BAND 6.5 IELTS ESSAY SAMPLE: RETIREMENT AGE INCREASE IMPACT ON WORKFORCE AND LIFE EXPECTANCY TRENDS

Explore a balanced analysis of the trend in increasing retirement age and its implications on society. This Band 6.5 IELTS essay sample discusses the potential benefits, like a larger workforce and a stronger economy, as well as challenges, including job availability for youngsters and the productivity of older workers. Dive into the nuances of this ongoing debate here.

Writing Task

In many countries, the age of retirement is being increased gradually as life expectancy rises. Some people argue that this has negative effects on the workforce, while others think it is beneficial. Discuss both views and provide your own opinion.

IELTS Writing Sample Essay with Band 6.0 Scoring and Feedback

It has become a trend in recent years that some individuals believe that increasing the retirement age has disadvantages and others argue that it is not a bad trend. I believe that increasing the retirement age has both negative and positive influnce and I agree both views. Increasing the retirement age has some benefits. One of them is that by increasing the retirement age, we have more workforce in society and this will help the manufacturing system to work more efficiently because we have more people to work in industries and companies and this is going to help the economy develop. on the other hand, there is a high rate of inflation in almost every country in the world after COVID-19 and people need to work harder to make money. So increasing the retirement age will help the aged people to have a good amount of income. Also, this trend has some disadvantages too. If we still have old people in the workforce, youngsters can not enter the working system because there is a limit in job positions in every economy so the young people who want to follow their career after school or college, need to try harder and harder to find their suitable job. Another reason that some people disagree with high retirement age, is that when you get older and older, you can not work well enough like when you were young. This may cause an influent working environment and stop the system to meet its economical goals. In conclusion, I believe that increasing the retirement age has both positive and negative influences and I agree both views.
Words: 271Paragraphs: 5
Submitted: 7/20/2023, 04:05 PM

Coherence And Cohesion5.5

The essay demonstrates an understanding of coherence and cohesion by logically organizing ideas into paragraphs and using linking words to connect sentences. However, there are inconsistencies in paragraph development and some transitions between ideas are abrupt, which affects the overall flow.

Recommendations:

  • Avoid repetition of phrases like 'I agree both views' and aim for a more nuanced conclusion that synthesizes the discussed points.
  • Ensure that each paragraph has a clear central idea and develop it fully before moving to the next point to improve paragraph coherence.
  • Use a variety of cohesive devices and linking words to smoothly transition between ideas and paragraphs, ensuring logical progression.

Lexical Resource6.0

The essay demonstrates a basic range of vocabulary with some attempts to use less common lexical items. However, there are several instances of inappropriate word choices and repetitive language, which limit the essay's effectiveness in expressing nuanced ideas.

Recommendations:

  • Incorporate more topic-specific vocabulary related to economics and employment to enhance the essay's relevance and depth.
  • Expand your vocabulary to include more precise and varied language. For example, instead of 'bad trend,' consider using 'detrimental development.'
  • Be cautious with word forms and ensure correct usage, such as 'influence' instead of 'influnce' and 'influent' should be replaced with 'inefficient' or 'unproductive.'
  • Avoid repetition by using synonyms or rephrasing. For instance, instead of repeating 'increasing the retirement age,' you could use 'extending the working years' or 'delaying retirement.'

Grammatical Range5.5

The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of grammatical structures, including simple and compound sentences. However, there are several grammatical errors that affect clarity and accuracy.

Recommendations:

  • Ensure subject-verb agreement is maintained throughout the essay. For example, 'influnce' should be 'influence', and 'influent' should be 'influential'.
  • Improve sentence variety by incorporating more complex sentences to enhance the grammatical range. For instance, use relative clauses or conditional sentences to express ideas more precisely.
  • Pay attention to punctuation, such as capitalizing the first word of each sentence and after full stops. For example, 'on the other hand' should start with a capital 'O'.
  • Check for consistency in verb tenses to ensure they match the context of the discussion, such as using the past tense when referring to past events.
  • Avoid run-on sentences by breaking them into shorter, more manageable sentences to improve readability. For example, the sentence 'One of them is that by increasing the retirement age, we have more workforce in society...' could be split for clarity.

Task Achievement6.0

The essay addresses the task prompt by discussing both views on increasing the retirement age and providing a personal opinion. However, the response lacks depth in exploring each viewpoint and the personal opinion is not clearly articulated or distinct from the discussion of the views.

Recommendations:

  • Develop each viewpoint with more detail and examples to demonstrate a comprehensive understanding of the topic.
  • Ensure that the conclusion synthesizes the discussion and reinforces your personal opinion in a clear and concise manner.
  • Clearly state your own opinion separately from the discussion of both views, providing reasons and evidence to support it.
GRADED
6.0
Coherence and Cohesion:5.5
Lexical Resource:6.0
Grammatical Range:5.5
Task Achievement:6.0
Band Score:6.0
Coherence and Cohesion5.5
Logical structure5
Introduction & conclusion present6
Supported main points5
Accurate linking words5
Variety in linking words6
Lexical Resource6
Varied vocabulary6
Accurate spelling & word formation6
Grammatical Range5.5
Mix of complex & simple sentences6
Clear and correct grammar5
Task Achievement6
Complete response6
Clear & comprehensive ideas6
Relevant & specific examples6
Appropriate word count6
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