BAND 4.5 IELTS ESSAY SAMPLE: ADVANTAGES OF PROFESSIONAL TRAINING COURSE FOR JOB ENHANCEMENT & COLLEAGUE RECOMMENDATION

Dive into our IELTS essay sample with a Band 4.5 score recounting a personal journey of job transition from a bustling coffee shop to a corporate environment. Gain insights into overcoming challenges, learning new skills, and increasing self-confidence through this work narrative.

Writing Task

You recently attended a professional training course which you found extremely beneficial for your job. Write a letter to your manager to inform about the training and recommend it for your colleagues. In your letter, you should: - Describe the professional training course you attended - Explain how it has helped you with your job - Suggest sending your colleagues to the same training course

IELTS Writing Sample Essay with Band 4.0 Scoring and Feedback

for 2 years ago, I did staff for a coffee shop, that coffee shop really crowded and famous. In start time, I feel so strange because owner coffee was deliver too works, I must do so many work as waiter, cleaning, and even cashier because lack of staff. That moment, I feel so tired but because high income and i tried work in a long time. Then, i asked for a new company and rather big. i so fun this new work and proud. I arranged do cashier's bank. This works fit me and rather lightly, and special higher income than before works. When i works, really everything is new than imagine and i feel before work is a lot of help. I knew how to using a computer, many working operation is rather fast, i get on well with people in company rather rapid, this work did me rather confident
Words: 151Paragraphs: 1
Submitted: 7/16/2023, 06:42 PM

Coherence And Cohesion4.0

The essay lacks clear coherence and cohesion, making it difficult to follow the writer's ideas. The paragraphs are not well-organized, and there is a lack of logical progression between sentences and ideas. Additionally, the use of cohesive devices is minimal and often incorrect, hindering the flow of the letter.

Recommendations:

  • Use pronouns and reference words correctly to avoid repetition and enhance cohesion.
  • Use cohesive devices such as 'firstly', 'moreover', 'therefore', and 'however' to link ideas and paragraphs more effectively.
  • Ensure each paragraph focuses on a single idea or aspect of the training to improve clarity and coherence.
  • Organize the letter into clear paragraphs: introduce the training, explain its benefits, and suggest it for colleagues.

Lexical Resource4.0

The essay demonstrates a limited range of vocabulary and inappropriate word choices, affecting clarity and coherence.

Recommendations:

  • Incorporate more complex word forms and synonyms to avoid repetition, such as using 'initially' instead of 'in start time'.
  • Practice using formal and appropriate expressions for letter writing, such as 'I would like to recommend' instead of 'I so fun this new work and proud.'
  • Expand vocabulary to include more precise and varied words to describe experiences and actions, such as using 'attended' instead of 'did staff'.
  • Use appropriate collocations and phrases typical for professional contexts, like 'undertook a role' instead of 'do so many work as waiter'.

Grammatical Range4.0

The essay demonstrates limited grammatical range with frequent errors in sentence structure, verb tense, and subject-verb agreement.

Recommendations:

  • Practice using varied sentence structures, such as combining short sentences into complex or compound sentences to improve coherence.
  • Expand the use of conjunctions and linking words to connect ideas more smoothly and logically.
  • Improve verb tense consistency by ensuring past events use past tense, such as 'I worked' instead of 'I did staff.'
  • Enhance sentence structure by using complete sentences and avoiding run-ons, such as breaking 'for 2 years ago, I did staff for a coffee shop, that coffee shop really crowded and famous' into clearer sentences.
  • Ensure subject-verb agreement is correct, such as 'the owner delivers' instead of 'owner coffee was deliver.'

Task Achievement3.0

The letter does not address the task prompt effectively, as it fails to describe the professional training course attended, how it benefited the job, or suggest it for colleagues.

Recommendations:

  • Ensure the letter follows a formal structure, including an appropriate greeting, body, and closing.
  • Ensure the letter clearly describes the specific professional training course attended, including its name, duration, and content.
  • Explain clearly how the training has helped improve your performance or skills in your current job.
  • Include a recommendation for your colleagues to attend the same training, providing reasons why it would benefit them and the company.
GRADED
4.0
Coherence and Cohesion:4.0
Lexical Resource:4.0
Grammatical Range:4.0
Task Achievement:3.0
Band Score:4.0
Coherence and Cohesion4
Logical structure4
Introduction & conclusion present4
Supported main points4
Accurate linking words4
Variety in linking words4
Lexical Resource4
Varied vocabulary4
Accurate spelling & word formation4
Grammatical Range4
Mix of complex & simple sentences4
Clear and correct grammar4
Task Achievement3
Complete response3
Clear & comprehensive ideas3
Relevant & specific examples3
Appropriate word count3
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