BAND 7.5 IELTS ESSAY SAMPLE: EXPLORING MAIN CAUSES AND SOLUTIONS FOR RISING CRIME RATES WORLDWIDE

Dive into this detailed analysis of the root causes of crime rate increase worldwide in our Band 7.5 IELTS essay sample. Explore how upbringing, environment, and society contribute to shaping a person's tendencies towards criminal activities, and discover proactive measures for crime reduction.

Writing Task

"In many countries, the amount of crime is increasing. What do you think are the main causes of crime? How can we deal with those causes? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience. Write at least 250 words."

IELTS Writing Sample Essay with Band 6.0 Scoring and Feedback

It is recorded that crime rate is going up in various nations worldwide, which has caused many citizens to question the key causes of criminal activities and furthermore the ways with which we can use to deal with those. In my opinion, a criminal is a result of these combined factors such as one's upbringing and the environment surrounding them. Therefore, reducing the numbers of crimes commited equals enhancing our society and how children are raised on the whole. Given that no individual was born a criminal, it is safe to say that children accumulate negative perceptions of what is right or wrong and the lack of self-awareness from their parents or caretaker. Young people, especially adolescents, pick up things they see and hear in order to mimic them since their minds are still in the developing state. For instance, if a boy was raised by an abusive and misoginistic father who tormented their mother and hurled insults at her all the time, chances are the child would grow up to be a carbon copy of his father and have a dim view of women because that was what he had seen his childhood, which accounts for domestic violence in his own family in the future. In addition to that, on a larger scale, impressionable youths who often hang around with ill-behaved individuals are prone to follow their paths. If your social circle is filled with drug dealers, sexual assultors, thieves and gamblers, you will grow to be one of them in no time. We are the people we spend time with, and in most cases, criminals are not a good influence and for our best interest, we need to steer clear of them. As discussed before, we should focus on making the society a better place for children not only to survive but to have a safe environment both at home and at school so that they can learn what wrongdoings are and how to deter from people who do those things. This includes educational programs about crime and punishment in class and a healthy, stable familial relationship as well. Providing hotlines that take care of abused and neglected children are crucial to ensure them a good life and not give in to doing the forbidden just to survive
Words: 380Paragraphs: 4
Submitted: 7/15/2023, 07:01 AM

Coherence And Cohesion6.0

The essay generally maintains coherence and cohesion through logical progression of ideas and use of cohesive devices. Each paragraph has a clear central topic, and transitions between ideas are mostly smooth. However, some areas could benefit from improved linking words and more consistent paragraphing to enhance readability and logical flow.

Recommendations:

  • Avoid overusing certain phrases or structures, such as 'for instance' and 'in addition to that,' to prevent repetition and enhance cohesion.
  • Ensure each paragraph has a clear central topic and supports it with relevant examples and explanations. This will help maintain coherence throughout the essay.
  • Use a wider range of cohesive devices and linking words to improve the flow between sentences and paragraphs. For example, use words like 'furthermore,' 'in contrast,' or 'as a result' to show relationships between ideas.

Lexical Resource6.0

The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary with some attempts at precise word choice. However, there are several instances of incorrect word form and spelling errors that affect clarity and precision.

Recommendations:

  • Use collocations and idiomatic expressions appropriately to enhance lexical richness, such as 'fall into bad company' instead of 'hang around with ill-behaved individuals'.
  • Improve spelling accuracy by proofreading the essay to correct misspelled words such as 'commited' (committed), 'misoginistic' (misogynistic), and 'assultors' (assailants).
  • Expand vocabulary by learning synonyms and precise terms to replace vague expressions like 'criminal activities' with more specific terms depending on context, e.g., 'offenses' or 'illegal acts'.
  • Use a wider range of vocabulary to describe causes and solutions, such as 'factors contributing to criminal behavior' instead of 'combined factors' to demonstrate a deeper lexical resource.

Grammatical Range6.0

The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of grammatical structures, including complex sentences and some use of passive voice. However, there are noticeable errors in subject-verb agreement, verb forms, and article usage that affect the clarity and accuracy of the writing.

Recommendations:

  • Ensure correct spelling to avoid distracting from the grammatical accuracy (e.g., 'misoginistic' should be 'misogynistic', 'assultors' should be 'assaulters').
  • Improve the use of articles ('a', 'an', 'the') to enhance sentence clarity and correctness (e.g., 'a criminal is a result' should be 'a criminal is the result').
  • Review verb forms and tenses to maintain consistency and accuracy throughout the essay (e.g., 'commited' should be 'committed').
  • Use more varied sentence structures to demonstrate a wider range of grammatical competence, such as incorporating conditional sentences or more passive constructions where appropriate.
  • Pay attention to subject-verb agreement, especially in complex sentences, to ensure that the subject and verb forms are consistent (e.g., 'crime rate is going up' should be 'crime rates are going up').

Task Achievement6.0

The essay addresses the prompt by identifying the main causes of crime as upbringing and environmental influences and suggests solutions such as improving societal conditions and educational programs. The response is relevant and provides examples to support the main points.

Recommendations:

  • Ensure that the conclusion clearly summarizes the main points discussed and reinforces the solutions proposed.
  • Ensure a clear and direct answer to each part of the question in the introduction. Explicitly state the main causes and solutions to crime in the opening paragraph.
  • Provide more specific examples or evidence to support the suggested solutions, such as citing successful programs or policies from specific countries.
GRADED
6.0
Coherence and Cohesion:6.0
Lexical Resource:6.0
Grammatical Range:6.0
Task Achievement:6.0
Band Score:6.0
Coherence and Cohesion6
Logical structure6
Introduction & conclusion present6
Supported main points6
Accurate linking words6
Variety in linking words6
Lexical Resource6
Varied vocabulary6
Accurate spelling & word formation5
Grammatical Range6
Mix of complex & simple sentences6
Clear and correct grammar6
Task Achievement6
Complete response6
Clear & comprehensive ideas6
Relevant & specific examples6
Appropriate word count7
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