BAND 7.5 IELTS ESSAY SAMPLE: IMPORTANCE OF SCIENTISTS, ENGINEERS, MUSICIANS, AND ARTISTS IN NATIONAL DEVELOPMENT

Explore our comprehensive IELTS Essay sample discussing the equal importance of arts and sciences. This band 7.5 write-up elaborates on the significant roles of scientists, engineers, artists, and musicians in societal and cultural development. Navigate through examples depicting their contributions towards a balanced and progressive nation.

Writing Task

Some people believe that it is necessary for a country's development to have a large number of scientists and engineers, while others think that other professionals, such as musicians and artists, are equally important for a country's progress. Discuss both views and give your own opinion. Provide specific examples and relevant evidence to support your answer.

IELTS Writing Sample Essay with Band 7.0 Scoring and Feedback

People claim to have many academically-inclined people such as scientists and engineers are necessary for an elite society, whereas professionals from other non-science fields are also graded as of equal importance. However, I strongly believe that every majors are equally crucial to a balanced and developed country, whether they are arts or science. In many countries, scientists and engineers play an important role in the development of a country as they have the ability to invent and enhance different machineries and architecture projects that benefit human's life. For instance, with the company of medical machines and artificial intelligence, more patients can now be treated more efficiently and accurately. Another advantage of having many professionals in engineering is they can work on creating more green spaces within cities which are overcrowding everyday. As a result, their citizens can expect a brighter future with the establishment of many new inventions that make every aspects of life better. However, it is also significant necessity to acknowledge the importance of other fields such as liberal arts or music. Since culture is the core of the existence of a country, artists as well as musicians contribute major factors in widening its values and making it more diverse in a flat world. Since literature and music display movements of the societies throughout the history, people, especially younger generation, directly benefit from arts and music as they help developing a strong bond to their home country. By studying literatures and other liberal artworks, they can understand the values and history of many countries and socities, which enable them to have a perspective knowledge of the world. Looking deeper into the issue, without artists, a nation can suffer from the loss of cultural identity as students do not have enough access to art and literature knowledge, this can even result in them losing the feeling of belonging to a community. In conclusion, while it is fair to claim that scientists and relevant professionals are essential to a country's economical development, I strongly believe artists and musicians also deserve acceptance and honor from the public equally to those of science because they help maintaining societies' cutural properties.
Words: 358Paragraphs: 4
Submitted: 7/12/2023, 07:27 AM

Coherence And Cohesion7.0

The essay demonstrates a logical structure with clear paragraphs that address both views of the argument. Transition words are used to connect ideas, but some sentences lack clarity and coherence, which affects the overall flow.

Recommendations:

  • Avoid abrupt transitions between ideas. For instance, when moving from discussing scientists to artists, use a transitional sentence to smoothly guide the reader.
  • Ensure each paragraph has a clear central topic and is cohesively linked to the next. For example, clearly state the main point at the beginning of each paragraph to guide the reader.
  • Improve the use of linking words and phrases to enhance the logical flow between sentences. For example, use phrases like 'On the other hand' or 'Additionally' to better connect ideas.
  • Clarify ambiguous sentences that may disrupt coherence, such as 'People claim to have many academically-inclined people'. Rephrase for clarity and better cohesion.

Lexical Resource7.0

The essay demonstrates a fair range of vocabulary with some attempts at using less common words and expressions. However, there are noticeable errors in word choice, collocation, and formality that affect clarity and precision.

Recommendations:

  • Use more specific and context-appropriate vocabulary, such as 'perspective knowledge' which could be 'comprehensive understanding.'
  • Improve word choice and collocation by using more precise language. For example, replace 'claim to have' with 'assert that' and 'graded as' with 'considered.'
  • Enhance lexical variety by incorporating a wider range of synonyms and expressions. For instance, instead of repeating 'important,' use synonyms like 'vital' or 'crucial.'
  • Avoid informal language and phrases in academic writing, such as 'the company of' which can be replaced with 'the use of.'
  • Pay attention to word forms and grammatical correctness, such as 'every majors are' which should be 'every major is.'

Grammatical Range6.0

The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of grammatical structures, including complex sentences and some variety in sentence types. However, there are several grammatical errors that impact clarity and accuracy.

Recommendations:

  • Use plural forms correctly, such as 'societies' instead of 'socities'.
  • Use articles correctly, for instance, 'the company of medical machines' should be 'the use of medical machines'.
  • Correct preposition usage, such as 'benefit human's life' should be 'benefit human life'.
  • Improve sentence structure to avoid run-on sentences, like 'Looking deeper into the issue, without artists, a nation can suffer...' should be split into two sentences for clarity.
  • Ensure subject-verb agreement, such as changing 'every majors are' to 'every major is'.

Task Achievement7.0

The essay addresses the task by discussing both views on the importance of scientists and engineers versus artists and musicians in a country's development. It provides examples and a clear personal opinion that all professions are equally crucial for a balanced and developed country. However, the essay could benefit from more balanced coverage of both views and clearer examples in support of the arguments.

Recommendations:

  • Clarify the personal opinion throughout the essay, ensuring it is consistently supported by the examples provided.
  • Conclude with a summary that reinforces how both groups contribute to a country's development, using examples discussed.
  • Ensure both views are discussed with equal depth and detail to fully address the task prompt.
  • Provide more specific examples and evidence to support the arguments for the importance of artists and musicians.
GRADED
7.0
Coherence and Cohesion:7.0
Lexical Resource:7.0
Grammatical Range:6.0
Task Achievement:7.0
Band Score:7.0
Coherence and Cohesion7
Logical structure7
Introduction & conclusion present7
Supported main points7
Accurate linking words7
Variety in linking words7

Lexical Resource7
Varied vocabulary7
Accurate spelling & word formation7

Grammatical Range6
Mix of complex & simple sentences6
Clear and correct grammar6

Task Achievement7
Complete response7
Clear & comprehensive ideas7
Relevant & specific examples7
Appropriate word count7