BAND 7.5 IELTS ESSAY SAMPLE: EXAMINING THE CAUSES AND SOLUTIONS FOR RISING CRIME RATES WORLDWIDE

Explore our Band 7.5 Score IELTS sample essay on the rise in violent crimes. Delve into the root causes including increased unemployment and media influence, and understand the crucial role governments can play in prevention. Discover suggested solutions such as expanded education and stricter laws.

Writing Task

In many countries, the amount of crime is increasing. What do you think are the main causes of crime? How can we deal with those causes? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

IELTS Writing Sample Essay with Band 6.5 Scoring and Feedback

It is true that violent crime has increased in many countries lately. This essay examines some main reasons for this trend and argues that governments can play a major role in preventing such crimes. There are at least two important factors that contribute to the increasing number of criminals. First, millions of jobs have been lost globally due to rapid advancements in technology, innovations that have led to higher unemployment rates in many workforces. In these circumstances, some unemployed people have difficulty finding jobs, so they will end up in poverty, which is the root cause of crimes occurring to support their needs. Some reports show that a growing number of petty crimes have been reported in big urban cities with high unemployment rates, like drug trafficking, robbery, and smuggling. Secondly, some research proves that youngsters these days are more likely to carry out violent acts due to a lack of morality and self-control. These acts of cruelty have been influenced on daily basis by the media, which features many violent contents in numerous forms of entertainment such as online video games, and criminals' TV shows. Obviously, the offender rate is on the rise, if strict regulations have not been enacted. It would be the government's responsibility to tackle this problem, which can enforce law-abiding citizens to comply. In order to fix the root cause, education should be equally spread throughout the country to provide some practical skills that are currently in demand in the workforce. For example, in some countries, the local authorities have established professional institutions that provide technical training courses in specific fields such as mechanics, electricians, or informative technology. Moreover, lawmakers should introduce stricter laws and announce more serious punishments in order to discourage the young from breaking the law. As a result of the earlier approaches, we could see a decrease in criminal offences, while the overall quality of life in the nation would be improved. In conclusion, I truly believe that expanding educational opportunities and amending the punishment for the young would help resolve the issue, with the authorities playing a significant role to make changes.
Words: 352Paragraphs: 4
Submitted: 7/22/2023, 10:58 AM

Coherence And Cohesion6.5

The essay is generally well-structured with a clear progression of ideas. Each paragraph has a central topic and the ideas within paragraphs are logically ordered. However, there are some issues with the use of cohesive devices, which sometimes leads to awkward transitions between ideas.

Recommendations:

  • Avoid overusing certain phrases like 'for example' and 'obviously'. Consider varying these expressions to maintain reader engagement.
  • Use a wider range of linking words and phrases to improve the transitions between sentences and paragraphs, ensuring a smoother flow of ideas.
  • Ensure that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence that directly relates to the main question, improving the cohesion between the introduction and the body paragraphs.

Lexical Resource7.0

The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary with some attempts at using less common lexical items such as 'rapid advancements', 'petty crimes', and 'law-abiding citizens'. However, there are instances of repetitive use of certain words and phrases like 'crime', 'unemployment', and 'government', which could be varied to enhance lexical resource. Additionally, there are minor inaccuracies in word choice and collocations, such as 'informative technology' instead of 'information technology', and 'enforce law-abiding citizens to comply', which may confuse the reader.

Recommendations:

  • Incorporate more precise and advanced vocabulary related to the topic, such as 'socioeconomic factors', 'juvenile delinquency', or 'rehabilitative measures' to demonstrate a higher level of lexical resource.
  • Expand vocabulary by incorporating synonyms and varied expressions to avoid repetition, such as using 'offenses', 'criminal activities', or 'law-breaking' instead of repeatedly using 'crime'.
  • Ensure accurate use of collocations and word choice. For example, use 'information technology' instead of 'informative technology' and 'encourage compliance among citizens' instead of 'enforce law-abiding citizens to comply'.

Grammatical Range6.5

The essay demonstrates a good command of grammatical structures, with a variety of sentence types used effectively. There are instances of complex sentences and appropriate use of conjunctions. However, there are some minor grammatical errors and awkward phrasings that slightly impede clarity.

Recommendations:

  • Avoid awkward phrasing by revising sentences such as 'in these circumstances, some unemployed people have difficulty finding jobs, so they will end up in poverty.' Consider rephrasing for clarity and conciseness.
  • Increase the range of grammatical structures by incorporating more passive voice constructions where appropriate to add variety.
  • Review subject-verb agreement, particularly in sentences like 'violent contents' which should be 'violent content' as 'content' is uncountable in this context.
  • Ensure consistency in tense usage, especially when discussing research or reports, e.g., 'Some reports show' should maintain the same tense throughout the discussion.

Task Achievement6.5

The essay addresses the task prompt by identifying two main causes of crime: unemployment due to technological advancements and the influence of media on youth. It also suggests solutions such as improving education and enforcing stricter laws. The response is relevant and provides examples, but lacks depth in exploring each point thoroughly.

Recommendations:

  • Include more specific examples, possibly from different countries or contexts, to strengthen the argument and demonstrate a wider understanding of the issue.
  • Provide more detailed explanations and examples for each cause and solution to enhance the depth of the analysis.
  • Ensure that each part of the question is addressed equally, with balanced attention to both causes and solutions.
GRADED
6.5
Coherence and Cohesion:6.5
Lexical Resource:7.0
Grammatical Range:6.5
Task Achievement:6.5
Band Score:6.5
Coherence and Cohesion6.5
Logical structure7
Introduction & conclusion present6
Supported main points6
Accurate linking words7
Variety in linking words7

Lexical Resource7
Varied vocabulary7
Accurate spelling & word formation7

Grammatical Range6.5
Mix of complex & simple sentences7
Clear and correct grammar6

Task Achievement6.5
Complete response7
Clear & comprehensive ideas6
Relevant & specific examples6
Appropriate word count7