BAND 6.5 IELTS ESSAY SAMPLE: TECHNOLOGICAL ADVANCEMENTS IMPACT ON THE PRESERVATION OR EROSION OF CULTURAL TRADITIONS

Explore this band 6.5 score IELTS essay sample discussing the impact of technological advancements on preserving culture and traditions. Understand varied opinions on the role of tech devices in forgetting or maintaining historical values. Dive into the interplay of culture, traditions and technology now.

Writing Task

Some people argue that technological advancements have led to the loss of traditional values and cultural practices, while others believe that technology has helped preserve cultures and traditions. Discuss both views and give your own opinion. Please support your response with specific examples and relevant reasons.

IELTS Writing Sample Essay with Band 6.0 Scoring and Feedback

Varied opinions have been put on the table when it comes to the impact of technology-driven devices on the culture. Although some argued that hi-tech advancements cause to people forget everything about their history and culture, other individuals believe that technology advancements would have merits to preserve their cultures and traditions. I will discuss this more in detail in paragraphs to come and explain whether I agree or disagree at the end. To begin with, no one can deny the fact that traditional values and cultural practices are integral parts of people's lives. individuals can show themselves by exploring in their backgrounds. A country could rely on its traditions. If a society does not have a reliable values, it would not have a good country for living. Technology advancements, say, Internet, smartphone and so on, just only show traditional events or cultural practices only by some images or short-videos, which cannot preserve cultures in the best way. An alternative position argues that thanks to the technology, people can see some promotions to gain knowledge about their historical culture too, which can absorb people to have a better idea about their background cultures. For instance, they are being conditioned to search on the Internet in advance. After getting familiar with that place, they will go to the museum or another places to show them virtually. After looking at both different views, although some people prefer to remove the technological advancements due to lose their traditional values, others prefer stay in use technology-driven devices to save their values. Thus, heightened benefits of technology that focus on showing traditions and values can clearly be seen.
Words: 272Paragraphs: 1
Submitted: 7/22/2023, 08:50 AM

Coherence And Cohesion6.0

The essay attempts to address both sides of the argument regarding the impact of technology on traditional values and cultural practices. However, coherence and cohesion are hindered by unclear structure, inconsistent use of linking words, and abrupt transitions between ideas.

Recommendations:

  • Conclude the essay with a clear summary of the main points discussed and state your opinion more explicitly.
  • Use clear topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph to guide the reader through the argument.
  • Improve the logical flow between sentences and paragraphs by using appropriate linking words and phrases.
  • Ensure that each paragraph focuses on a single main idea and that supporting details are directly related to that idea.
  • Clarify the thesis statement to better reflect the structure of the essay and what will be discussed in each paragraph.

Lexical Resource6.0

The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary with some attempts to use less common lexical items. However, there are several instances of inappropriate word choice, collocations, and word forms that affect clarity and precision.

Recommendations:

  • Include more specific and varied examples to demonstrate a wider range of vocabulary.
  • Expand vocabulary range by learning and practicing less common lexical items related to cultural and technological topics.
  • Use more precise collocations and phrases. For example, instead of 'show themselves by exploring in their backgrounds,' consider 'express their identity through exploring their heritage.'
  • Pay attention to word forms and ensure correct usage. For example, 'a reliable values' should be 'reliable values' without the article 'a.'
  • Improve word choice accuracy. For example, replace 'cause to people forget' with 'cause people to forget'.

Grammatical Range6.0

The essay demonstrates a basic use of grammatical structures with some complexity, but it also contains several errors that affect clarity and coherence. There is an attempt to use a range of sentence types, including complex and compound sentences, but inaccuracies in verb forms, agreement, and sentence structure are present.

Recommendations:

  • Vary sentence structures more to include relative clauses and passive voice where appropriate to demonstrate a wider range of grammatical structures.
  • Improve verb tense consistency, for instance, 'individuals can show themselves by exploring' should be 'individuals show themselves by exploring.'
  • Use correct prepositions and articles, e.g., 'in paragraphs to come' should be 'in the paragraphs to come.'
  • Avoid sentence fragments, such as 'If a society does not have a reliable values, it would not have a good country for living.' Ensure each sentence is complete and clear.
  • Ensure subject-verb agreement, such as 'some argued' should be 'some argue' and 'cause to people forget' should be 'cause people to forget.'

Task Achievement6.0

The essay attempts to address both views regarding the impact of technological advancements on traditional values and cultural practices, and provides a personal opinion. However, the task response is somewhat limited in depth and development of ideas.

Recommendations:

  • Ensure that the introduction clearly outlines the main points that will be discussed in the essay.
  • Provide a clear and specific opinion that is directly linked to the arguments presented in the body paragraphs.
  • Avoid vague statements and instead use concrete examples to support each argument more effectively.
  • Ensure both views are equally and thoroughly discussed with clear examples and reasoning to demonstrate a balanced understanding of the topic.
GRADED
6.0
Coherence and Cohesion:6.0
Lexical Resource:6.0
Grammatical Range:6.0
Task Achievement:6.0
Band Score:6.0
Coherence and Cohesion6
Logical structure6
Introduction & conclusion present6
Supported main points6
Accurate linking words6
Variety in linking words6

Lexical Resource6
Varied vocabulary6
Accurate spelling & word formation6

Grammatical Range6
Mix of complex & simple sentences6
Clear and correct grammar6

Task Achievement6
Complete response6
Clear & comprehensive ideas6
Relevant & specific examples6
Appropriate word count6