BAND 7.0 IELTS ESSAY SAMPLE: TECHNOLOGY ADVANCEMENTS - CONVENIENCE VS SOCIAL ISOLATION

Explore our comprehensive Band 7.0 IELTS essay sample. This analysis discusses the impact of technology on society, its influence on communication, relationships, and education. Find out how technology benefits outweigh its drawbacks and its role in shaping modern society's dynamics.

Writing Task

Some people believe that technological advancements have made our lives more convenient, while others argue that these developments have led to disconnection and isolation in society. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

IELTS Writing Sample Essay with Band 6.0 Scoring and Feedback

Some people hold an idea that in recent years, technology has enhanced the quality of people’s lives in every fields such as communication. Others argue that poor relationship between people in a society is a consequence of development in technology. I believe that although it might have a negative influence on the bond between people, its benefits over weights its drawbacks. On the one hand, in cyber era, people have a tendency to spend their time on the internet rather than hanging out with each other face to face. In other words, they prefer to text each other and post a comment on social media platforms. For instance, it is claimed that most people waiting for their orders in restaurants use their smart phone for surfing in the net instead of communicating with their companies. Therefore, it might have a negative impact on the social bonds. That is to say, advancements in technology probably lead to secluded community. On the other hand, technology has numerous advantages which makes the life more convenient. One of its benefits is in related to communication. It is probably true to say that technology promotes the methods of correlation. For example, in todays’ world, people are able to communicate with their friends and family members living abroad via video calls easily, while in the past they had to send mails or make calls which was probably expensive. Moreover, technology make education more convenient. Nowadays, there are countless websites providing an opportunity to learn every subject. For instance, youtube.com is one of them including many educational videos such as teaching a new language. In conclusion, although development in technology may cause secluded society and deteriorate the bond between people, I strongly believe that its benefits cannot be unconsidered. Technology provide convenient in numerous aspects such as communication and education.
Words: 303Paragraphs: 4
Submitted: 7/24/2023, 02:09 PM

Coherence And Cohesion6.0

The essay presents a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs discussing both views, and a conclusion. However, there are some issues with logical progression and use of cohesive devices that affect the overall coherence and cohesion of the text.

Recommendations:

  • Use referencing words like 'these', 'such', and 'this' to avoid repetition and maintain cohesion.
  • Improve the logical flow of ideas by using more varied linking words and phrases to connect sentences and paragraphs. This will help guide the reader through the argument more effectively.
  • Ensure that each paragraph clearly relates to the main topic and contributes to the overall argument. For instance, the second paragraph could better connect the negative impact of technology on social bonds to the main argument.
  • Clarify the relationship between ideas, especially when transitioning between opposing views, to strengthen the coherence of the argument.

Lexical Resource6.0

The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary with some attempts to use less common lexical items. However, there are instances of awkward phrasing and incorrect word forms that detract from clarity and precision.

Recommendations:

  • Work on expanding vocabulary related to technology and social issues, ensuring precise word choice and usage.
  • Pay attention to collocations and idiomatic expressions; for example, use 'weighs' instead of 'over weights' and 'provides convenience' instead of 'provide convenient.'
  • Use more precise terms in context, such as 'social isolation' instead of 'secluded community,' to improve accuracy.
  • Avoid repetition of phrases like 'negative influence' and 'convenient,' and explore synonyms or paraphrasing to enhance lexical variety.

Grammatical Range6.0

The essay demonstrates a moderate range of grammatical structures, including both simple and complex sentences. However, there are several grammatical errors that impact the clarity and accuracy of the writing. These include subject-verb agreement issues, incorrect use of articles, and incorrect verb forms.

Recommendations:

  • Vary sentence structures further by incorporating more complex sentence forms and using a wider range of conjunctions to enhance grammatical range.
  • Pay attention to the use of articles, ensuring correct usage of 'a,' 'an,' and 'the' (e.g., 'in every fields' should be 'in every field').
  • Use correct verb forms, particularly in past and present perfect tenses (e.g., 'its benefits over weights its drawbacks' should be 'its benefits outweigh its drawbacks').
  • Review and practice subject-verb agreement rules, especially in complex sentences (e.g., 'technology make education' should be 'technology makes education').

Task Achievement6.0

The essay addresses the task prompt by discussing both views regarding technological advancements and their impact on society. It provides a clear opinion, stating that despite potential negative effects on social bonds, the benefits of technology outweigh the drawbacks. The essay presents relevant examples to illustrate both perspectives.

Recommendations:

  • Ensure that all parts of the task prompt are addressed equally. Consider providing more examples of how technology can lead to isolation to strengthen the argument.
  • Ensure that both views are given balanced coverage. The argument about technology's negative impact on social bonds could be further developed with more examples or evidence.
  • Clarify and expand on your opinion in the conclusion to reinforce your stance. This will help to clearly demonstrate your position and how you weigh the benefits against the drawbacks.
GRADED
6.0
Coherence and Cohesion:6.0
Lexical Resource:6.0
Grammatical Range:6.0
Task Achievement:6.0
Band Score:6.0
Coherence and Cohesion6
Logical structure6
Introduction & conclusion present6
Supported main points6
Accurate linking words6
Variety in linking words6

Lexical Resource6
Varied vocabulary6
Accurate spelling & word formation6

Grammatical Range6
Mix of complex & simple sentences6
Clear and correct grammar6

Task Achievement6
Complete response6
Clear & comprehensive ideas6
Relevant & specific examples6
Appropriate word count6