BAND 6.5 IELTS ESSAY SAMPLE: PROS AND CONS OF PRIVATE CARS VS PUBLIC TRANSPORT FOR ENVIRONMENTAL HEALTH

Explore this detailed IELTS essay sample which scores 6.5. The essay discusses the increasing use of private cars, its environmental and health impact, and the potential solution of improving public transportation. Gain insights and strategies for better IELTS Writing scores.

Writing Task

In today's world, people are increasingly using private cars for transportation, causing a considerable impact on the environment and public health. Some individuals argue that the government should take strict measures to limit the number of private vehicles, while others believe that improved public transport systems are a better solution. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion. Provide relevant examples and evidence to support your answer.

IELTS Writing Sample Essay with Band 6.0 Scoring and Feedback

In today's societies, the number of people preferring to use private cars has increase significantly which has led to serious effects on the environment and individuals' health. It is argued that using own vehicles should be either limited or banned, however some people believe that advanced public transportation can mitigate these issues. I believe, restricting people from using their own cars might be seen as a short-term solution, as more effective measures are needed. A lot of people tend to use their own cars which has created considerable negative impacts on the public health and the environment. Initially, Although, using private automobiles offers convenience and safety to its owners, it challenges the nation, since people would experience heavier traffic. As a result, it pollutes the air and consequently, individual' health would be affected. Moreover, it is urged that every government take effective steps to address the matter by employing restrict measures on private cars in order to decrease their numbers on the roads. Therefore, they can control the situation and its influence by limiting the usage of private vehicles. On the other hand, when there is no reasonable transport systems available in cities, officials should not except people to leave their cars at their garages and spent thousands of hours on the way so that they can commute between places. In other words, not only providing decent means of public transportation is persuading people to be more cooperative, but also the it will bring major benefits for the society and its people, such as, better air quality, saving more money owing to not using their own vehicles and save on their cars' fuels and maintenance and so on. Furthermore, another merit of this improvement would be the decline in the traffic congestions. Thus, saving time would be another dramatic advantage. Hence, providing a reliable public transportation would be a far better solution for this trait. I reckon, when citizens of a city could sense the beneficial effects of sufficient facilities and infrastructures, they would try to be an active person for their nation and the environments to reduce their damages. To put it differently, they always thick what they could have done differently in the past to either ease or prevent those harmful actins happening due to feeling more responsible and also becoming more motivated to cooperate, so I strongly think that rarely do limitations would make people to follow an idea, while making improvement and better amenities could help to have them on official and environmentally friendly people's side. In conclusion, Although the rise in the cars owners and their usages have become a global concerns because of their drawbacks on individual's the health and the environment, applying restricted rules would not be a permanent solution. In addition, in my opinion, offering better transportation ways would be more motivating .
Words: 471Paragraphs: 5
Submitted: 7/20/2023, 12:25 PM

Coherence And Cohesion6.0

The essay presents a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion, which helps in organizing the ideas logically. However, there are areas where the coherence and cohesion can be improved to enhance the flow and connection between ideas.

Recommendations:

  • Revisit the conclusion to ensure it effectively summarizes the main points discussed and reinforces the overall argument of the essay.
  • Ensure that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence that directly relates to the main argument of the paragraph. This will help in maintaining focus and coherence within each section.
  • Use more varied and precise linking words and phrases to connect ideas within and between paragraphs. This will help in making the transitions smoother and the argument more cohesive.
  • Avoid abrupt shifts in ideas and ensure that each paragraph logically follows from the previous one. This can be achieved by using transitional phrases that clearly indicate the relationship between ideas.

Lexical Resource6.0

The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary with some variety in word choice, but there are noticeable errors in word form, word choice, and collocations that occasionally impede clarity and precision.

Recommendations:

  • Expand your vocabulary range by learning synonyms and collocations to avoid repetition and enhance precision.
  • Pay attention to word forms and ensure the correct form is used, such as 'increase' instead of 'increase' for the correct tense, and 'actions' instead of 'actins'.
  • Use more specific and precise language to discuss the impacts of private car usage and public transport benefits, avoiding vague terms like 'serious effects' and 'considerable negative impacts'.
  • Avoid informal language and ensure formal word choice, such as 'spend' instead of 'spent' in the correct context, and 'expect' instead of 'except'.
  • Use collocations correctly, such as 'traffic congestion' instead of 'traffic congestions', and 'environmentally friendly' instead of 'environmentally friendly people's side'.

Grammatical Range6.0

The essay demonstrates a fair range of grammatical structures, including complex sentences and some varied sentence types. However, there are noticeable errors in subject-verb agreement, article usage, and sentence structure that occasionally impede clarity.

Recommendations:

  • Incorporate a wider range of complex structures and subordinate clauses to enhance the grammatical range.
  • Pay attention to article usage, ensuring correct use of 'a', 'an', and 'the', as seen in 'the environment and individuals' health' which should be 'the environment and individual health'.
  • Review sentence structure to avoid awkward phrasing and run-on sentences, such as 'Although, using private automobiles offers convenience and safety to its owners, it challenges the nation, since people would experience heavier traffic.' which could be more concise.
  • Ensure consistency in tense usage throughout the essay to maintain clarity and coherence.
  • Improve subject-verb agreement, especially with singular and plural forms, such as 'has increase' should be 'has increased'.

Task Achievement6.0

The essay addresses the task prompt by discussing both views on limiting private car usage and improving public transport systems. It presents a clear position in favor of enhancing public transportation as a more effective long-term solution. The argument is supported with examples and reasoning, although some ideas could be more fully developed and organized for clarity.

Recommendations:

  • Clarify the position in the introduction and conclusion to ensure a consistent and clear viewpoint throughout the essay.
  • Ensure that both perspectives are equally developed. The argument for public transport is more detailed than the argument for limiting private cars.
  • Include more specific examples or evidence to strengthen the argument for public transport systems.
GRADED
6.0
Coherence and Cohesion:6.0
Lexical Resource:6.0
Grammatical Range:6.0
Task Achievement:6.0
Band Score:6.0
Coherence and Cohesion6
Logical structure6
Introduction & conclusion present6
Supported main points6
Accurate linking words6
Variety in linking words6

Lexical Resource6
Varied vocabulary6
Accurate spelling & word formation6

Grammatical Range6
Mix of complex & simple sentences6
Clear and correct grammar6

Task Achievement6
Complete response6
Clear & comprehensive ideas6
Relevant & specific examples6
Appropriate word count6