BAND 8.0 IELTS ESSAY SAMPLE: ANALYZING CAUSES AND SOLUTIONS FOR INCREASING CRIME RATES

Explore our detailed band 8.0 IELTS essay sample that discusses the influence of poverty and unemployment on rising crime rates. Discover potential solutions such as education, job creation, and free state services to combat these issues. Dive into an in-depth understanding of crime-relevant explanations and effective actions to curb crime rates worldwide.

Writing Task

In many countries, the amount of crime is increasing. What do you think are the main causes of crime? How can we deal with those causes? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

IELTS Writing Sample Essay with Band 6.5 Scoring and Feedback

Given the ever-increasing crime ratio in the contemporary era, potential crime-relevant explanations and solutions have been identified as a major concern worldwide. The current essay provides a detailed account of the underlying justifications to this matter, and offers practical actions to deal with it. Initially, it is universally accepted that poverty is the chief cause in the growth of crime rate in many regions. Due to global economic crisis and unemployment issues, lay people from diverse parts of the world struggle with financial problems. Having been homeless, jobless, and in dire need of fundamental life demands like health care, they find themselves miserable enough to commit crimes to afford their basic expenses. A wise man once said nothing is more dangerous that a man/woman in charge of family expenses who fails to make ends meet at the end of the months. With poverty as the prominent factor contributing to higher proportion of criminals in some nations, there are effective actions that could be taken by government to wrestle with crime rate concerns. In order to combat unemployment, authorities in charge could create opportunities in various sectors to educate less-priviledged community and prepare them for the job market. The more education targets minorities in poor regions, the more job opportunities would be available to pave the way for them to gain income. Turning to health care center and further crucial facilities, government could provide free of charge services to those below the poverty line, ranging from low-cost and free accommodation and education to health and commodities without charge. Conclusively, if higher crime rates are to be considered in a nation, a highly recommended solution would be to eradicate poverty, be it through education, occupation, or free services by the state.
Words: 289Paragraphs: 4
Submitted: 7/21/2023, 09:51 AM

Coherence And Cohesion6.0

The essay demonstrates a generally clear and logical progression of ideas. It begins with an introduction that outlines the main causes of crime and potential solutions. The body paragraphs are organized around the main cause of crime (poverty) and the corresponding solutions to address it. The use of linking words and phrases such as 'Initially,' 'Due to,' and 'With poverty as the prominent factor' helps to guide the reader through the argument. However, some transitions between ideas could be smoother, and the essay could benefit from more varied cohesive devices to enhance the flow of information.

Recommendations:

  • Consider using more specific examples or evidence to support the points made, which can help to strengthen the connections between ideas.
  • Introduce a greater variety of cohesive devices and linking words to improve the smoothness of transitions between ideas.
  • Ensure each paragraph has a clear central idea and that ideas within paragraphs are clearly linked to each other to maintain coherence.

Lexical Resource7.0

The essay demonstrates a good range of vocabulary relevant to the topic of crime and its causes, using terms like 'economic crisis', 'unemployment', 'fundamental life demands', and 'eradicate poverty'. There is an attempt to use less common lexical items such as 'lay people', 'dire need', and 'wrestle with crime rate concerns'. However, there are some inaccuracies and awkward word choices, such as 'crime-relevant explanations' and 'a wise man once said'.

Recommendations:

  • Be cautious of word choice and ensure that expressions like 'lay people' are used appropriately in context.
  • Expand the range of vocabulary by incorporating more precise and varied expressions related to crime and socio-economic issues.
  • Avoid awkward or less formal expressions in academic writing, such as 'a wise man once said', and replace them with more formal phrases.

Grammatical Range6.0

The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of grammatical structures, including complex sentences and varied clause types. However, there are minor errors in subject-verb agreement, article usage, and some awkward phrasing that slightly hinder clarity.

Recommendations:

  • Increase the use of a wider variety of complex structures to demonstrate a broader grammatical range, such as using different types of subordinate clauses and passive voice where appropriate.
  • Review and practice subject-verb agreement rules, especially in complex sentences, to avoid errors such as 'nothing is more dangerous that a man/woman' which should be 'than a man/woman'.
  • Improve article usage by ensuring definite and indefinite articles are correctly applied, such as 'a wise man once said' instead of 'wise man once said'.
  • Work on reducing awkward phrasing to enhance clarity, for example, 'Turning to health care center and further crucial facilities' could be rephrased for better coherence.

Task Achievement6.0

The essay addresses the task prompt by identifying poverty as the main cause of crime and suggests solutions such as education and government-provided services to mitigate this issue. It provides a clear position and supports it with logical reasoning and examples, maintaining relevance to the task throughout.

Recommendations:

  • Incorporate more specific examples or evidence to strengthen the argument and illustrate how proposed solutions have been effective or could be effective.
  • Ensure that the solutions provided are directly linked to the causes discussed, offering a balanced view of how each proposed solution addresses the specific cause.
  • Expand on the range of causes of crime beyond poverty to provide a more comprehensive response to the prompt, which asks for 'main causes' in the plural form.
GRADED
6.5
Coherence and Cohesion:6.0
Lexical Resource:7.0
Grammatical Range:6.0
Task Achievement:6.0
Band Score:6.5
Coherence and Cohesion6
Logical structure6
Introduction & conclusion present6
Supported main points6
Accurate linking words6
Variety in linking words6

Lexical Resource7
Varied vocabulary7
Accurate spelling & word formation6

Grammatical Range6
Mix of complex & simple sentences6
Clear and correct grammar6

Task Achievement6
Complete response6
Clear & comprehensive ideas6
Relevant & specific examples6
Appropriate word count6