BAND 4.5 IELTS ESSAY SAMPLE: ADDRESSING ACCOMMODATION ISSUES AT A CONFERENCE TO IMPROVE FUTURE BUSINESS TRIPS

Explore a sample Band 4.5 IELTS essay written by an employee seeking accommodation change during a business conference. This example illustrates the use of language and structure needed for a Band 4.5 score. Great resource for IELTS aspirants and English language learners.

Writing Task

You recently attended a conference in a different city and found that the accommodation provided by your company had several issues that negatively impacted your stay. Write a letter to your manager. In your letter, include the following: 1. Introduce the purpose of your letter 2. Describe the issues you faced with the accommodation 3. Explain the effects of these problems on your experience at the conference 4. Suggest possible solutions or improvements for future events

IELTS Writing Sample Essay with Band 4.0 Scoring and Feedback

Hi dear Smit I'm Math Damone which work in your company in sale section, as you know for getting promotion in every position of job you should participate in some course. In this case I attended in a conference in Chicago which far away of my home and have to stay here for tow nights. Unfortunately this Hotel that I'll stay in not appropriate for this issue. I spoke to the head of Hotel about the noise of the street, because my room is in the street side and I can't concentrate on job in addition there in no toilet, therefore absolutely it can affected on my conference and the process of my learning. Dear Math according to the situation I ask you to change may Hotel and attention those issues for new accommodation. Hope that I can pass the course and be useful to your compony and the future of company. Thank you so much your sincerely
Words: 158Paragraphs: 1
Submitted: 7/17/2023, 03:38 PM

Coherence And Cohesion4.0

The letter lacks a clear and organized structure, making it difficult for the reader to follow the flow of ideas. The introduction is not distinct, and the points are not logically connected. Transitions between ideas are weak or missing, which affects the coherence of the letter.

Recommendations:

  • Use paragraphs to separate different points, such as one paragraph for describing the issues, another for the effects on the conference experience, and a final one for suggestions.
  • Improve the use of linking words and phrases to connect ideas more smoothly, such as 'Firstly,' 'Moreover,' 'As a result,' and 'In conclusion.'
  • Begin with a clear introduction that states the purpose of the letter, such as 'I am writing to express my concerns regarding the accommodation provided during the recent conference in Chicago.'
  • Ensure each paragraph starts with a topic sentence that summarizes the main idea of the paragraph, making it easier to follow the argument.

Lexical Resource4.0

The essay uses basic vocabulary with occasional errors in word choice and formality, which affects clarity and appropriateness. There is a repetitive use of simple words and phrases, and some words are incorrectly used or spelled, which impacts the overall coherence and reader's understanding.

Recommendations:

  • Expand vocabulary range by learning synonyms and using them to avoid repetition of common words like 'conference' and 'company.'
  • Correct spelling errors, such as 'tow' to 'two' and 'compony' to 'company,' to enhance clarity.
  • Use appropriate collocations and phrases, such as 'I am writing to inform you' instead of 'I'm Math Damone which work in your company.'
  • Incorporate more precise vocabulary to describe the issues, for example, using 'inadequate' instead of 'not appropriate.'
  • Improve word choice by ensuring the correct formality level for a formal letter, such as using 'Dear Mr. Smith' instead of 'Hi dear Smit.'

Grammatical Range4.0

The essay demonstrates limited grammatical range with frequent grammatical errors, including incorrect verb forms, subject-verb agreement, and sentence structure issues.

Recommendations:

  • Pay attention to proper use of articles 'a', 'an', and 'the' to ensure clarity and correctness.
  • Practice using different sentence types, such as complex and compound sentences, to enhance grammatical range.
  • Review subject-verb agreement rules and ensure verbs match their subjects in number and tense.
  • Improve sentence structure by avoiding run-on sentences and using conjunctions correctly to link ideas.

Task Achievement4.0

The letter attempts to address the task prompt, but it lacks clarity and completeness in fulfilling all the task requirements. The purpose of the letter is introduced, but the description of the issues is not detailed enough. The explanation of the effects on the conference experience is brief and lacks depth. Suggestions for future improvements are mentioned but are not well-developed.

Recommendations:

  • Provide a more detailed description of the issues faced with the accommodation, such as specific problems with the facilities or services.
  • Elaborate on how these issues affected your experience at the conference, including specific examples or consequences.
  • Offer more concrete suggestions for improvements or solutions for future events, such as recommending specific types of accommodations or services.
  • Clearly introduce the purpose of the letter at the beginning to ensure the reader understands the context immediately.
GRADED
4.0
Coherence and Cohesion:4.0
Lexical Resource:4.0
Grammatical Range:4.0
Task Achievement:4.0
Band Score:4.0
Coherence and Cohesion4
Logical structure4
Introduction & conclusion present4
Supported main points4
Accurate linking words4
Variety in linking words4
Lexical Resource4
Varied vocabulary4
Accurate spelling & word formation4
Grammatical Range4
Mix of complex & simple sentences4
Clear and correct grammar4
Task Achievement4
Complete response4
Clear & comprehensive ideas4
Relevant & specific examples4
Appropriate word count4
Grade Your Essay