BAND 8.0 IELTS ESSAY SAMPLE: EXPLORE MAIN CAUSES OF CRIME AND THEIR SOLUTIONS IN INCREASINGLY CRIMINAL SOCIETIES

Explore our in-depth analysis of a Band 8.0 IELTS essay discussing rising crime rates, their potential causes, and potential solutions. Learn from our expertly written essay, unraveling the relationships between poverty, mental health, societal influence, and crime. Discover government measures that can be taken to reduce crime rates. A valuable resource for IELTS preparation.

Writing Task

In many countries, the amount of crime is increasing. What do you think are the main causes of crime? How can we deal with those causes? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

IELTS Writing Sample Essay with Band 6.0 Scoring and Feedback

Crime rates has been rising in many countries, recently. While there are various reasons for this trend, some steps can be taken by the authorities to resolve them. First and for most, poverty is responsible for the majority of crimes. As the capitalism widened the gap of quality of life between the poor and the wealthy, poor people are encouraged to rebel against the uneven dominated rules of society, and commit crime. Secondly, some crimes are intended due to psychological diseases. For example, patients suffering from antisocial disorder have more tendency to break the law because of the neurochemical imbalance taking action in their brain, compared to normal people. Finally, many cases of committed crimes might be under influence of some illicit drugs or playing violent videogames excessively, particularly in teenagers. Hopefully, there might be some solutions to mitigate the crime rate in societies. Governments can take steps to enhance the economy of citizens, especially those of lower socioeconomic levels. For instance, some minimal monthly wages paid to jobless people can eliminate their need to pickpocketing or shoplifting. In addition, a better screening programs and public education regarding psychological diseases can be extremely beneficial for both the patients and the society, as sooner diagnosis can strengthen the treatment efficacy, and the harmful societal aspects will decrease. Furthermore, some strict rules against production and trade of violent videogames, as well as drawing an age limit for playing, can reduce violent behaviors in teenagers. In conclusion, there are some actions to tackle the multifactorial causes of crime in the society, which can be done mainly by governments.
Words: 265Paragraphs: 4
Submitted: 7/22/2023, 09:57 AM

Coherence And Cohesion6.0

The essay is generally well-structured with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. Each paragraph focuses on a specific aspect of the causes of crime and solutions, which aids in maintaining coherence. However, there are some issues with cohesion, particularly with the use of linking words and phrases, which occasionally disrupts the flow of ideas.

Recommendations:

  • Ensure that each paragraph transitions smoothly to the next. For instance, the transition from discussing causes to solutions could be improved with a phrase like 'To address these causes,' at the beginning of the solutions paragraph.
  • Use a wider range of linking words and phrases to connect ideas within and between paragraphs more effectively. For example, use 'Moreover,' or 'Additionally,' instead of starting a sentence with 'Finally,' to maintain cohesion.
  • Clarify the sequence of ideas within paragraphs by using more specific connectors. For instance, in the paragraph about causes, use 'Firstly,' 'Secondly,' and 'Finally,' to clearly outline each cause.

Lexical Resource6.0

The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary relevant to the topic of crime and its causes, with some attempts at using less common lexical items. However, there are noticeable issues with word choice and collocation, as well as some repetition and lack of precision in vocabulary use.

Recommendations:

  • Pay attention to collocations and correct word forms. For example, 'crime rates has been rising' should be 'crime rates have been rising.' Ensure subject-verb agreement and correct use of singular/plural forms.
  • Expand your range of vocabulary by learning and practicing more topic-specific terms related to crime and societal issues. Use a thesaurus to find synonyms and incorporate them into your writing.
  • Avoid repetition by varying your language. For instance, instead of repeatedly using 'crime,' consider using synonyms like 'offenses,' 'illegal activities,' or 'criminal acts.'
  • Improve precision in your vocabulary. For example, 'patients suffering from antisocial disorder' should be 'patients suffering from antisocial personality disorder' to be more accurate.

Grammatical Range6.0

The essay demonstrates a fair range of grammatical structures, including complex sentences and conditionals. However, there are noticeable errors in subject-verb agreement and article usage, which affect clarity and precision.

Recommendations:

  • Check for consistent use of plural and singular forms, such as 'a better screening programs' which should be 'better screening programs.'
  • Use articles correctly. For example, 'the capitalism' should be 'capitalism' without 'the' unless specifying a particular type of capitalism.
  • Vary sentence structures more frequently to include a wider range of complex and compound sentences.
  • Ensure subject-verb agreement, especially in sentences like 'Crime rates has been rising' which should be 'Crime rates have been rising.'

Task Achievement6.0

The essay addresses the task prompt by identifying several causes of crime, such as poverty, psychological disorders, and influence from drugs and video games. It also suggests solutions like improving the economy, enhancing mental health screenings, and regulating video games. However, the essay lacks depth in discussing these causes and solutions, and some ideas are not fully developed or supported with relevant examples.

Recommendations:

  • Expand the conclusion to summarize the main points more effectively and reinforce the proposed solutions.
  • Ensure that each solution is clearly linked to the specific cause it is intended to address. This will help in demonstrating a clear understanding of how to tackle each issue.
  • Use more varied vocabulary and complex sentence structures to articulate ideas more clearly and cohesively.
  • Provide more detailed explanations and examples for each cause of crime mentioned. For instance, explain how poverty directly leads to crime with specific examples or statistics.
GRADED
6.0
Coherence and Cohesion:6.0
Lexical Resource:6.0
Grammatical Range:6.0
Task Achievement:6.0
Band Score:6.0
Coherence and Cohesion6
Logical structure6
Introduction & conclusion present6
Supported main points6
Accurate linking words6
Variety in linking words6
Lexical Resource6
Varied vocabulary6
Accurate spelling & word formation6
Grammatical Range6
Mix of complex & simple sentences6
Clear and correct grammar6
Task Achievement6
Complete response6
Clear & comprehensive ideas6
Relevant & specific examples6
Appropriate word count6
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