BAND 7.5 IELTS ESSAY SAMPLE: CAUSES AND SOLUTIONS FOR YOUTH UNEMPLOYMENT ISSUES

Explore our Band 7.5 IELTS essay sample which discusses the challenges university graduates face in finding suitable jobs. Dive into the reasons behind the unemployment issue and the potential solutions involving government, universities, and industries. Ideal for IELTS aspirants seeking high-quality sample essays for study and understanding.

Writing Task

In many countries, young people are finding it difficult to secure stable employment after completing their education. What do you think are the main causes of this issue, and what measures can be taken to address the problem? Provide relevant examples from your own experience or knowledge to support your answer.

IELTS Writing Sample Essay with Band 6.0 Scoring and Feedback

These days, finding a decent job has become a far-fetched goal for university graduates. Not being to find an appropriate job even after getting a university degree, could be because of the ineffective academic training and the unstable job market. However, several measures can be taken to address the unemployment problem. university graduates have faced many difficulties finding a suitable job because of several reasons. The main problem is the lack of collaboration between universities and industry. Universities often fail to prepare students for the job market. All they do is to teach students a bunch of theoretical lessons which will be forgotten just a few years after graduation and there is no connection between what they study and what they are expected to do in practice. The other reason behind unemployment is the economic recession. Many companies have been facing with economic crisis. They have been struggling to to survive in this stiff market and many have gone bankrupt in the past decade, which means many job opportunities have faded away. To tackle the unemployment problem, both governments and universities have to work hand in hand. Universities must make the necessary changes in their educational curriculum to ensure effective collaboration with industries. In countries where there is strong relationships between universities and industries, such as Germany unemployment rate is considerably lower and the economy works better as a result. Another solution could be for the governments to support small businesses. If governments finance small companies by giving them loans, they might stay in business and expand it in the future, which means they can provide more job opportunities for the youth. Getting an appropriate job has become a big challenge for many youngsters, because of two main reasons, not having the needed qualifications and the unstable economic situations. However, if governments and universities cooperate this problem could be solved in the long run.
Words: 314Paragraphs: 1
Submitted: 7/23/2023, 10:51 AM

Coherence And Cohesion6.0

The essay demonstrates a basic structure with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. However, there are issues with logical flow and paragraphing that affect coherence and cohesion.

Recommendations:

  • Improve the use of reference words like 'this', 'these', 'such as', to connect sentences and maintain cohesion.
  • Ensure clear paragraphing by starting a new paragraph for each distinct idea. For instance, the introduction and the first body paragraph should be separated to enhance clarity.
  • Use more linking words and phrases to improve the flow between sentences and paragraphs, such as 'Moreover', 'Furthermore', or 'In addition' for adding information, and 'On the other hand' or 'However' for contrast.
  • Avoid repetition of ideas by ensuring that each paragraph has a distinct focus. For example, the causes and solutions should be clearly separated and not overlap within the same paragraph.
  • Include more examples to support points made, which can help in maintaining a logical progression of ideas and strengthen the argument.

Lexical Resource6.0

The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary with some attempts at using less common words and phrases. However, there are instances of repetition and a few awkward collocations that affect the precision and appropriateness of the language.

Recommendations:

  • Be cautious with collocations and ensure they are used correctly. For example, 'facing with economic crisis' should be 'facing an economic crisis.'
  • Avoid repetition by using synonyms or paraphrasing. For example, instead of repeatedly using 'unemployment problem,' consider alternatives like 'employment challenges' or 'job scarcity.'
  • Incorporate more varied and precise vocabulary to enhance expression. For instance, instead of 'a bunch of theoretical lessons,' consider 'an array of theoretical concepts.'
  • Use more linking words and phrases to enhance cohesion and clarity, such as 'consequently,' 'furthermore,' or 'in addition.'

Grammatical Range6.0

The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of grammatical structures, including complex sentences and correct use of conditionals and passive voice. However, there are noticeable errors that affect clarity and coherence.

Recommendations:

  • Use commas correctly in sentences such as 'In countries where there is strong relationships between universities and industries, such as Germany unemployment rate is considerably lower' should be 'In countries where there are strong relationships between universities and industries, such as Germany, the unemployment rate is considerably lower.'
  • Ensure subject-verb agreement in sentences like 'university graduates have faced' where 'University graduates have faced' would be more appropriate with capitalization.
  • Avoid repetition, such as 'struggling to to survive,' which should be 'struggling to survive.'
  • Pay attention to article usage, for example, 'the economic recession' instead of 'economic recession.'
  • Improve sentence structure by correcting 'Many companies have been facing with economic crisis' to 'Many companies have been facing an economic crisis.'
  • Correct the missing verb in 'Not being to find an appropriate job' to 'Not being able to find an appropriate job.'

Task Achievement6.0

The essay addresses the prompt by identifying the main causes of youth unemployment and proposing measures to address these issues. It clearly outlines two main causes: ineffective academic training and economic recession, and suggests solutions involving collaboration between universities and industries, and government support for small businesses. The response is relevant to the task and provides examples to support the arguments.

Recommendations:

  • Ensure the essay directly answers all parts of the prompt. While the essay identifies causes and solutions, it could benefit from a more direct link between these elements and the prompt, ensuring each part is thoroughly addressed.
  • Clarify and expand on the causes and solutions. The essay could benefit from more depth in the analysis of each cause and solution, explaining how they specifically affect young people's employment prospects.
  • Provide more specific examples to support the points made. For instance, the mention of Germany could be expanded with more detailed evidence or statistics to strengthen the argument.
GRADED
6.0
Coherence and Cohesion:6.0
Lexical Resource:6.0
Grammatical Range:6.0
Task Achievement:6.0
Band Score:6.0
Coherence and Cohesion6
Logical structure6
Introduction & conclusion present6
Supported main points6
Accurate linking words6
Variety in linking words6

Lexical Resource6
Varied vocabulary6
Accurate spelling & word formation6

Grammatical Range6
Mix of complex & simple sentences6
Clear and correct grammar6

Task Achievement6
Complete response6
Clear & comprehensive ideas6
Relevant & specific examples6
Appropriate word count6