BAND 7.5 IELTS ESSAY SAMPLE: DISCUSSING PRIVATE CARS VS PUBLIC TRANSPORT FOR ENVIRONMENTAL HEALTH

Discover a Band 7.5 IELTS essay sample discussing the impacts of private car usage and the benefits of public transportation. Explore arguments on regulation of private vehicles and investment in eco-friendly public transport systems. Ideal for IELTS preparation and environmental studies.

Writing Task

In today's world, people are increasingly using private cars for transportation, causing a considerable impact on the environment and public health. Some individuals argue that the government should take strict measures to limit the number of private vehicles, while others believe that improved public transport systems are a better solution. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion. Provide relevant examples and evidence to support your answer.

IELTS Writing Sample Essay with Band 6.0 Scoring and Feedback

These days, individuals opt to utilize private vehicles for travel and commuting, rather than relying on public transportation. However, there exist divergent views on whether the government should impose restrictions on private car trafficking or instead invest in public transportation. The yearly increase in the number of private cars on the streets has led to a rise in air pollution and congestion in cities. As a result, a significant proportion of people face difficulty in arriving at their workplaces or appointments on time. For instance, an employee who wishes to reach their office must arrive earlier than necessary, on occasion. Additionally, the high volume of car traffic poses a threat to the lives of humans and other creatures, causing severe environmental damage. It is worth noting that restricting private cars may not be feasible in low-density countries such as the United States, given their dispersed population is bring some difficulties for citizens though. On the other hand, investing in public transportation can contribute to reducing social disparities among citizens. Additionally, it can aid individuals in living in healthier climates and breathing in more promising aspirations, particularly when the government implements eco-friendly transportation systems that utilize wind or electricity to transport people. However, this could result in more pedestrians on the streets and crowds at certain bus or metro stations, necessitating improved and precise time management. In conclusion, I posit that transitioning to public transportation is a positive step, and as such, the government should allocate more resources towards this initiative.
Words: 250Paragraphs: 4
Submitted: 7/27/2023, 09:01 AM

Coherence And Cohesion6.0

The essay generally follows a logical structure with a clear introduction, body, and conclusion. However, there are some issues with paragraph organization and transitions between ideas that affect the overall coherence and cohesion.

Recommendations:

  • Review sentence structures to ensure clarity in conveying relationships between ideas, such as cause and effect or contrast. This will enhance the flow and readability of the essay.
  • Ensure each paragraph has a clear central idea and that all sentences within the paragraph support this idea. For example, the first paragraph could be better focused on the problems caused by private cars, while the second could focus entirely on the benefits of public transportation.
  • Use more varied linking words and phrases to connect ideas within and between paragraphs. For instance, phrases like 'on the contrary,' 'furthermore,' or 'in addition' could help in transitioning between opposing views or adding new information.
  • Clarify the relationship between ideas in the second paragraph. The transition from discussing social disparities to environmental benefits is abrupt. Consider using linking sentences or phrases to better connect these ideas.

Lexical Resource6.0

The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with some attempts to use less common lexical items (e.g., "divergent views," "eco-friendly transportation systems"). However, there are several instances of awkward phrasing and word choice that slightly hinder clarity (e.g., "private car trafficking," "breathing in more promising aspirations"). The writer's ability to use synonyms and paraphrase effectively is somewhat limited, leading to repetition of certain phrases (e.g., "private vehicles," "public transportation").

Recommendations:

  • Review and revise awkward phrases to improve clarity and coherence, ensuring word choices are contextually appropriate.
  • Expand vocabulary range by learning and incorporating more synonyms and varied expressions for common terms like 'private vehicles' and 'public transportation'.
  • Practice using collocations and idiomatic expressions more naturally to enhance the sophistication of the language.

Grammatical Range6.0

The essay demonstrates a good command of grammatical structures with a variety of sentence types, including complex sentences and relative clauses. However, there are occasional errors in sentence construction and word choice that slightly affect clarity.

Recommendations:

  • Use more varied sentence structures to enhance the grammatical range. Consider incorporating more conditional sentences or passive constructions where appropriate.
  • Pay attention to the use of articles and prepositions to ensure they fit the context correctly, such as 'in low-density countries' instead of 'in the low-density countries.'
  • Ensure subject-verb agreement, especially in complex sentences. For example, 'their dispersed population is bring some difficulties' should be corrected to 'their dispersed population brings some difficulties.'
  • Improve sentence clarity by avoiding awkward phrasing. For instance, 'breathing in more promising aspirations' could be rephrased to something clearer like 'breathing cleaner air.'

Task Achievement6.0

The essay addresses the task prompt by discussing both views on limiting private cars and improving public transport. It provides examples and a clear opinion, although the stance could be more explicitly linked to the arguments presented.

Recommendations:

  • Provide more specific examples or evidence to support the arguments, enhancing the task achievement.
  • Ensure that both views are discussed with equal depth and clarity to fully meet the task requirements.
  • Clearly link the conclusion to the arguments presented in the essay to strengthen the position.
  • Clarify the opinion throughout the essay to ensure it is consistently represented and supported by the arguments.
GRADED
6.0
Coherence and Cohesion:6.0
Lexical Resource:6.0
Grammatical Range:6.0
Task Achievement:6.0
Band Score:6.0
Coherence and Cohesion6
Logical structure6
Introduction & conclusion present6
Supported main points6
Accurate linking words6
Variety in linking words6

Lexical Resource6
Varied vocabulary6
Accurate spelling & word formation6

Grammatical Range6
Mix of complex & simple sentences6
Clear and correct grammar6

Task Achievement6
Complete response6
Clear & comprehensive ideas6
Relevant & specific examples6
Appropriate word count6