BAND 7.5 IELTS ESSAY SAMPLE: EVALUATING POSITIVE AND NEGATIVE IMPACTS OF RISING ELDERLY POPULATION

Explore our Band 7.5 IELTS essay sample on the impacts of an increasing elderly population on society. Delve into the economic, societal, and health implications, as well as the untapped potential that the elderly bring to our communities. Discover balanced perspectives on this pressing issue and learn how to write a strong IELTS essay with our detailed analysis.

Writing Task

In many countries, the number of elderly people is increasing steadily. Some believe that this trend has negative effects on society, while others argue that it has positive impacts. Discuss both views and give your own opinion. Provide relevant examples and evidence to support your answer.

IELTS Writing Sample Essay with Band 7.0 Scoring and Feedback

The increasing elderly population is a topic that has been debated for years. Some people believe that this trend has negative effects on society, while others argue that it has positive impacts. On the one hand, the increasing elderly population can have several negative effects on society. For example, it can affect economic growth, trade, migration, disease patterns and prevalence, and fundamental assumptions about growing older. It can also strain social insurance and pension systems and challenge existing models of social support. Additionally, it can affect the way that families function and the ability of governments and communities to provide adequate resources for older adults. Furthermore, it can increase the prevalence of chronic disease and disability and increase the need for specialized health care workers. On the other hand, there are also positive impacts of an aging population. Older people are able to adapt to their changing circumstances and wish to contribute to the societies they live in for as long as they possibly can. They have a wealth of knowledge and experience that can be shared with younger generations. They can also provide valuable services such as volunteering in their communities or providing care for their grandchildren. In my opinion, while there are certainly challenges associated with an aging population, there are also many benefits. It is important for governments and communities to recognize these benefits and work more or less to create policies that support older adults while also addressing the challenges associated with an aging population of society.
Words: 251Paragraphs: 1
Submitted: 7/21/2023, 10:52 AM

Coherence And Cohesion7.0

The essay generally follows a logical structure, with clear paragraphs discussing both views and offering a personal opinion. However, some transitions between ideas could be smoother to enhance the overall flow.

Recommendations:

  • Incorporate a concluding sentence in each paragraph to summarize the main point discussed and link it back to the overall argument of the essay.
  • Use more cohesive devices to link ideas within and between paragraphs to improve the flow of the essay. For example, use phrases like 'Moreover', 'In addition', or 'Consequently' to connect sentences and paragraphs more effectively.
  • Ensure each paragraph has a clear topic sentence that introduces the main idea to be discussed. This will help guide the reader through your argument and make the essay more coherent.

Lexical Resource7.0

The essay demonstrates a good range of vocabulary with some effective use of less common lexical items. However, there are instances where word choices could be more precise or varied to enhance clarity and engagement.

Recommendations:

  • Avoid vague terms like 'many benefits' and provide specific examples or use more descriptive language to convey the advantages.
  • Incorporate more varied and precise vocabulary to avoid repetition, such as using synonyms for 'increasing elderly population' like 'growing number of senior citizens' or 'rising elderly demographic.'
  • Use collocations and phrases that are more specific to the context, like 'economic burden' instead of 'affect economic growth' and 'demographic shift' instead of 'trend.'

Grammatical Range7.0

The essay demonstrates a good range of grammatical structures with a mix of complex and simple sentences. However, there are occasional grammatical inaccuracies and awkward constructions that could be improved.

Recommendations:

  • Vary sentence structures by incorporating more relative clauses and conditional sentences to enhance grammatical range, such as using 'who', 'which', 'that', and 'if' clauses.
  • Review the use of articles, especially in phrases like 'the increasing elderly population', which should be 'an increasing elderly population' for general statements.
  • Ensure subject-verb agreement is consistently maintained, such as in 'Older people are able to adapt to their changing circumstances and wish to contribute', which is correct but should be checked throughout the essay for consistency.
  • Avoid awkward phrasing like 'work more or less to create policies', which could be clearer as 'work diligently to create policies'.

Task Achievement7.0

The essay addresses the task by discussing both the negative and positive impacts of an increasing elderly population, providing examples for each perspective, and stating a clear personal opinion. However, the discussion could benefit from more specific examples and evidence to support the claims made.

Recommendations:

  • Ensure that the opinion is not just stated but also integrated throughout the essay, showing how it aligns with the points discussed.
  • Provide more specific examples and evidence to support the claims about the negative and positive impacts of an aging population. For instance, mention specific countries or case studies where these effects are evident.
  • Enhance the depth of discussion by exploring the implications of the points mentioned. For example, how exactly do older people contribute through volunteering or caring for grandchildren?
GRADED
7.0
Coherence and Cohesion:7.0
Lexical Resource:7.0
Grammatical Range:7.0
Task Achievement:7.0
Band Score:7.0
Coherence and Cohesion7
Logical structure7
Introduction & conclusion present7
Supported main points7
Accurate linking words7
Variety in linking words7

Lexical Resource7
Varied vocabulary7
Accurate spelling & word formation7

Grammatical Range7
Mix of complex & simple sentences7
Clear and correct grammar7

Task Achievement7
Complete response7
Clear & comprehensive ideas7
Relevant & specific examples7
Appropriate word count7