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BAND 4.5 IELTS ESSAY SAMPLE: UNSATISFACTORY ACCOMMODATION ISSUE & SOLUTIONS - LETTER TO HR DEPARTMENT

Explore our collection of IELTS essays samples like this band 4.5 score sample. Learn about common issues faced in a professional environment. Our resource helps you understand the scoring system and improve your test-writing skills. Unfold the key aspects of a Band 4.5 IELTS essay.

Writing Task

You recently attended a conference in a different city and found the accommodation provided by your company unsatisfactory. Write a letter to your company's Human Resources department to inform them about the issue. In your letter: - Briefly describe your accommodation problem - Explain why the accommodation was unsatisfactory - Request for the company to address the issue and suggest possible solutions

IELTS Writing Sample Essay with Band 5.0 Scoring and Feedback

Dear Sir I wanna talk to you about our domicile. We have a lot of work for congress in the city and we need to internet in all day. Definitely the boss respects us to do great job on a trip. This trip grave for our company and our future job. On the other hand this hotel is ancient on account of hotel’s employees don’t know about internet. Manager hotel is eldest and he can’t answer to my problems. We tried many time solve issue. Also we searched about this when we had internet in out hotel. Foe instance when we went to in cafe or restaurent. In my view that we can change hotel or we purchase a new internets modem for some days. Otherwise I don’t know about your budget for doing my point. Overall I hope you can solve the problem very soon. I am looking forward to your suggestion. Thanks an ocean Gol
Words: 157Paragraphs: 1
Submitted: 7/19/2023, 11:38 AM

Coherence And Cohesion5.0

The essay lacks clear logical progression and effective paragraphing, making it difficult to follow the writer's argument. Sentences and ideas are not well-connected, and the use of cohesive devices is limited and sometimes incorrect.

Recommendations:

  • Ensure each paragraph has a clear topic sentence and supporting details to maintain focus and coherence.
  • Avoid abrupt transitions between ideas by providing adequate explanation or context for each point.
  • Use clear paragraphing to separate different parts of the letter, such as the description of the problem, explanation of dissatisfaction, and request for action.
  • Improve the use of cohesive devices such as conjunctions ('however', 'therefore') and pronouns ('this', 'it') to link ideas more effectively.

Lexical Resource5.0

The essay demonstrates a limited range of vocabulary with frequent errors in word choice and usage, affecting clarity and precision of the message.

Recommendations:

  • Practice using synonyms to avoid repetition of basic words such as 'internet' and 'problem'.
  • Learn and apply collocations relevant to the topic, such as 'internet access', 'hotel staff', and 'address the issue'.
  • Expand vocabulary by reading more English materials, focusing on words related to accommodation and business travel.
  • Understand and correctly use formal language and expressions suitable for a letter to a company's HR department.

Grammatical Range5.0

The essay demonstrates limited control over grammatical structures, with frequent errors in sentence construction, verb forms, and agreement. Complex sentences are attempted but often result in awkward phrasing or incorrect syntax.

Recommendations:

  • Review basic grammar rules, such as the use of prepositions and conjunctions, to enhance sentence flow.
  • Practice using more complex sentence structures correctly, such as subordinate clauses and relative clauses.
  • Pay attention to article usage ('a', 'an', 'the') to improve sentence clarity.
  • Work on constructing complete sentences with proper subject-verb agreement and consistent verb tense usage.

Task Achievement5.0

The letter addresses the task prompt by describing an issue with the accommodation, explaining why it was unsatisfactory, and requesting the company to address it. However, the explanation is not clear, lacks specific details, and does not fully meet the requirements of the task. The letter does not effectively communicate the problem, its impact, or a clear request for resolution.

Recommendations:

  • Provide a clear and specific request for the company to address the issue, such as changing the hotel or providing a portable internet device, and explain why these solutions are necessary.
  • Ensure the letter is structured logically, with each part of the task prompt addressed in separate, clear sections.
  • Clearly describe the accommodation problem, including specific details such as the lack of internet access, and how this impacted your work.
  • Explain why the accommodation was unsatisfactory with more clarity, focusing on how the lack of internet affected your ability to perform work-related tasks.
GRADED
5.0
Coherence and Cohesion:5.0
Lexical Resource:5.0
Grammatical Range:5.0
Task Achievement:5.0
Band Score:5.0
Coherence and Cohesion5
Logical structure5
Introduction & conclusion present5
Supported main points5
Accurate linking words5
Variety in linking words5
Lexical Resource5
Varied vocabulary5
Accurate spelling & word formation5
Grammatical Range5
Mix of complex & simple sentences5
Clear and correct grammar5
Task Achievement5
Complete response5
Clear & comprehensive ideas5
Relevant & specific examples5
Appropriate word count5
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