BAND 7.5 IELTS ESSAY SAMPLE: TECHNOLOGICAL ADVANCEMENTS - COMPLICATION OR EFFICIENCY?

Explore an IELTS essay sample on the implications of technological advancements. This Band 7.5 essay discusses views both for and against technology, highlighting benefits like easier access to online learning and medical advancements, along with the challenges faced by the older and less-privileged population. Perfect resource for IELTS aspirants to understand argumentative writing.

Writing Task

Some people argue that technological advancements have made our lives more complicated rather than simpler. Others, however, believe that these advancements have made our lives easier and more efficient. Discuss both views and give your own opinion. Support your answer with relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

IELTS Writing Sample Essay with Band 7.0 Scoring and Feedback

In today's digital era, the benefits and drawbacks of technological advancements have sparked an intense debate. Some argue that it complicates our lives, while on the other hand, the rest state that it makes our daily lives more efficient. However, both views have their justifications that must be taken into consideration. On the one hand, technological advancement complicates our lives through a high level of up-front instructions and digital transformation requirements. To operate well, users are demanded to understand the unprecedented instructions before technology usage. The demand will be particularly difficult, especially for the older-age and less-knowledgeable populations. Moreover, certain applications require higher technological specifications that are more expensive and limited. Additionally, mandatory digitalization such as online learning access and electronic ID card often pose a burden to underprivileged citizens due to economic difficulties. However, some people benefit more from technological advancements. The rapidly-growing digitalization enables easier access to online learning, especially during the previous pandemic. Online learning has enabled through-screen communication across geographical gaps, providing a more efficient way to study from anywhere. Moreover, technological advancements made futuristic innovation come to life. It enabled robotic surgery and genetic editing to tackle difficult situations in the medical field. Personally, I would say that the benefits of technology outweigh its drawbacks. Although adaptations are required prior to its utilization, scientific innovation will serve and ease our lives better in the long term. As a student and researcher in a rapidly-growing field, technology has facilitated easier access to scientific findings. Moreover, it allows users to build a global range of connections and collaborations that will benefit our country in multiple aspects, such as medicine, politics, the economy, and many more. Therefore, the benefits and drawbacks of technological advancements differ depending on each person's perspective. Although the older-age and less-privileged populations may have difficulties in operating the system, the advantages of technological utilization cannot be undermined. Mandatory digitalization such as online learning, electronic ID card, and electronic payment are considered more effective approaches compared to manual ones. Hence, it is important to regulate its utilization to optimize its benefit to all-range of the population. This goal can be approached from governmental action to enable better access to the technology for the targeted groups.
Words: 370Paragraphs: 5
Submitted: 7/19/2023, 05:27 AM

Coherence And Cohesion7.0

The essay demonstrates a logical structure with clear paragraphing, effectively discussing both views on technological advancements. The introduction sets up the debate, the body paragraphs explore both perspectives, and the conclusion summarizes the arguments, presenting a personal stance. Transition words like 'on the one hand', 'however', and 'moreover' are used to connect ideas, but some transitions between sentences could be smoother, and certain sections could benefit from clearer referencing to maintain cohesion.

Recommendations:

  • Use more varied cohesive devices to link sentences and paragraphs, such as 'in addition', 'furthermore', or 'consequently', to avoid repetition and enhance readability.
  • Improve transitions between ideas within paragraphs to enhance flow. For example, when transitioning from discussing the challenges faced by older populations to the economic burden on underprivileged citizens, use linking phrases to clearly show the relationship between these points.
  • Ensure that referencing is clear, especially when referring back to previously mentioned ideas. For instance, when discussing 'mandatory digitalization', explicitly link back to earlier examples to reinforce cohesion.

Lexical Resource7.0

The essay demonstrates a good range of vocabulary relevant to the topic of technological advancements and their impact on society. The writer uses a variety of words and phrases to express ideas, such as 'digital era,' 'up-front instructions,' 'digital transformation,' 'unprecedented instructions,' and 'futuristic innovation.' There is also some use of less common lexical items like 'genetic editing' and 'robotic surgery,' which enhance the response. However, there are instances where word choice could be more precise or varied, and a few phrases could be more naturally expressed.

Recommendations:

  • Avoid repetition by using synonyms or paraphrasing. For instance, instead of repeating 'technological advancements,' use terms like 'technological progress' or 'innovations in technology'.
  • Pay attention to collocations and ensure they are used correctly. For example, 'mandatory digitalization' could be more naturally expressed as 'compulsory digital integration'.
  • Incorporate more precise and varied vocabulary to express ideas more clearly. For example, instead of 'up-front instructions,' consider 'initial setup requirements' or 'preliminary guidelines'.

Grammatical Range7.0

The essay demonstrates a good command of grammatical structures, utilizing a range of complex and compound sentences effectively. There are instances of accurate use of various tenses and clauses, which enhance the clarity and coherence of the argument presented. However, there are minor errors and awkward constructions that slightly impede the natural flow of the essay.

Recommendations:

  • Review subject-verb agreement in sentences such as 'Online learning has enabled through-screen communication' to ensure grammatical accuracy.
  • Vary sentence structures more to include a wider range of grammatical forms, such as conditional sentences or passive voice, to further demonstrate grammatical range.
  • Pay attention to article use, for example, 'the older-age and less-knowledgeable populations' could be refined to 'older and less knowledgeable populations' for improved grammatical accuracy.

Task Achievement7.0

The essay effectively addresses the task by discussing both views on technological advancements and providing a clear personal opinion. The writer presents arguments for both sides and supports them with relevant examples, such as online learning during the pandemic and advancements in the medical field. The conclusion reinforces the writer's opinion, emphasizing the need for regulatory action to optimize technology's benefits.

Recommendations:

  • Clarify the personal stance earlier in the essay to provide a clearer direction for the reader. This could be done at the end of the introduction to set the stage for the following discussion.
  • Ensure that each argument is supported by specific and detailed examples. For instance, when discussing the burden on underprivileged citizens, provide more concrete examples or data to strengthen the argument.
GRADED
7.0
Coherence and Cohesion:7.0
Lexical Resource:7.0
Grammatical Range:7.0
Task Achievement:7.0
Band Score:7.0
Coherence and Cohesion7
Logical structure7
Introduction & conclusion present7
Supported main points7
Accurate linking words7
Variety in linking words7

Lexical Resource7
Varied vocabulary7
Accurate spelling & word formation7

Grammatical Range7
Mix of complex & simple sentences7
Clear and correct grammar7

Task Achievement7
Complete response7
Clear & comprehensive ideas7
Relevant & specific examples7
Appropriate word count7