BAND 7.5 IELTS ESSAY SAMPLE: BALANCING ENVIRONMENTAL CONCERNS WITH ECONOMIC DEVELOPMENT - A COMPREHENSIVE DISCUSSION

Explore a high-scoring Band 7.5 IELTS essay sample discussing the shared responsibility of governments and individuals in preserving the environment. From laws mitigating pollution to the impact of individual actions such as car usage and recycling, discover the comprehensive approach towards environment conservation.

Writing Task

In today's world, many people argue that it is essential to address environmental issues, while others believe that the primary focus should be on economic development. Discuss both views and give your own opinion. Provide relevant examples and evidence to support your response.

IELTS Writing Sample Essay with Band 7.0 Scoring and Feedback

People hold different views about whether the government should shoulder the responsibility of preserving the environment or each person is responsible one. From my standpoint, it will be more beneficial if both the country’s authorities and individuals share the responsibility. On the one hand, the government may play a pivotal role in maintaining the environment safe and healthy. It is authorities that should introduce the legislation in order to mitigate environmental problems, such as air pollution and more. To illustrate, there should be some laws encouraging factories to move to the country sides rather than staying in cities. This could help urban areas to be further protected from the poisonous fumes, which are always discharged from firms. Another prominent role the government could play would be creating TV programs to educate citizens, and to persuade them to care the nature more. Being informed of the consequences of their activities, individuals may endeavor to alter their ways, to avoid harming the environment. On the other hand, it is undeniable that each person can play an important role in protecting their own neighborhood. Cars are considered to be a major source of air pollution. Their exhaust gases contaminate the air, ranging from carbon dioxide to unburnt carbon. Therefore, by using their own vehicles only in rare cases, people would be able to protect the environment. Another opportunity available to individuals is recycling. By stopping plastic waste from entering and contaminating waterways people are able to conserve drinkable water and its inhabitants. In conclusion, due to the large amount of work involved, mobilising all the possible forces is a more sensible approach. It is, therefore, likely that joint efforts of both the governments and their citizens would result in the most effective way of preserving the environment.
Words: 294Paragraphs: 4
Submitted: 7/23/2023, 09:42 AM

Coherence And Cohesion7.0

The essay is structured in a clear, logical manner, effectively discussing both viewpoints and providing a personal opinion. The use of cohesive devices such as 'On the one hand' and 'On the other hand' helps in organizing the ideas. However, there are some areas where cohesion could be improved for better clarity and flow.

Recommendations:

  • Clarify pronoun references to avoid ambiguity. For example, instead of using 'it' or 'they', specify what 'it' or 'they' refers to when the subject is not immediately clear.
  • Ensure consistent use of cohesive devices to link ideas within paragraphs. For instance, use phrases like 'for example' or 'such as' to introduce examples clearly.
  • Improve paragraph transitions to enhance the flow between ideas. Consider using linking words or phrases like 'furthermore', 'in addition', or 'moreover' to connect paragraphs more smoothly.

Lexical Resource7.0

The essay demonstrates a good range of vocabulary with appropriate use of lexical resources. It effectively uses vocabulary related to environmental issues and economic development, such as 'preserving the environment,' 'air pollution,' 'poisonous fumes,' and 'exhaust gases.' The language is generally precise and appropriate for the topic. However, there are some instances where word choice could be improved for clarity and impact, such as 'care the nature more' which should be 'care for nature more.'

Recommendations:

  • Replace 'care the nature more' with 'care for nature more' to ensure correct usage of prepositions.
  • Include more specific examples of legislation or initiatives to illustrate points, which would demonstrate a wider lexical range related to policy and governance.
  • Expand the use of synonyms and varied expressions to further enhance lexical range, such as using 'environmental conservation' instead of repeating 'preserving the environment.'
  • Avoid repetition of phrases like 'play a role' and instead use alternatives such as 'contribute significantly' or 'have a pivotal influence.'

Grammatical Range7.0

The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of grammatical structures, including complex sentences and conditional clauses. However, there are several instances of grammatical inaccuracies, such as incorrect verb forms, missing prepositions, and awkward phrasing that affect clarity and coherence.

Recommendations:

  • Use a wider variety of grammatical structures, such as passive voice or inversion, to demonstrate a broader range of grammatical competence.
  • Ensure subject-verb agreement in all sentences, particularly in complex sentences like 'it is authorities that should introduce the legislation.' Consider rephrasing to 'it is the authorities who should introduce legislation.'
  • Use appropriate prepositions consistently, as seen in 'to persuade them to care the nature more.' It should be 'to care for nature more.'
  • Review and correct awkward phrasing and sentence structures, such as 'Being informed of the consequences of their activities, individuals may endeavor to alter their ways, to avoid harming the environment.' Consider simplifying to 'When individuals are informed of the consequences of their activities, they may endeavor to alter their behavior to avoid harming the environment.'

Task Achievement7.0

The essay presents a clear discussion of both views regarding environmental responsibility and economic development. It outlines the roles of government and individuals in environmental protection, providing relevant examples such as legislation for factories and personal actions like reducing car usage and recycling. The writer states their opinion clearly, advocating for a collaborative approach between government and individuals.

Recommendations:

  • Clarify the connection between economic development and environmental issues to strengthen the task achievement.
  • Ensure both views in the prompt are addressed equally. The essay focuses more on environmental responsibility without adequately discussing the viewpoint that prioritizes economic development.
  • Provide more specific examples or evidence related to economic development to balance the discussion.
GRADED
7.0
Coherence and Cohesion:7.0
Lexical Resource:7.0
Grammatical Range:7.0
Task Achievement:7.0
Band Score:7.0
Coherence and Cohesion7
Logical structure7
Introduction & conclusion present7
Supported main points7
Accurate linking words7
Variety in linking words7

Lexical Resource7
Varied vocabulary7
Accurate spelling & word formation7

Grammatical Range7
Mix of complex & simple sentences7
Clear and correct grammar7

Task Achievement7
Complete response7
Clear & comprehensive ideas7
Relevant & specific examples7
Appropriate word count7