BAND 6.5 IELTS ESSAY SAMPLE: URBAN MIGRATION'S IMPACT ON RURAL COMMUNITIES AND ENVIRONMENT

Explore the impact of migration to urbanized areas through our IELTS essay sample with a band score of 6.5. Dive into the social and environmental concerns provoked by urban sprawl, and learn about potential solutions to moderate urbanization. Discover the pivotal role of government in creating opportunities in rural areas to ensure a balanced standard of living.

Writing Task

In many countries, people are moving away from rural areas and towards urban areas for better employment and educational opportunities. This trend has negative effects on rural communities and the environment. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement? Provide reasons for your answer, and include relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

IELTS Writing Sample Essay with Band 6.0 Scoring and Feedback

In the present climate, migration to modernized areas for better standard of living has provoked controversary among the individuals. There is a widely held view among the people that this perusing this role model has devastating impact in terms of social and environmental complications. I find myself among those who are proponent from this idea. There is no little room for doubt that urban sprawling has become the growing concerns in vast dimension. Urbanization, from one hand, has this potential to exacerbate the environmental degradation much more than in the bygone, since the more people leave their own homestead, the more erection such as constructing new roads, establishing the educational ,medical and other important sites should be conducted by city planners in order to accommodate the new residents needs. As a result, extensive construction will conducive to dire repercussions such as soil spoilage, noise and air pollution, scarcity of natural resources, to name but a few. Beside, on the grounds of extensive moving, social cohesion could be jeopardized in rural areas as well since the family members scattered to other places. As opposed to what outlined above, encouraging people to stay in their own birthland notably in countryside or small counties requires vital actions. For instance, government could capitalize in creating more job opportunities in rural areas in order to guarantee the reliable form of living for people and generate a peaceful frame of mind for them. what is more, by establishing resort facilities in the suburbs, the indigenous people have no worries for accessing to various facility such as schools for their kids. As a result, needless to go anywhere far-off their local region. in conclusion, immigrating to advanced megacities from rural has negative effect on both environmental and social concerns. As a result, governmental decision-makers should adopt critical measures in providing the good life for rural people in order to moderate the urbanization.
Words: 315Paragraphs: 5
Submitted: 7/17/2023, 03:05 PM

Coherence And Cohesion6.0

The essay presents a clear stance on the issue and attempts to structure arguments logically. However, the coherence is occasionally disrupted due to awkward phrasing and unclear connections between ideas. The use of cohesive devices is present but inconsistent, with some transitions and linking words being used incorrectly or awkwardly.

Recommendations:

  • Vary sentence structures to improve the flow of information and maintain reader interest. Avoid overuse of complex sentences that may obscure the main point.
  • Improve the use of cohesive devices to ensure logical flow between sentences and paragraphs. For example, use phrases like 'Furthermore', 'In addition', and 'Consequently' to enhance the clarity of argument progression.
  • Ensure consistency in paragraph structure. Each paragraph should begin with a clear topic sentence that outlines the main idea, followed by supporting details and examples.
  • Clarify connections between ideas and ensure each paragraph has a clear central idea. For instance, the second paragraph could be more cohesive by explicitly linking urbanization's environmental impacts to the social effects mentioned.

Lexical Resource6.0

The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary with some instances of precise language use but is hindered by frequent errors in word choice and collocation, which affect clarity and precision.

Recommendations:

  • Work on expanding your vocabulary to include more precise and varied lexical items, particularly related to the topic of urbanization and rural development.
  • Avoid repetition of phrases such as 'as a result' by using synonyms or varying sentence structures.
  • Incorporate more sophisticated expressions and idiomatic language to convey ideas more effectively and naturally.
  • Focus on using collocations correctly. For example, 'provoked controversary' should be 'provoked controversy' and 'perusing this role model' should be 'pursuing this trend.'
  • Ensure correct word forms are used, such as 'conducive' should be 'lead to' or 'result in' when describing effects.

Grammatical Range6.0

The essay demonstrates a range of grammatical structures, including complex sentences, but there are several grammatical inaccuracies that affect clarity and coherence. These include incorrect verb forms, prepositions, and article usage, as well as sentence fragments and awkward phrasing.

Recommendations:

  • Improve article usage, ensuring correct application of 'a,' 'an,' and 'the.' For example, 'the environmental degradation' should be 'environmental degradation' and 'the indigenous people' should be 'indigenous people.'
  • Work on preposition usage to ensure they fit the context, such as changing 'in terms of' to 'with respect to' or 'regarding.'
  • Enhance sentence variety by balancing complex and simple sentences for better readability and flow. For example, break down overly lengthy sentences into shorter, clearer ones.
  • Review and correct verb forms to ensure tense consistency and proper subject-verb agreement, e.g., 'provoked controversary' should be 'provoked controversy' and 'perusing this role model' should be 'pursuing this trend.'
  • Avoid sentence fragments and ensure each sentence is complete and clear. For instance, 'Beside, on the grounds of extensive moving, social cohesion could be jeopardized in rural areas as well since the family members scattered to other places.' could be revised for clarity and completeness.

Task Achievement6.0

The essay addresses the task prompt by discussing the negative effects of migration from rural to urban areas on rural communities and the environment. The writer agrees with the statement and provides arguments and examples to support their position.

Recommendations:

  • Ensure that the essay maintains a clear and logical progression of ideas, leading to a concise conclusion that reinforces the main argument.
  • Ensure that the essay consistently addresses all parts of the task. In this case, while the negative effects are discussed, consider elaborating on how these effects specifically impact both rural communities and the environment in more detail.
  • Provide more specific examples to support your arguments. For instance, mention specific environmental issues or social changes that have occurred as a result of urban migration.
  • Clarify the position throughout the essay. While the introduction and conclusion state agreement with the prompt, make sure each paragraph clearly ties back to this stance.
GRADED
6.0
Coherence and Cohesion:6.0
Lexical Resource:6.0
Grammatical Range:6.0
Task Achievement:6.0
Band Score:6.0
Coherence and Cohesion6
Logical structure6
Introduction & conclusion present6
Supported main points6
Accurate linking words6
Variety in linking words6
Lexical Resource6
Varied vocabulary6
Accurate spelling & word formation6
Grammatical Range6
Mix of complex & simple sentences6
Clear and correct grammar6
Task Achievement6
Complete response6
Clear & comprehensive ideas6
Relevant & specific examples6
Appropriate word count6
Grade Your Essay