BAND 7.5 IELTS ESSAY SAMPLE: BALANCING TECHNOLOGICAL INVESTMENTS AND SOCIAL ISSUES FOR COUNTRY'S DEVELOPMENT

Explore a Band 7.5 IELTS essay sample that discusses the impact of technology advances and social issue management on the progression of society. Dive into examples from the medical and engineering industries and understand the importance of balanced government investment.

Writing Task

Many people believe that investing in technologies and scientific research is a priority for a country's development, while others argue that it is more important to focus on addressing social issues such as poverty and unemployment. Discuss both views and give your own opinion. Provide examples from your own experience or knowledge to support your viewpoint.

IELTS Writing Sample Essay with Band 6.0 Scoring and Feedback

A progressing society can be dependent on its levels of technology advances, while there are opposite beliefs that to tackle social affairs is more crucial. In my opinion, it is best for national leaders to target their investments in both fields for the general benefit of their citizens. First and foremost, investing in advanced technology and inventing new machineries elevates the efficiency of the workforce, such as medical or engineering industries. It is hard to deny that the supports of artificial intelligence in hospitals are bringing positive results in the treatment and recovery of patients. For instance, many medical centers from developed countries have been adopting robot surgeons instead of human. As a result, reports show less mistakes and errors have occured when performing surgery tasks on human bodies. Moreover, robot nurses in Japan and Korea help accompanying patients and entertain them during their recovery. In engineering, new technologies in creating holograms and virtual softwares give engineers and architects many opportunities to run various simulations on computers before making real buildings, this results in much more refined and safer public amenities. However, addressing social issues is also of equal importance to governments to concern. There are many detrimental effects that come from overpopulation in urban areas and the pollution that follows. City dwellers are suffering from overcrowding, which directly causes traffic ingestion in cities. Looking deeper into the situation, it can harm the economy of the country by decreasing the sufficiency in the workflow of employees. To improve this, more regulations should be published in distributing industrial areas in the outskirts of the cities. Another potential thread comes from air pollution. Many people and children have been suffering from respiratory disorders from a toxic atmostphere caused by vehicles on the streets. This can cause severely damage to the public's health in a long time period. In conclusion, whether the governments should focus on investing in technologies and scientific research or solving social problems is debatable to some people. Despite this, I strongly believe they should equally take care of every aspect of society in order to maintain a healthy and longing society.
Words: 352Paragraphs: 4
Submitted: 7/15/2023, 12:43 PM

Coherence And Cohesion6.0

The essay demonstrates a clear understanding of coherence and cohesion by organizing ideas logically and using a range of cohesive devices. It starts with an introduction that outlines the two perspectives and states the writer's opinion. Each paragraph is focused on a specific aspect of the discussion, with appropriate linking words and phrases used to connect ideas within and between paragraphs. However, there are some areas where transitions could be smoother, and the use of cohesive devices could be more varied to enhance the flow of information.

Recommendations:

  • Improve transitions between ideas within paragraphs by using cohesive devices that clearly indicate the relationship between sentences, such as 'this means that' or 'as a result.'
  • Use more varied linking words and phrases to connect sentences and paragraphs, such as 'furthermore,' 'in addition,' or 'consequently,' to enhance the flow and avoid repetition.
  • Ensure that all parts of the essay are equally developed. The paragraph on social issues could be expanded with more examples or explanations to balance the discussion.

Lexical Resource6.0

The essay demonstrates a good range of vocabulary with some advanced terms and phrases, but there are occasional inaccuracies and awkward usage.

Recommendations:

  • Use collocations and idiomatic expressions to enhance naturalness, like 'cutting-edge technology' instead of 'advanced technology.'
  • Avoid repetition by using synonyms or rephrasing; for instance, 'investing in technology' could be varied with 'funding technological advancements.'
  • Expand your vocabulary to include more precise and varied terms, especially when discussing complex ideas. For example, instead of 'robot surgeons,' you could use 'robotic surgical systems.'
  • Pay attention to word choice to avoid inaccuracies or awkward phrases, such as 'ingestion' instead of 'congestion.'

Grammatical Range6.0

The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of grammatical structures, including complex sentences and passive voice. However, there are several grammatical errors that affect clarity and accuracy.

Recommendations:

  • Ensure subject-verb agreement throughout the essay, such as 'the supports of artificial intelligence' should be 'the support of artificial intelligence.'
  • Correct the misuse of articles, as in 'inventing new machineries' should be 'inventing new machinery.'
  • Pay attention to verb forms and tense consistency, for instance, 'have occured' should be 'have occurred.'
  • Use prepositions correctly, such as 'help accompanying patients' should be 'help accompany patients.'
  • Correct pluralization errors, like 'many opportunities to run various simulations on computers before making real buildings, this results' should be 'many opportunities to run various simulations on computers before making real buildings; this results.'
  • Improve the use of conjunctions and transitional phrases to enhance sentence coherence, e.g., 'Another potential thread comes from air pollution.' should be 'Another potential threat comes from air pollution.'

Task Achievement6.0

The essay addresses the task prompt by discussing both views on whether investing in technology and scientific research or addressing social issues is more important for a country's development. The writer provides examples and gives their opinion on the matter, suggesting that a balanced investment in both areas is ideal.

Recommendations:

  • Include more varied examples from different contexts or countries to strengthen the argument and demonstrate a broader understanding of the topic.
  • Ensure that each viewpoint is thoroughly developed with specific examples and explanations. For instance, while the essay mentions the use of robots in surgery, it could further elaborate on how this specifically impacts national development.
  • Provide a clearer and more explicit opinion in the introduction and conclusion. The opinion is somewhat implied, but a more direct statement would enhance clarity.
  • Address potential counterarguments to the proposed opinion to show a balanced consideration of the topic.
GRADED
6.0
Coherence and Cohesion:6.0
Lexical Resource:6.0
Grammatical Range:6.0
Task Achievement:6.0
Band Score:6.0
Coherence and Cohesion6
Logical structure6
Introduction & conclusion present6
Supported main points6
Accurate linking words6
Variety in linking words6

Lexical Resource6
Varied vocabulary6
Accurate spelling & word formation6

Grammatical Range6
Mix of complex & simple sentences6
Clear and correct grammar6

Task Achievement6
Complete response6
Clear & comprehensive ideas6
Relevant & specific examples6
Appropriate word count6