BAND 7.5 IELTS ESSAY SAMPLE: DISCUSSION ON WORKFORCE PREPARATION VS BROADER PURPOSE OF EDUCATION

Explore our Band 7.5 IELTS essay sample about the comprehensive role of education. Our essay highlights the significance of education beyond just preparing us for employment, focusing on life skills, personality development, and overall understanding of the world.

Writing Task

Some people believe that the purpose of education is to prepare individuals for the workforce, while others argue that education serves a broader purpose beyond employment. Discuss both views and give your own opinion. Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

IELTS Writing Sample Essay with Band 7.0 Scoring and Feedback

Education is a major part of all of our lives. A major part of our childhood is spent in receiving education as well as a large part of our adult life. However, it is often believed that the sole purpose of education is to ready youth for employment. I do not agree with this opinion, and I believe that the purpose of education is to learn: to improve our understanding of the world and individuals. Education prepares us for the trials that life presents us with, and working is a large part of it but there are other things to life. To elaborate, much of primary and secondary education is dedicated to helping children be expressive and to instill values in them that makes them a good humans. For instance, I was regularly taught about kindness, piety, and humbleness in primary school. Further, in secondary school I was taught how to express myself via speaking and writing. Though these characteristics prove helpful in workplaces, they are also what make my personality. It is understandable why some people believe that education is only there to prepare us for entering the workforce. The reason is that throughout school we are taught about how the skills we are being taught will help us in our future employment. This is because workplaces need some way to assess the skills and potential of prospective employees. Exams, tests and projects, which are a major part of most curricula, prove an excellent method to quantify a person's skills. consequently, this leads people to believe that the sole purpose of the curriculum is to prepare us for jobs but the skills we learn here are applicable in all aspects of life. To reiterate, acknowledging the fact that education does play a vital role in preparing us for employment, it important to understand that it serves a larger purpose of giving us individual experiences that make us who we are and shaping us into citizens of this world.
Words: 329Paragraphs: 4
Submitted: 7/16/2023, 03:33 PM

Coherence And Cohesion7.0

The essay demonstrates a good understanding of coherence and cohesion by logically organizing ideas and using cohesive devices effectively. The introduction presents the main topic and the writer's stance clearly. Each paragraph has a clear central idea, and there is a logical progression of ideas throughout the essay. Cohesive devices such as 'however', 'to elaborate', 'for instance', and 'to reiterate' are used to link ideas and provide clarity. However, some transitions could be smoother, and there are occasional lapses in maintaining a clear flow between sentences.

Recommendations:

  • Ensure that each paragraph logically follows from the previous one by summarizing the previous point or providing a clear link to the next idea.
  • Vary the use of cohesive devices to avoid repetition and enhance readability. For example, instead of repeatedly using 'for instance', consider using 'such as' or 'as an example' to provide variety.
  • Improve the use of linking words and phrases to ensure smoother transitions between ideas and paragraphs. For instance, use phrases like 'on the other hand', 'in addition', or 'moreover' to enhance the flow of the argument.

Lexical Resource7.0

The essay demonstrates a good range of vocabulary suitable for discussing the topic of education. There is an attempt to use less common lexical items and expressions, such as 'instill values', 'express myself via speaking and writing', and 'quantify a person's skills'. The vocabulary is generally appropriate and conveys the intended meaning effectively. However, there are occasional lapses in word choice and collocation that could be improved to enhance clarity and precision.

Recommendations:

  • Incorporate more topic-specific vocabulary related to education, such as 'curriculum design', 'educational philosophy', or 'holistic development', to demonstrate a deeper understanding and command of the subject matter.
  • Expand your range of vocabulary by learning synonyms and antonyms for common words used in the essay, such as 'purpose', 'prepare', and 'skills'. This will help avoid repetition and enhance lexical variety.
  • Pay attention to collocations and ensure that word combinations are natural and appropriate, for example, 'make my personality' could be better expressed as 'shape my personality'.

Grammatical Range7.0

The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of grammatical structures, including complex sentences and varied sentence types. However, there are some grammatical errors and areas where sentence structures could be improved for clarity and variety.

Recommendations:

  • Pay attention to punctuation, particularly with conjunctions, to improve sentence clarity. For example, 'consequently, this leads' should start with a capital letter after the period.
  • Ensure subject-verb agreement throughout the essay to avoid errors such as 'makes them a good humans' which should be 'makes them good humans.'
  • Vary sentence structures by incorporating more complex and compound sentences for better grammatical range. For example, instead of repeating similar sentence structures, try combining ideas to form more complex sentences.
  • Use more varied sentence beginnings to avoid repetition and enhance readability, such as starting sentences with adverbial phrases or dependent clauses.

Task Achievement7.0

The essay addresses the task prompt by discussing both views on the purpose of education and providing the writer's opinion. It presents a clear stance that education serves a broader purpose beyond just preparing for the workforce. The arguments are supported with personal examples and reasoning, which align with the task requirements.

Recommendations:

  • Clarify and reinforce the writer's opinion in the conclusion to ensure it is distinct and aligns with the discussion throughout the essay.
  • Ensure that both views are discussed with equal depth and clarity. The essay leans more towards arguing that education serves a broader purpose, with less emphasis on explaining why some believe its primary purpose is workforce preparation.
  • Integrate more varied examples or evidence to support each viewpoint. This will strengthen the argument and demonstrate a comprehensive understanding of the topic.
GRADED
7.0
Coherence and Cohesion:7.0
Lexical Resource:7.0
Grammatical Range:7.0
Task Achievement:7.0
Band Score:7.0
Coherence and Cohesion7
Logical structure7
Introduction & conclusion present7
Supported main points7
Accurate linking words7
Variety in linking words7
Lexical Resource7
Varied vocabulary7
Accurate spelling & word formation7
Grammatical Range7
Mix of complex & simple sentences7
Clear and correct grammar7
Task Achievement7
Complete response7
Clear & comprehensive ideas7
Relevant & specific examples7
Appropriate word count7
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