BAND 8.0 IELTS ESSAY SAMPLE: ANALYZING LONGEVITY AND DECLINING BIRTH RATES' IMPACT ON SOCIETY

Discover IELTS essay samples with a band 8.0 score. Understand how industrialized nations cope with aging populations, increased healthcare demands, and retirement issues. Learn about potential solutions such as adjustment in retirement age & immigration policies. Perfect guide for IELTS preparation.

Writing Task

In many countries, people are now living longer than ever before, while birth rates are declining. What consequences do you think this trend will have on society? To what extent do you agree or disagree with this development? Discuss both the positive and negative impacts of this trend and provide examples to support your viewpoint.

IELTS Writing Sample Essay with Band 7.0 Scoring and Feedback

It is true that people in industrialised nations can expect to live longer than ever before. Although there will undoubtedly be some negative consequences of this trend, societies can take steps to mitigate these potential problems. As people live longer and the populations of developed countries grow older, several related problems can be anticipated. The main issue is that there will obviously be more people of retirement age who will be eligible to receive a pension. The proportion of younger, working adults will be smaller, and governments will therefore receive less money in taxes in relation to the size of the population. In other words, an ageing population will mean a greater tax burden for working adults. Further pressures will include a rise in the demand for healthcare, and the fact young adults will increasingly have to look after their elderly relatives. There are several actions that governments could take to solve the problems described above. Firstly, a simple solution would be to increase the retirement age for working adults, perhaps from 65 to 70. Nowadays, people of this age tend to be healthy enough to continue a productive working life. A second measure would be for governments to encourage immigration in order to increase the number of working adults who pay taxes. Finally, money from national budgets will need to be taken from other areas and spent on vital healthcare, accommodation and transport facilities for the rising numbers of older citizens. In conclusion, various measures can be taken to tackle the problems that are certain to arise as the populations of countries grow older.
Words: 265Paragraphs: 4
Submitted: 7/23/2023, 03:09 PM

Coherence And Cohesion7.0

The essay is generally well-organized and demonstrates logical progression of ideas. Paragraphs are clearly structured, each focusing on a specific aspect of the topic. There is a clear introduction, body, and conclusion, which helps in maintaining coherence throughout the essay. Cohesive devices are used effectively to link ideas within and between paragraphs, although some transitions could be more varied to enhance the flow of the essay.

Recommendations:

  • Ensure that each paragraph transitions smoothly to the next. For example, use concluding sentences that lead into the subsequent paragraph's topic.
  • Enhance the conclusion by summarizing the main points discussed in the essay, which can improve coherence and provide a stronger sense of closure.
  • Vary the use of cohesive devices to avoid repetition and enhance the natural flow of the essay. For instance, instead of repeatedly using 'firstly' and 'finally,' consider using phrases like 'to begin with' and 'in addition.'

Lexical Resource7.0

The essay demonstrates a good range of vocabulary that is relevant to the topic, with appropriate use of words and phrases related to aging populations and societal impacts. However, the vocabulary is somewhat safe, with limited use of less common lexical items or idiomatic expressions that could enhance the lexical resource score.

Recommendations:

  • Use synonyms and varied expressions to avoid repetition of common words like 'people' and 'governments' to enrich the text.
  • Incorporate a wider range of less common vocabulary and idiomatic expressions related to the topic to demonstrate a higher level of lexical resource.
  • Experiment with more complex word forms and collocations to show flexibility and precision in vocabulary usage.

Grammatical Range7.0

The essay demonstrates a good command of grammatical range, using a variety of complex structures effectively. The sentences are mostly error-free, showcasing a strong understanding of grammar rules.

Recommendations:

  • Incorporate more varied sentence structures, such as conditional sentences or passive voice, to further demonstrate grammatical range.
  • Experiment with different verb tenses to add depth to the discussion, such as the future perfect tense when discussing future consequences.

Task Achievement7.0

The essay addresses the task prompt by discussing both the positive and negative impacts of an aging population and declining birth rates. It outlines potential problems such as increased pension burdens and healthcare demands, and suggests solutions like raising the retirement age and encouraging immigration. However, the essay does not explicitly address the extent to which the writer agrees or disagrees with the development, nor does it provide specific examples to support the viewpoint.

Recommendations:

  • Include specific examples to support your points about the consequences and solutions, as this will strengthen your argument and demonstrate a thorough understanding of the topic.
  • Ensure that the conclusion summarizes both the positive and negative impacts discussed, and restates your position on the trend to provide a clear and cohesive response to the task prompt.
  • Explicitly state your position on whether you agree or disagree with the development of longer life expectancy and declining birth rates, as the prompt asks for your viewpoint on this trend.
GRADED
7.0
Coherence and Cohesion:7.0
Lexical Resource:7.0
Grammatical Range:7.0
Task Achievement:7.0
Band Score:7.0
Coherence and Cohesion7
Logical structure7
Introduction & conclusion present7
Supported main points7
Accurate linking words7
Variety in linking words7
Lexical Resource7
Varied vocabulary7
Accurate spelling & word formation7
Grammatical Range7
Mix of complex & simple sentences7
Clear and correct grammar7
Task Achievement7
Complete response7
Clear & comprehensive ideas7
Relevant & specific examples7
Appropriate word count7
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