BAND 6.5 IELTS ESSAY SAMPLE: COMPARING SCHOOLING VS FAMILY TIME FOR YOUNG CHILDREN'S DEVELOPMENT

Explore the comprehensive analysis of a band 6.5 IELTS essay discussing the importance of education and familial responsibilities for youths. Unravel insights into the value of higher degrees and becoming independent for a successful future, while acknowledging the sacrifices of parents. A must-read for IELTS aspirants!

Writing Task

Some people believe that it is important for young children to attend school, while others think that they should spend more time with their family at home. Discuss both views and give your own opinion. Provide relevant examples and reasons to support your answer.

IELTS Writing Sample Essay with Band 6.5 Scoring and Feedback

It has been discussed whether it is vital for pupils to enroll at school, or spend more time with their parents. Even though family should be prioritized by children and have to spend some time with their parents, I strongly believe youths need to be educated and independent for the future of society and themselves. On the one hand, adults nurture, feed, and take care of children. When parents become old, they need to be taken care of and it is rational to expect their beloved ones to take care of them and spend time with them. Since mothers and fathers devoted their time and life to their children when they were young. Spending time with them is the last thing children can do for their parents. On the other hand, young people need to be educated to find an adequate position in society. These days finding a job is not easy like it used to be. Job-seekers have to get a high academic degree to get hired. Society requires educated people with high degrees. Educated people have always had better positions than people who do not have academic degrees. Big companies like Apple and Google do not hire individuals who are not educated. In my opinion graduated people have significantly better future. In conclusion, I strongly believe youths need to be free to make their own decision and even though parents have sacrificed a lot for their beloved ones and should be thanked, They should allow their children to get higher degrees and be educated.
Words: 256Paragraphs: 4
Submitted: 7/17/2023, 08:36 PM

Coherence And Cohesion6.0

The essay presents a clear discussion on both views regarding children's education versus spending time with family. It follows a logical structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. However, the transitions between ideas and paragraphs could be improved for better coherence and cohesion.

Recommendations:

  • Ensure each paragraph focuses on a single main idea and uses supporting sentences to elaborate, enhancing internal cohesion.
  • Improve paragraph transitions by using linking words such as 'Firstly', 'Moreover', 'Additionally', or 'On the contrary' to connect ideas more smoothly.
  • Use referencing words like 'this', 'these', 'such as', or 'those' to refer back to ideas mentioned previously, which can help maintain coherence throughout the essay.

Lexical Resource6.5

The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary relevant to the topic, with an attempt to use less common lexical items like 'nurture,' 'devoted,' and 'adequate position.' However, there are instances where word choices are either inaccurate or lack precision, such as 'youths need to be educated and independent,' which could be more specific, and 'graduated people,' which could be better phrased as 'graduates.'

Recommendations:

  • Incorporate more varied sentence structures to demonstrate a wider lexical range and avoid repetitive language patterns.
  • Expand your vocabulary range by learning synonyms and antonyms for common words to avoid repetition and enhance precision.
  • Focus on using collocations correctly, such as 'take care of' instead of 'take care them,' to improve naturalness and accuracy.

Grammatical Range6.0

The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of grammatical structures, including complex sentences and varied sentence patterns. However, there are occasional grammatical errors and awkward phrasing that impact clarity and coherence.

Recommendations:

  • Pay attention to punctuation, especially with conjunctions and transitional phrases, to improve sentence clarity and flow.
  • Improve subject-verb agreement by ensuring verbs match their subjects in number and tense, such as 'youths need to be educated' instead of 'youths need to be educate'.
  • Use a wider variety of sentence structures to enhance grammatical range, such as conditional sentences or passive voice, to add complexity to the essay.
  • Review the use of articles ('a', 'an', 'the') to ensure correct application in sentences, such as 'an adequate position' instead of 'adequate position'.

Task Achievement6.5

The essay addresses the task prompt by discussing both views on whether young children should attend school or spend more time with family. The writer provides a clear opinion in favor of education, supporting it with reasons such as the necessity of education for societal and personal success. However, the essay could benefit from more balanced discussion and clearer examples to fully meet the task achievement criteria.

Recommendations:

  • Ensure that each paragraph clearly relates back to the task prompt, maintaining focus on the specific question of whether attending school or staying at home is more beneficial.
  • Provide a more balanced discussion by elaborating on the benefits of spending time with family, not just the obligations children have towards their parents.
  • Include specific examples to illustrate how education directly benefits young individuals and society, such as case studies or statistics.
GRADED
6.5
Coherence and Cohesion:6.0
Lexical Resource:6.5
Grammatical Range:6.0
Task Achievement:6.5
Band Score:6.5
Coherence and Cohesion6
Logical structure6
Introduction & conclusion present6
Supported main points6
Accurate linking words6
Variety in linking words6
Lexical Resource6.5
Varied vocabulary7
Accurate spelling & word formation6
Grammatical Range6
Mix of complex & simple sentences6
Clear and correct grammar6
Task Achievement6.5
Complete response6
Clear & comprehensive ideas6
Relevant & specific examples7
Appropriate word count7
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