BAND 6.5 IELTS ESSAY SAMPLE: INCREASING CRIME RATES - IDENTIFYING CAUSES AND SOLUTIONS

Explore our detailed analysis of band 6.5 score IELTS essay sample addressing corruption, poverty, unemployment, cultural factors contributing to illegal acts, and potential solutions. Learn how to effectively discuss complex societal issues in your IELTS essays.

Writing Task

"In many countries, the amount of crime is increasing. What do you think are the main causes of crime? How can we deal with those causes? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience. Write at least 250 words."

IELTS Writing Sample Essay with Band 6.0 Scoring and Feedback

It is becoming increasingly common to hear illegal acts has been increased. Poverty and unemployment are one of the key factors of corruption in many societies. Moreover, there are some flaws in every culture that can be the cause of illegal behavior. During a recession when job-seekers cannot find an adequate occupation, they confront too many problems like how to afford essential stuff for living or how to make money to pay the bills. As a consequence, poverty raises in the population. In addition, it causes becoming accustomed to face with penniless individuals. To provide initial materials, unemployed people resort to illegal acts and it leads to increasing corruption in countries. Culture has always been a part of a nation that the people of that nation feel proud of it. But it sometimes may result in violence. For instance, in India, it is believed the widow must commit suicide after her husband's death. Although this law has been established against this action, we still can find brides being forced after the death of their husbands to end their lives. Criminal activities cannot be solved or stopped over a night. To work out this issue the governments should improve the economy of that country. Because if criminals were asked the reason why become a lawbreaker, They would certainly say because of money. Providing jobs is the most important subject that must be considered by every government. criminal will be stopped by growing the economy. Besides government should make strict punishment for those who still pursue wrong thoughts and beliefs against humanity. In conclusion, though the issue of crime is not controllable and it cannot be solved easily, the initial actions must be taken by the governments.
Words: 285Paragraphs: 4
Submitted: 7/24/2023, 08:04 PM

Coherence And Cohesion5.5

The essay attempts to address the causes of crime and potential solutions, following a logical structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. However, there are issues with paragraphing and the use of cohesive devices that affect the overall flow and clarity of the essay.

Recommendations:

  • Avoid abrupt transitions between ideas. For instance, the jump from discussing poverty to cultural issues could be smoother with a linking sentence or phrase that ties these ideas together.
  • Ensure each paragraph has a clear central idea and is well-developed. For example, the first paragraph mentions both poverty and cultural flaws but does not clearly separate these ideas into distinct paragraphs.
  • Improve the use of referencing words (e.g., 'this', 'these') to avoid repetition and enhance cohesion. For example, instead of repeating 'illegal acts', use 'these actions' or 'such behavior' to maintain coherence.
  • Use a variety of cohesive devices to link ideas within and between sentences. For instance, use conjunctions like 'thus', 'therefore', and 'however' to show cause and effect or contrast more clearly.

Lexical Resource6.0

The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary relevant to the topic of crime, with some attempts to use less common lexical items such as 'illegal acts', 'corruption', 'penniless individuals', and 'lawbreaker'. However, there are several instances of inappropriate word choices and collocations, which affect the precision and clarity of expression.

Recommendations:

  • Be cautious with phrases that might be culturally sensitive or incorrect, such as 'widow must commit suicide'. Ensure that you understand the cultural context and the correct terms to use.
  • Expand your vocabulary related to crime and social issues by reading more articles and essays on these topics. This will help you use more precise and varied language.
  • Pay attention to collocations and word partnerships. For example, 'illegal acts has been increased' should be 'illegal acts have increased', and 'poverty raises in the population' should be 'poverty rises among the population'.
  • Use a wider range of synonyms to avoid repetition. For instance, instead of repeatedly using 'illegal acts', you could use terms like 'criminal activities' or 'unlawful behavior'.

Grammatical Range5.5

The essay demonstrates a basic range of grammatical structures with several errors in subject-verb agreement, sentence structure, and punctuation, which impede clarity and coherence.

Recommendations:

  • Use a variety of sentence structures, including complex and compound sentences, to enhance grammatical range and avoid repetitive sentence patterns.
  • Improve punctuation usage, especially with commas and periods, to separate ideas clearly and avoid run-on sentences.
  • Be cautious with verb tense consistency, especially when describing actions or situations that are ongoing or have a particular time reference.
  • Pay attention to subject-verb agreement, ensuring that singular subjects have singular verbs and plural subjects have plural verbs, e.g., 'illegal acts have been increased' instead of 'illegal acts has been increased.'
  • Ensure proper use of articles ('a,' 'an,' 'the') to improve sentence clarity and correctness.

Task Achievement6.0

The essay addresses the task prompt by identifying poverty and unemployment as the main causes of crime and suggests government intervention to improve the economy and implement strict punishments as solutions. However, the essay lacks depth in exploring these causes and solutions, and the examples provided are not fully developed or directly related to the task prompt.

Recommendations:

  • Provide a more detailed explanation of how poverty and unemployment specifically lead to crime, with clear examples and logical reasoning.
  • Expand on the proposed solutions by explaining how improving the economy and implementing strict punishments will effectively reduce crime rates.
  • Clarify the link between cultural issues and crime, ensuring that the examples used are directly related to the task prompt.
  • Ensure that examples provided are directly relevant to the causes and solutions of crime, and explain how they support the arguments.
GRADED
6.0
Coherence and Cohesion:5.5
Lexical Resource:6.0
Grammatical Range:5.5
Task Achievement:6.0
Band Score:6.0
Coherence and Cohesion5.5
Logical structure5
Introduction & conclusion present6
Supported main points5
Accurate linking words6
Variety in linking words5
Lexical Resource6
Varied vocabulary6
Accurate spelling & word formation6
Grammatical Range5.5
Mix of complex & simple sentences5
Clear and correct grammar6
Task Achievement6
Complete response6
Clear & comprehensive ideas6
Relevant & specific examples6
Appropriate word count6
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