BAND 6.5 IELTS ESSAY SAMPLE: IMPACT OF TECHNOLOGICAL ADVANCEMENTS ON INTERPERSONAL RELATIONSHIPS QUALITY

Explore our band 6.5 score IELTS essay sample discussing the impact of technological advances on interpersonal relationships. Understand the influence of social media and virtual communication on personal interaction and mental health. Learn how to strike a balance between online and face-to-face communication.

Writing Task

Some people believe that technological advancements, specifically in the field of communication, have led to a decline in the quality of interpersonal relationships. To what extent do you agree or disagree? Provide reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

IELTS Writing Sample Essay with Band 6.0 Scoring and Feedback

Technological advances have revolutionized the way we travel، communicate and live as a whole. With the rise in social media, for example, the majority of people spend a great deal of time to communicate online. While these advancements have facilitated communication، some believe that modern technological means have left a mark on the quality of interpersonal relationships, leading to more isolation and less meaningful relationships. Fundamentally، face - to - face contacts are more effective to build and maintain close relationships. When individuals talk in person ، they have the chance to build eye contact and pick up on any inverbal clus, as a result, have a more meaningful interaction. For instance، when I talk with my friend in person, i feel more comfortable to talk about everything even the most private issues. Conversely, onlion chatting makes me uncomfortable to share some personal issues. Moreover, spending countless hours communicating online makes people isolated and lonely. The ease cutting edge communication technology brings, making people more eager to utilize them, consequently, they might spend planty of time on virtual world every day. The more time spent virtually، the less time spent face to face. So people may become isolated, anxious or even depressed. In conclusion, although modern technologies have paved the way we communicate especially with those who live miles away, personaly, I adhere to this idea that they have had a negative impact on the quality of interpersonal relationships. People should strike a balance between in-person communications and online ones.
Words: 250Paragraphs: 4
Submitted: 7/19/2023, 08:39 PM

Coherence And Cohesion6.0

The essay presents a clear position on the impact of technological advancements on interpersonal relationships, maintaining a logical flow of ideas. The use of linking words and phrases such as 'while', 'for example', 'consequently', and 'in conclusion' effectively guide the reader through the argument. Paragraphs are generally organized around central ideas, contributing to overall coherence. However, there are instances where sentence structures and transitions could be improved for smoother cohesion.

Recommendations:

  • Vary sentence structures to maintain reader interest and improve the natural flow of the essay.
  • Improve the logical flow between sentences by using more varied linking phrases to connect ideas, such as 'on the other hand', 'nevertheless', or 'as a result'.
  • Ensure consistency in the use of conjunctions and punctuation to enhance the readability and flow of the essay. For example, 'the ease cutting edge communication technology brings, making people more eager to utilize them' could be restructured for clarity.

Lexical Resource6.0

The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary relevant to the topic of technological advancements and interpersonal relationships. It uses some less common lexical items, such as "revolutionized," "facilitated," and "cutting edge." However, there are instances of lexical inaccuracies, such as "onlion" instead of "online," and "planty" instead of "plenty," which affect precision. Additionally, some phrases could be more sophisticated, and there is occasional repetition of words (e.g., "communicate," "relationships").

Recommendations:

  • Expand your vocabulary range by incorporating more varied and precise words related to technology and interpersonal relationships to avoid repetition.
  • Practice using collocations and idiomatic expressions to express ideas more naturally and effectively.
  • Ensure correct spelling and usage of words to enhance clarity and precision, such as "online" and "plenty."

Grammatical Range5.0

The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of grammatical structures, including complex sentences, but there are several grammatical errors that affect clarity and coherence.

Recommendations:

  • Capitalize the pronoun 'I' consistently to adhere to standard grammatical conventions.
  • Ensure subject-verb agreement, particularly in complex sentences, to maintain grammatical accuracy.
  • Pay attention to verb forms and tenses to ensure consistency throughout the essay.
  • Correct punctuation errors, such as misplaced commas and incorrect use of semicolons, to improve sentence clarity.

Task Achievement6.0

The essay addresses the prompt by discussing both the positive and negative impacts of technological advancements on interpersonal relationships, ultimately arguing that these advancements have negatively impacted relationship quality.

Recommendations:

  • Include more specific examples or evidence to support the claims made, especially regarding the negative impacts on interpersonal relationships.
  • Ensure that the thesis statement clearly outlines the extent of agreement or disagreement at the beginning of the essay.
  • Provide more balanced arguments by equally discussing the positive aspects of technological advancements on interpersonal relationships along with the negative ones.
  • Clarify the conclusion by summarizing the key points discussed in the essay and reiterating the stance taken more explicitly.
GRADED
6.0
Coherence and Cohesion:6.0
Lexical Resource:6.0
Grammatical Range:5.0
Task Achievement:6.0
Band Score:6.0
Coherence and Cohesion6
Logical structure6
Introduction & conclusion present7
Supported main points6
Accurate linking words6
Variety in linking words6

Lexical Resource6
Varied vocabulary6
Accurate spelling & word formation6

Grammatical Range5
Mix of complex & simple sentences5
Clear and correct grammar5

Task Achievement6
Complete response6
Clear & comprehensive ideas6
Relevant & specific examples6
Appropriate word count7