BAND 7.5 IELTS ESSAY SAMPLE: EFFECTS OF INCREASING RETIREMENT AGE IN VARIOUS COUNTRIES - BOTH SIDES DISCUSSION

Explore our insightful Band 7.5 IELTS essay sample on the debated topic of increasing retirement age. Delve into perspectives from both sides: the benefits of extended work experience versus the impact on young professionals' opportunities and overall economy. Find well-structured, balanced arguments to guide your IELTS preparation.

Writing Task

In many countries, the age of retirement is being increased gradually as life expectancy rises. Some people argue that this has negative effects on the workforce, while others think it is beneficial. Discuss both views and provide your own opinion.

IELTS Writing Sample Essay with Band 7.0 Scoring and Feedback

The age of retirement has been a controversial topic in the past few years. As the life expectancy grows, the age of retirement increases in many parts of the world. People have two general opinions towards the mentioned issue. One group believes this to be a positive trend while the other portion claims opposition. There are some convincing arguments in favor of the first group. For instance, the corporate can benefit from the valuable work experience of the older members if they were able to work for a longer period of time. In addition, the effort, time and money spent on certain individuals to become professional workers must be acknowledged and appreciated by having those of older ages work as long as possible. On the other hand, the vast majority of society is agaisnt the seemingly unstoppable rise of retirement age. They believe it to have more detrimental effects than benefits, arguing that older people neither have the capacity nor the incentive of a young person to work efficiently and productively. They are of the opinion that letting people keep the same positions for many years will deprive younger people of job opportunities and promotions. Additionally, many of the older workers are not willing to continue working because of their health conditions and they must not have to do so. From my point of view, retirement age shouldn't grow since people work to live, not live to work. Given today's unemployment rate and economy, it is best for everyone to retire sooner.
Words: 252Paragraphs: 1
Submitted: 7/20/2023, 09:48 AM

Coherence And Cohesion7.0

The essay presents a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs discussing both perspectives, and a conclusion. The ideas are logically sequenced, with each paragraph focusing on a distinct aspect of the issue. However, the use of linking words and cohesive devices is limited, which affects the overall flow and clarity.

Recommendations:

  • Avoid abrupt shifts in ideas by using cohesive devices, such as pronouns or synonyms, to refer back to previous points and maintain topic consistency.
  • Enhance the use of linking words and phrases to improve the flow between sentences and paragraphs, such as 'Firstly', 'Moreover', 'However', and 'In conclusion'.
  • Ensure each paragraph transitions smoothly to the next by using transitional phrases or sentences that summarize the previous point and introduce the next one.

Lexical Resource7.0

The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with some attempts at precision and variety. However, there are occasional errors in word choice and spelling that slightly impede clarity and reduce the overall lexical sophistication.

Recommendations:

  • Use more precise vocabulary to enhance clarity and impact, such as 'workforce participation' instead of 'work for a longer period of time' and 'societal impacts' instead of 'detrimental effects.'
  • Expand the range of vocabulary by incorporating more synonyms and varied expressions to avoid repetition, such as using 'elderly employees' instead of 'older members' and 'escalating retirement age' instead of 'rise of retirement age.'
  • Be cautious of spelling errors, such as 'agaisnt' which should be 'against,' as these can detract from the overall quality of the writing.

Grammatical Range7.0

The essay demonstrates a good range of grammatical structures, including complex sentences and varied sentence forms. However, there are occasional errors in subject-verb agreement and word forms.

Recommendations:

  • Consider varying sentence structures further by incorporating more compound-complex sentences to enhance grammatical range.
  • Ensure subject-verb agreement is maintained throughout the essay. For example, 'the corporate can benefit' should be 'corporations can benefit.'
  • Review the use of articles, as in 'the corporate' which should be 'corporations' without 'the.'
  • Correct spelling errors such as 'agaisnt' to 'against' to improve accuracy.

Task Achievement7.0

The essay addresses the task prompt by discussing both views on increasing the retirement age and provides a clear personal opinion. However, the discussion lacks depth in some areas, and the conclusion could be more developed.

Recommendations:

  • Ensure that the conclusion restates the main points and provides a stronger closing statement to reinforce your opinion.
  • Provide more detailed explanations and examples for each viewpoint to enhance the depth of the discussion.
  • Clarify the benefits and drawbacks of increasing the retirement age with specific examples or statistics to strengthen the argument.
GRADED
7.0
Coherence and Cohesion:7.0
Lexical Resource:7.0
Grammatical Range:7.0
Task Achievement:7.0
Band Score:7.0
Coherence and Cohesion7
Logical structure7
Introduction & conclusion present7
Supported main points7
Accurate linking words7
Variety in linking words7
Lexical Resource7
Varied vocabulary7
Accurate spelling & word formation7
Grammatical Range7
Mix of complex & simple sentences7
Clear and correct grammar7
Task Achievement7
Complete response7
Clear & comprehensive ideas7
Relevant & specific examples7
Appropriate word count7
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