these changes will benefit future attendees

IELTS Writing Sample Essay with Band 5.0 Scoring and Feedback

Hello the center's manager. My name is Phat. Today, I write this letter for you to attended in nursing homes and disabled people center. I feel this center is very helpful and neccessary for our community. As I know, it helps patients feel they are live not just exist. They feel happy and want to live not just their disable. With me, I want to contribute something for this center and our community. Besides, I want to attend this center, I also have some suggestions which I think it will improve our community better and better. First of all, I think once a week we should open a meeting for the elder and disabled people. It will help people more friendly and the younger study from the experience of others. Moreover, it will help them find more energy to live. Secondly, we should have some picnic for all people to make them how beautiful the world are. Finally, we should mobilize them more, not just take care of them. I think we also should give them some easy work to make they feel they are important with this world. Not for earn money, their money must to give them or donate for others people who needs it more. I hope I would sent a letter from you soon.
Words: 218Paragraphs: 1
Submitted: 7/13/2023, 02:04 AM

Coherence And Cohesion5.0

The essay attempts to address the task prompt by explaining the workshop attended, offering suggestions for improvement, and discussing potential benefits. However, there are significant issues with coherence and cohesion that impact the clarity and flow of ideas. The essay lacks clear paragraphing, and ideas are not logically sequenced, making it difficult to follow the writer's argument.

Recommendations:

  • Use linking words and phrases to connect ideas within and between paragraphs, such as 'Firstly,' 'Moreover,' 'Finally,' and 'Therefore.'
  • Clarify the purpose and structure of the letter at the beginning to help guide the reader through the content.
  • Organize the essay into clear paragraphs, each focusing on a specific point or idea. For example, one paragraph for explaining the workshop, another for suggestions, and a third for benefits.
  • Ensure that each sentence logically follows from the previous one to maintain a clear and logical progression of ideas.

Lexical Resource5.0

The essay demonstrates an attempt to use a range of vocabulary related to community service and support for disabled people, but there are several inaccuracies and limited use of more complex lexical items. The vocabulary used is often repetitive and lacks precision, which affects the clarity and effectiveness of communication.

Recommendations:

  • Practice using transitional phrases and connectors to improve the flow of ideas, such as 'Furthermore,' 'In addition,' and 'As a result.'
  • Focus on using more precise and contextually appropriate words, for example, 'participate in' instead of 'attend' when referring to attending a workshop or event.
  • Incorporate more complex lexical items and phrases that are appropriate for formal letters, such as 'I am writing to express my gratitude and provide feedback on...' instead of 'Today, I write this letter for you to attended...'.
  • Work on collocations and phrases relevant to the topic, like 'community engagement activities' or 'interactive sessions for skill development.'
  • Expand your vocabulary by learning synonyms and varying word choices to avoid repetition, such as using 'elderly' instead of 'elder' and 'disabled individuals' instead of 'disabled people.'

Grammatical Range4.0

The essay demonstrates a basic range of grammatical structures, but there are frequent errors in sentence construction, verb forms, and agreement which impact clarity.

Recommendations:

  • Work on verb tense consistency to ensure that the actions are described accurately in time.
  • Pay attention to article usage ('a', 'an', 'the') to enhance precision in your writing.
  • Practice using relative clauses correctly to add more detail and improve sentence variety.
  • Focus on sentence structure by practicing simple, compound, and complex sentences to improve clarity and coherence.
  • Review subject-verb agreement rules, as there are several instances where the subject and verb do not agree in number.

Task Achievement5.0

The essay addresses the task prompt by explaining the workshop attended and providing suggestions for improvement, but lacks clarity and completeness in achieving the task objectives.

Recommendations:

  • Ensure all suggestions are clearly described and directly linked to how they will benefit future attendees.
  • Ensure that all parts of the task prompt are addressed equally, giving enough detail to each point.
  • Clearly identify the specific workshop attended and explicitly state why it was helpful, providing concrete examples.
  • Use a more formal and structured letter format, addressing the manager appropriately and closing the letter appropriately.
GRADED
5.0
Coherence and Cohesion:5.0
Lexical Resource:5.0
Grammatical Range:4.0
Task Achievement:5.0
Band Score:5.0
Coherence and Cohesion5
Logical structure5
Introduction & conclusion present5
Supported main points5
Accurate linking words5
Variety in linking words5
Lexical Resource5
Varied vocabulary5
Accurate spelling & word formation5
Grammatical Range4
Mix of complex & simple sentences4
Clear and correct grammar4
Task Achievement5
Complete response5
Clear & comprehensive ideas5
Relevant & specific examples5
Appropriate word count5
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