BAND 7.5 IELTS ESSAY SAMPLE: EVALUATING EFFECTIVENESS OF PRISON SENTENCES AND EXPLORING ALTERNATIVE CRIME REDUCTION MEASURES

Explore a band 7.5 scored IELTS essay sample discussing the effectiveness and alternatives to prison sentences. Understand how community service and educational support can serve as viable alternatives, including the importance of addressing criminal backgrounds. A comprehensive analysis on the ongoing debate about the role of the prison system.

Writing Task

In many countries, the use of prison sentences as a punishment is seen as an increasingly ineffective method for reducing crime rates. Some people believe that alternative measures should be explored and adopted. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this viewpoint? Discuss alternative measures that could be implemented to reduce crime rates and provide your opinion on their potential effectiveness.

IELTS Writing Sample Essay with Band 6.0 Scoring and Feedback

Prison sentences have been around for thousands of years. From medieval times, the lords and ladies of castles in Europe had built dungeons to lock captured opponents as well as criminals. Now prison has been recognized worldwide as the standard for punishing criminals... but now it is becoming ineffective. Some people believe it is time to look for alternatives, and I partly agree. Despite prison sentences' growing ineffectiveness, it is not out of the question. Some types of crime should not have alternatives, especially those that have a big impact on society. There is the other type of crime as well. The petty type: minor thefts or small counts of vandalism. It should not be overlooked, but prison sentences are not the way for this type of crime. An alternative growing in popularity is community service. Unlike prison sentences, this alternative does not have a lasting impact on one's profile. A humiliation-free punishment. This also has a positive impact on society. And for some convicts, helping people affects them positively! For many people involved in crime, their background plays a major role. There is even a term for it: the Freudian excuse. Why is someone the way they are? Broken families? Abuse? Highschool dropouts? This is the background for many criminals. So this is the problem that should be tackled. I suggest building schools and hosting support groups for criminals, to help them rebuild their lives and their mental health. I do not encourage leaving criminals unsupervised, despite encouraging alternatives for certain groups of convicts. There is no way to accurately predict what someone will do next, so supervision is still crucial. And the same goes for prison sentences.
Words: 279Paragraphs: 6
Submitted: 7/14/2023, 12:16 PM

Coherence And Cohesion6.0

The essay demonstrates a reasonable level of coherence and cohesion, with a clear structure and logical progression of ideas. Paragraphs are generally well-organized, each focusing on a specific aspect of the topic, such as the ineffectiveness of prison sentences, alternative measures like community service, and the importance of addressing the background of criminals. However, there are areas where cohesion could be improved, particularly in the use of linking devices and transitions between ideas.

Recommendations:

  • Consider using referencing pronouns (e.g., 'this,' 'these,' 'such') more effectively to avoid repetition and to create a more cohesive text.
  • Improve the use of linking words and phrases to enhance the flow between sentences and paragraphs. For example, use phrases like 'on the other hand,' 'furthermore,' or 'in addition' to connect ideas more smoothly.
  • Ensure that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence that outlines the main idea, which will help in maintaining focus and coherence throughout the essay.

Lexical Resource6.0

The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with some effective use of less common words and phrases such as 'humiliation-free punishment' and 'Freudian excuse'. However, there is room for improvement in terms of precision and variety in word choice, as well as avoiding repetition and informal language.

Recommendations:

  • Avoid informal language and expressions to maintain an academic tone, such as replacing 'the petty type' with 'minor offenses'.
  • Expand the range of vocabulary by incorporating more sophisticated and varied word choices to convey ideas more precisely and avoid repetition, such as using synonyms for 'prison sentences' and 'crime'.
  • Use more precise and varied connectors to improve the flow of ideas, such as replacing 'there is the other type of crime' with 'another category of crime includes'.

Grammatical Range6.0

The essay demonstrates a basic range of grammatical structures with some complexity. There is a mix of simple and compound sentences, and an attempt at more complex sentence structures. However, there are instances where punctuation and sentence construction could be improved for clarity and accuracy.

Recommendations:

  • Review subject-verb agreement in sentences to avoid errors, especially in more complex structures.
  • Work on sentence variety by incorporating more complex sentences, such as using subordinating conjunctions (e.g., although, because, since) to connect ideas more fluidly.
  • Ensure accurate punctuation, particularly with commas and conjunctions, to enhance sentence clarity and prevent run-on sentences.
  • Practice using a wider range of grammatical structures, such as conditionals and passive voice, to demonstrate greater grammatical flexibility.

Task Achievement6.0

The essay addresses the task prompt by discussing the ineffectiveness of prison sentences and exploring alternative measures like community service and educational support for criminals. It partially agrees with the viewpoint that alternatives should be considered, providing a balanced perspective on when prison sentences are still necessary. The essay includes a range of ideas and examples relevant to the task, though the depth of discussion on each alternative could be enhanced.

Recommendations:

  • Ensure that each paragraph clearly links back to the task prompt by explicitly stating how the discussed point contributes to reducing crime rates or addresses the ineffectiveness of prison sentences.
  • Provide more detailed examples and analysis of how each proposed alternative measure could effectively reduce crime rates, such as specific benefits or outcomes observed in places where these measures have been implemented.
  • Clarify the extent of agreement or disagreement with the viewpoint by explicitly stating your position in the introduction and conclusion to provide a cohesive argument throughout the essay.
GRADED
6.0
Coherence and Cohesion:6.0
Lexical Resource:6.0
Grammatical Range:6.0
Task Achievement:6.0
Band Score:6.0
Coherence and Cohesion6
Logical structure6
Introduction & conclusion present6
Supported main points6
Accurate linking words6
Variety in linking words6
Lexical Resource6
Varied vocabulary6
Accurate spelling & word formation6
Grammatical Range6
Mix of complex & simple sentences6
Clear and correct grammar6
Task Achievement6
Complete response6
Clear & comprehensive ideas6
Relevant & specific examples6
Appropriate word count6
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