BAND 7.0 IELTS ESSAY SAMPLE: PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY VS GOVERNMENT INTERVENTION IN HEALTHCARE

Explore our IELTS Essay Sample with a Band 7.0 Score - A comprehensive discussion on the shared responsibility of individuals and governments in health care. Discover insights on healthcare systems, personal health awareness, and the impact of public health facilities on societal health outcomes.

Writing Task

Some people argue that individuals should be held responsible for their poor health, while others believe that the government should bear the burden of providing healthcare for everyone. Discuss both views and give your own opinion. Support your answer with relevant examples and evidence.

IELTS Writing Sample Essay with Band 7.0 Scoring and Feedback

Health is perhaps the most valuable thing a person possesses. In today's day and age, everyone should be responsible for caring for themselves, but it should also be the government's responsibilty to look out for its people. I believe that to an extent people have to be accountable for their health but it is mainly the governments job to provide people with guidance and health facilities. Every individual's body is unique and the first person to recognize that something is wrong with the body is the person themselves. To elaborate, when there is something wrong with the body there are symptoms such as fevers and rashes. People should take note of these symptoms and take approriate action such as contacting a doctor. There are many cases of severe illnesses due to negligence towards symptoms. Everyone has a responsibility towards their bodies and should be aware of the state of their health. However, being self-aware is often not enough, the government has a duty towards the people to provide reliable and affordable healthcare. This is because without access to proper facilities people cannot treat themselves or adjust their lifestyles as medical professionals guide people on what adjustments to make to their diet or what medicines to take. For example, looking at the current state of healthcare in the world, countries that focus on public healthcare tend to have the greatest advancements in medicine as well as the lowest mortality rates. This is evidence of the impact of correct management on the public's health. It is my understanding that the responsibility of the government is larger regarding healthcare and there should be proper funds and departments dedicated to this sector. In summation, it is a persons duty to look after themselves but the administration plays a more significant role in this regard.
Words: 300Paragraphs: 5
Submitted: 7/16/2023, 05:28 PM

Coherence And Cohesion7.0

The essay generally follows a logical structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. The ideas are presented in a clear sequence, and there is an attempt to link ideas with cohesive devices. However, there are some areas where the coherence and cohesion can be improved, particularly in ensuring smooth transitions between ideas and enhancing the clarity of connections between sentences and paragraphs.

Recommendations:

  • Consider using more topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph to clearly indicate the main point being discussed, which will help guide the reader through your argument more effectively.
  • Ensure that each paragraph clearly links back to the main thesis stated in the introduction. For example, in the third paragraph, explicitly connect the discussion of government responsibility to the main argument about the balance of responsibility between individuals and the government.
  • Clarify the relationship between ideas within paragraphs. For example, in the second paragraph, after discussing individual responsibility, explicitly transition to the limitations of self-awareness and the need for government support, to enhance the logical flow of ideas.
  • Improve the use of cohesive devices to link sentences and paragraphs more effectively. For instance, use more varied linking words and phrases to connect ideas, such as 'furthermore,' 'in addition,' or 'consequently,' to create smoother transitions between sentences and paragraphs.

Lexical Resource7.0

The essay demonstrates a sufficient range of vocabulary to discuss the topic effectively, using appropriate vocabulary related to health and government responsibilities. However, there are instances of spelling errors and some repetition of words and phrases that could be improved.

Recommendations:

  • Pay attention to spelling errors such as 'responsibilty' and 'approriate.' Proofreading can help catch these mistakes.
  • Incorporate more varied sentence structures to enhance lexical resource, such as using complex sentences or different connectors.
  • Expand your vocabulary related to health and government responsibilities to avoid repetition. For example, instead of repeating 'responsibility' and 'duty,' you might use synonyms like 'obligation,' 'accountability,' or 'commitment.'

Grammatical Range7.0

The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of grammatical structures, including complex sentences and appropriate use of verb tenses. However, there are some grammatical errors and inconsistencies, such as subject-verb agreement, article usage, and spelling mistakes, which affect the overall grammatical accuracy.

Recommendations:

  • Check for spelling errors, such as 'responsibilty' which should be 'responsibility' and 'approriate' which should be 'appropriate'.
  • Pay attention to subject-verb agreement, ensuring that singular subjects have singular verbs and plural subjects have plural verbs.
  • Improve article usage by reviewing when to use 'a', 'an', and 'the' correctly, as seen in 'it is mainly the governments job' which should be 'it is mainly the government's job'.
  • Work on sentence variety by incorporating more complex sentences without errors, ensuring that each sentence is clear and grammatically correct.

Task Achievement7.0

The essay addresses the task prompt by discussing both views regarding individual and government responsibility in healthcare. It presents a clear position, advocating for a balance but emphasizing the government's larger role. The essay provides relevant examples and supports the arguments with some evidence, such as the impact of public healthcare on mortality rates.

Recommendations:

  • Ensure that the essay's introduction clearly outlines the main points that will be discussed to provide a roadmap for the reader.
  • Enhance the discussion of both views by providing more balanced examples and evidence for each side to strengthen the argumentation. For instance, provide specific cases where individual responsibility significantly impacts health outcomes.
  • Expand on the conclusion to reinforce the essay's main arguments and provide a more comprehensive summary of the discussed points.
GRADED
7.0
Coherence and Cohesion:7.0
Lexical Resource:7.0
Grammatical Range:7.0
Task Achievement:7.0
Band Score:7.0
Coherence and Cohesion7
Logical structure7
Introduction & conclusion present7
Supported main points7
Accurate linking words7
Variety in linking words7
Lexical Resource7
Varied vocabulary7
Accurate spelling & word formation7
Grammatical Range7
Mix of complex & simple sentences7
Clear and correct grammar7
Task Achievement7
Complete response7
Clear & comprehensive ideas7
Relevant & specific examples7
Appropriate word count7
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