BAND 6.5 IELTS ESSAY SAMPLE: IMPACT OF TECHNOLOGY ON INTERPERSONAL COMMUNICATION AND SOCIAL SKILLS

Explore our detailed IELTS essay sample, scored at band 6.5. It discusses the pros and cons of technological advancements and their impact on human communication. This essay offers in-depth analysis, focusing on the effects of technology on human emotions and body language. A great resource for IELTS preparation and study.

Writing Task

Some people argue that the increasing use of technology in our daily lives has led to a decrease in interpersonal communication and social skills, while others believe it has enhanced our ability to communicate. Discuss both views and give your own opinion. Support your answer with relevant examples and reasons.

IELTS Writing Sample Essay with Band 6.0 Scoring and Feedback

In contemporary life, technological development has been a prevalent and publicly recognized phenomenon, prompting a paradigm shift in the way human communicate. While the many advantages that may drive from this trend, I personally believe that this is predominantly disadvantageous for people. This essay will analyze both arguments before giving an appropriate conclusion. On the one hand, it is believe that human communication may have benefit from the development of technology. Firstly, as the advanced of mobile phones and networking sites, people living in recent decades can stay in contact with others any where and any time. This is especially meaning for people who are living abroad as they can make a video call for their relative on a daily basis, that protects them from the feeling of homesick. Secondly, there are several groups of people sharing their knowledge, hobbies or other interest in social networks. In these platform, people could communicate with a large number of people they can confide in. On the other hand, there are several reasons why I believe that communicating by technological devices may lead to bad effects on human. The first reason is that without direct communication, people could not comprehend the emotion of each other. Therefore, they could not give the right comments or advices to their partners, which could be a pie of cake if they have a face - to - face contact. An other reason worth mentioning is that when having video calls or communicating from technological devices, it is impractical for people to employ body language. It has been shown that body language such as eye sight, hand movement can express more than words . In conclusion, despite some merits of technological development, I strongly belie that people should have direct contact to represent their emotion and point of view efficiently.
Words: 302Paragraphs: 1
Submitted: 7/17/2023, 09:01 AM

Coherence And Cohesion6.0

The essay presents a clear structure, with an introduction, body paragraphs discussing both views, and a conclusion. However, coherence is weakened by some unclear transitions and cohesion issues due to inconsistent use of linking words and phrases. Some sentences lack clear connections, affecting the overall flow of ideas.

Recommendations:

  • Use a wider range of cohesive devices such as 'furthermore', 'in addition', and 'for instance' to enhance the clarity and connection between sentences and ideas.
  • Improve paragraph transitions by using clear linking phrases to guide the reader through the essay's argument. For instance, use phrases like 'On the other hand' and 'However' more effectively to contrast ideas.
  • Ensure each paragraph has a clear topic sentence that relates directly to the essay question, helping to maintain a coherent flow of ideas throughout.
  • Clarify the relationship between sentences by ensuring that each sentence logically follows the preceding one, avoiding abrupt shifts in ideas that can confuse the reader.

Lexical Resource6.0

The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with some use of less common lexical items, such as 'paradigm shift' and 'homesick'. However, there are frequent errors in word choice and form, such as 'believe' instead of 'believed', 'advanced' instead of 'advancement', and 'pie of cake' instead of 'piece of cake', which reduce clarity and precision. The use of idiomatic expressions is attempted but not always successful.

Recommendations:

  • Incorporate more precise vocabulary related to the topic, such as terms related to communication and technology, to enhance clarity.
  • Expand your range of vocabulary by learning synonyms and antonyms for common words used in the essay, and practice using them in context.
  • Familiarize yourself with idiomatic expressions and their correct usage to avoid errors like 'pie of cake' instead of 'piece of cake'.
  • Pay attention to word forms and collocations to ensure correct usage, such as using 'advancement' instead of 'advanced' when referring to progress.

Grammatical Range5.0

The essay demonstrates a basic range of grammatical structures, but there are frequent errors in sentence structure, verb forms, agreement, and punctuation. These errors sometimes impede communication and affect the clarity of the essay.

Recommendations:

  • Use a variety of sentence structures, including complex and compound sentences, to enhance grammatical range.
  • Pay attention to singular and plural forms, e.g., 'any where' should be 'anywhere' and 'these platform' should be 'these platforms.'
  • Improve punctuation usage, especially with commas and hyphens, e.g., 'face - to - face' should be 'face-to-face.'
  • Avoid run-on sentences by using appropriate conjunctions or separating them into shorter sentences.
  • Improve subject-verb agreement, e.g., 'the many advantages that may drive' should be 'the many advantages that may derive.'
  • Ensure correct verb forms are used, e.g., 'it is believe' should be 'it is believed' and 'have benefit' should be 'have benefited.'

Task Achievement6.0

The essay addresses the task by discussing both views regarding the impact of technology on communication, and provides a personal opinion. However, the thesis statement is not clearly aligned with the task requirements, as it declares a personal belief too early without adequately discussing both views first. The essay provides relevant examples, but the support for each view is somewhat imbalanced, with more emphasis on the negative aspects.

Recommendations:

  • Use more specific and varied examples to support both sides of the argument to enhance the depth of the discussion.
  • Ensure the thesis statement reflects a balanced discussion of both views before presenting your opinion.
  • Provide a more balanced analysis by giving equal weight to both perspectives before concluding with your opinion.
GRADED
6.0
Coherence and Cohesion:6.0
Lexical Resource:6.0
Grammatical Range:5.0
Task Achievement:6.0
Band Score:6.0
Coherence and Cohesion6
Logical structure6
Introduction & conclusion present6
Supported main points6
Accurate linking words6
Variety in linking words6
Lexical Resource6
Varied vocabulary6
Accurate spelling & word formation6
Grammatical Range5
Mix of complex & simple sentences5
Clear and correct grammar5
Task Achievement6
Complete response6
Clear & comprehensive ideas6
Relevant & specific examples6
Appropriate word count6
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