BAND 7.5 IELTS ESSAY SAMPLE: DISCUSSING PERSONAL VS. GOVERNMENT RESPONSIBILITY FOR HEALTH AND WELLBEING

Explore both sides of the debate on whether governments should cover healthcare and social welfare services or if it's the citizens' responsibility. This insightful IELTS essay example scoring 7.5 discusses the role of tax rates, personal responsibility, unexpected accidents, and the impact on societal safety. Get comprehensive insights and improve your IELTS score.

Writing Task

Some people argue that individuals should take responsibility for their own health and wellbeing, while others believe it's the government's duty to provide healthcare services to everyone in society. Discuss both these views and provide your own opinion. Support your answer with relevant examples and explanations.

IELTS Writing Sample Essay with Band 6.0 Scoring and Feedback

Although some members of the society believe that it is not governments' duty to provide people with healthcare and social welfare services and the citizens themselves should take care of those costs, some others put the responsibility on state authorities. This essay will explore arguments of both sides of the debate and also will demonstrate that the writer thinks these expenses should be covered by administrations. Focusing on the ones who argue that individuals should take responsibility for their own health and wellbeing, some of them discuss that in order to cover such costs, governments have no other choice rather than increasing tax rates. This situation seems pleasing for the elderly and the ones in need but not for those who do not require such services. Regarding the other side of the debate, they assume although health and welfare are quite crucial for every individual, usually people do not save their money for emergency situations for instance, when a person has saved money in order to buy a nice car, does not expect accidents like a crash or a sudden illness. Also there are some people from lower classes who if are not able to cover their primary needs, they can put the region's security in compromise. Therefore, it will be better if governments provide services for such circumstances. In conclusion, despite the disagreement with the idea of governments being responsible for providing healthcare and social welfare services for the citizens because of the inevitable raise in tax rates, another group of people support the idea since not only people usually do not expect accidents, but also, it is crucial for the nations' safety. The writer finds the latter argument more reasonable.
Words: 282Paragraphs: 4
Submitted: 7/20/2023, 04:01 PM

Coherence And Cohesion6.0

The essay presents a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. However, the coherence and cohesion could be improved through better paragraph development and use of linking words.

Recommendations:

  • Clarify the use of pronouns to ensure they refer back to the correct nouns. In the second body paragraph, the sentence 'Also there are some people from lower classes who if are not able to cover their primary needs, they can put the region's security in compromise' could be clearer by rephrasing for better coherence.
  • Ensure each paragraph has a clear central idea and develops it fully before moving to the next point. The first body paragraph introduces the idea of increased taxes but does not fully explore the implications or provide examples. Consider elaborating on how this affects individuals or society.
  • Improve the use of linking words to enhance the flow between sentences and paragraphs. For instance, the transition between the introduction and the first body paragraph could be smoother with phrases like 'On one hand' or 'Firstly'. Similarly, use connectors such as 'Furthermore', 'Moreover', or 'In addition' to connect ideas within paragraphs.
  • Consider merging or restructuring sentences for better cohesion. For example, the sentence 'Regarding the other side of the debate, they assume although health and welfare are quite crucial for every individual...' could be restructured for clarity and flow, such as 'Proponents of government responsibility argue that health and welfare, while crucial, are often neglected by individuals who do not anticipate emergencies.'

Lexical Resource6.0

The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary with some attempts at using less common lexical items. However, there are instances of awkward phrasing and incorrect word choice that slightly hinder clarity.

Recommendations:

  • Avoid repetition by using synonyms or rephrasing, such as replacing 'healthcare and social welfare services' with 'medical and welfare provisions.'
  • Use collocations accurately, such as 'take responsibility for' and 'provide services for,' to enhance the naturalness of the language.
  • Ensure precise word choice to convey intended meaning clearly, such as using 'government's' instead of 'governments'' and 'state authorities' instead of 'state authorities'.
  • Incorporate a wider range of vocabulary to express ideas more vividly and accurately. For instance, instead of 'put the region's security in compromise,' use 'jeopardize regional security.'

Grammatical Range6.0

The essay demonstrates a fair range of grammatical structures, including complex sentences and varied sentence types. However, there are several grammatical errors and awkward constructions that affect clarity and precision.

Recommendations:

  • Review subject-verb agreement, especially in complex sentences. For example, 'governments' duty' should be 'government's duty' as it refers to a singular entity.
  • Pay attention to the use of articles. For instance, 'the ones in need' should be 'those in need' for better clarity and grammatical correctness.
  • Improve the use of conjunctions and transitional phrases to enhance coherence and flow between ideas. For example, 'also will demonstrate' is awkward; consider 'and will also demonstrate.'
  • Avoid run-on sentences by breaking them into shorter, clearer sentences. For example, the sentence starting with 'Regarding the other side of the debate...' is too lengthy and could be split for clarity.
  • Ensure parallel structure in sentences. The phrase 'the writer thinks these expenses should be covered by administrations' could be improved to 'the writer believes that these expenses should be covered by the government.'

Task Achievement6.0

The essay addresses both sides of the argument regarding responsibility for healthcare and provides the writer's opinion, but lacks depth in exploring the arguments and examples.

Recommendations:

  • Clarify the connection between the arguments presented and the writer's opinion to strengthen the coherence of the essay.
  • Provide more detailed and specific examples to support each viewpoint discussed in the essay.
  • Ensure that the essay fully addresses all parts of the task by elaborating on how government-provided healthcare impacts society beyond tax implications.
GRADED
6.0
Coherence and Cohesion:6.0
Lexical Resource:6.0
Grammatical Range:6.0
Task Achievement:6.0
Band Score:6.0
Coherence and Cohesion6
Logical structure6
Introduction & conclusion present6
Supported main points6
Accurate linking words6
Variety in linking words6
Lexical Resource6
Varied vocabulary6
Accurate spelling & word formation6
Grammatical Range6
Mix of complex & simple sentences6
Clear and correct grammar6
Task Achievement6
Complete response6
Clear & comprehensive ideas6
Relevant & specific examples6
Appropriate word count6
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