BAND 5.5 IELTS ESSAY SAMPLE: WRITING A LETTER TO SPORTS CENTER MANAGER ABOUT POOR SERVICE EXPERIENCE & SEEKING REFUND

Explore our IELTS essay sample with a band score of 5.5 discussing the growing trend of hiring personal fitness trainers vs team sports or self-exercise. Understand the reasons behind this development, and determine if it is a positive or negative one. This insightful analysis addresses society's growing fitness consciousness and the role of motivation in maintaining a healthy lifestyle.

Writing Task

You recently visited a local sports center and were disappointed with the lack of services available. Write a letter to the center's manager to express your dissatisfaction, suggest improvements, and request a partial refund. In your letter, be sure to include: 1. A description of the situation and the issues you faced during your visit. 2. Specific suggestions on how the center can enhance its services. 3. The reasons why you believe a partial refund is justified.

IELTS Writing Sample Essay with Band 4.0 Scoring and Feedback

In some parts of the world, people hire trainers, rather than doing a team sport or neither exercise. The following paragraphs of this essay will discuss the reasons for this improvement, and whether, it is a positive development or a negative one. To begin with, society now has become more fitness conscious. Having a personal trainer has been proven effective rather than doing your exercises and sports in group, and it is obvious that it goes with the more resulted way. For example, imagine a person who is already suffering from diabetes, and always needs some kind of person to guide him, in order to improve his health. In my opinion, this is a positive improvement, whereas people are now more concerned about healthcare because of living busy lifestyles. Secondly, in addition to the above reason, people will always feel motivated when someone works with them. For instance, if a person who has a busy lifestyle feels bored in working out/ when indulging one self in some physical activities, in those cases, it is ideal to have a trainer, because he or she can become a motivator as well. If a trainer becomes a mentor and guides these personalities, they will become healthy individuals. In conclusion, after considering such factors and despite of people’s affordability issues, having a private tutor is far good and I hope this raises world health to a better future.
Words: 234Paragraphs: 4
Submitted: 7/21/2023, 09:48 AM

Coherence And Cohesion4.0

The essay lacks coherence and cohesion as it does not address the task prompt effectively, leading to confusion about the main purpose of the letter. The flow of ideas is disjointed, with unrelated content about personal trainers and fitness instead of focusing on the sports center visit, dissatisfaction, suggestions, and refund request.

Recommendations:

  • Summarize the key points at the end to reinforce the purpose of the letter, ensuring that it aligns with the task requirements.
  • Ensure the content directly answers the task prompt. Start with a clear introduction describing the visit to the sports center and the issues faced.
  • Use cohesive devices to logically connect ideas related to the sports center, such as 'Firstly', 'Secondly', 'Additionally', and 'In conclusion' to structure the letter properly.
  • Maintain a consistent focus on the main topic of dissatisfaction with the sports center's services, rather than introducing unrelated topics like personal trainers.

Lexical Resource4.0

The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary related to fitness and personal training, but lacks precision and variety. Some words and phrases are repetitive, and there are instances of awkward or incorrect usage, such as "more resulted way" and "far good."

Recommendations:

  • Expand the range of vocabulary by using synonyms and more precise terms. For example, replace 'more resulted way' with 'more effective approach.'
  • Avoid repetition by using varied expressions. Instead of repeatedly using 'person,' consider alternatives like 'individual' or 'client.'
  • Incorporate more specific vocabulary related to the context of fitness and training, such as 'tailored fitness plans' or 'personalized coaching.'
  • Ensure correct usage of phrases and idiomatic expressions. For example, 'far good' should be corrected to 'far better.'

Grammatical Range4.0

The essay demonstrates a basic range of grammatical structures with some complexity, but there are noticeable issues with sentence construction, punctuation, and agreement which affect clarity and coherence.

Recommendations:

  • Pay attention to punctuation usage, particularly with commas, to ensure they are not misplaced or overused.
  • Improve sentence variety by incorporating different sentence structures, such as complex and compound sentences, to enhance grammatical range.
  • Ensure subject-verb agreement is consistent throughout the essay, particularly in complex sentences.
  • Use articles appropriately, as seen in 'a busy lifestyle' instead of 'busy lifestyle', to enhance grammatical accuracy.
  • Reduce comma splices and run-on sentences by breaking them into separate sentences or using conjunctions appropriately.

Task Achievement3.0

The essay does not address the task prompt effectively, as it discusses personal trainers and fitness rather than the issues faced at a local sports center, suggestions for improvement, or a request for a partial refund.

Recommendations:

  • Ensure the essay directly addresses all parts of the task prompt, specifically describing issues faced during the visit, suggesting improvements, and justifying the request for a partial refund.
  • Focus on the specific context of the task, which involves writing a letter to a sports center manager, rather than discussing general fitness trends.
  • Include specific examples related to the sports center visit to support your points and make the letter more convincing.
GRADED
4.0
Coherence and Cohesion:4.0
Lexical Resource:4.0
Grammatical Range:4.0
Task Achievement:3.0
Band Score:4.0
Coherence and Cohesion4
Logical structure3
Introduction & conclusion present4
Supported main points4
Accurate linking words4
Variety in linking words3
Lexical Resource4
Varied vocabulary4
Accurate spelling & word formation4
Grammatical Range4
Mix of complex & simple sentences4
Clear and correct grammar4
Task Achievement3
Complete response2
Clear & comprehensive ideas3
Relevant & specific examples3
Appropriate word count4
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