BAND 6.5 IELTS ESSAY SAMPLE: DISCUSSING URBAN MIGRATION AND THE SOLUTIONS TO PRESERVE SMALL COMMUNITIES

Explore our IELTS essay sample with a band 6.5 score discussing the growing trend of migration from rural areas to big cities. Discover the reasons behind this shift such as lack of facilities and job opportunities in rural regions. Privy yourself to the suggested solutions that can reverse this trend, promoting the revitalization of small towns and villages.

Writing Task

In many countries, people have been moving away from rural areas and towards urban centers, leading to the decline of small towns and villages. What are the reasons for this trend, and what can be done to prevent the disappearance of small communities? Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

IELTS Writing Sample Essay with Band 6.0 Scoring and Feedback

Since not long ago, many people have decided to leave their homes in the country sides and start a new life in big towns. This has become an issue and caused the vanishing of the small cities. Living in small communities alway had its problems. For instance, two main reasons why people tend to move from rural area is lack of facilities and jobs. For example In my country, the government usually concentrate on big town facilities and most of the vilages don't even have the simplest things for living such as public transport or hospitals. Another problem is that the diversity of jobs are less than big cities. Therfore, if an individual wants to follow their dream job, they need to leave their home town. To avoid this trend, firstly, the villages need to be as resemble as the big cities so that the people don't feel the lack of anything. In todays world having access to medical health centers in one of the earliest needs of every individual. So instructing such centers can be helpful. Secondly, it is needed to make an atmosphere so that everyone can start their favorite job and can make money from it. In my opinion, if those problems can be solved, so many people are enthusiast to get back to their home town outside the big cities. All in all, people leave their home in small towns because of the shortage of the things that is needed for living. Solving their problems can stop this trend and as a result villages can be maintained.
Words: 261Paragraphs: 4
Submitted: 7/22/2023, 08:58 AM

Coherence And Cohesion6.0

The essay generally follows a logical structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. However, there are some issues with coherence and cohesion, such as abrupt transitions and inconsistent use of cohesive devices, which can affect the overall flow and clarity of the essay.

Recommendations:

  • Avoid abrupt transitions between ideas and paragraphs. Use linking words or phrases to create smoother transitions, such as 'On the other hand' when introducing contrasting ideas.
  • Use more cohesive devices to link ideas within and between paragraphs, such as 'Firstly', 'Secondly', 'Moreover', 'Additionally', and 'In conclusion' to guide the reader through the argument more smoothly.
  • Ensure each paragraph has a clear central idea and that sentences within paragraphs logically follow one another. For example, the second paragraph could better tie the examples to the main point of lack of facilities and jobs.
  • Clarify pronoun references to avoid confusion, for instance, ensure 'those problems' clearly refers back to the specific issues discussed earlier in the essay.

Lexical Resource6.0

The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary to address the task, with some attempts at using less common lexical items. However, there are noticeable errors in word choice, collocation, and word formation that affect clarity and precision.

Recommendations:

  • Incorporate more precise and varied vocabulary to describe concepts, for example, using 'urban migration' instead of 'moving away from rural areas'.
  • Expand your vocabulary by learning synonyms and antonyms for common words to avoid repetition and enhance variety.
  • Pay attention to word choice and collocations to ensure that phrases are used correctly, such as 'country sides' which should be 'countryside' and 'vanishing of the small cities' which could be better expressed as 'decline of small towns'.
  • Be cautious with word formation and pluralization, such as 'alway' which should be 'always', 'vilages' which should be 'villages', and 'therfore' which should be 'therefore'.
  • Utilize collocations more effectively, for example, 'make an atmosphere' could be revised to 'create an environment' for better clarity.

Grammatical Range5.0

The essay demonstrates a basic control of grammatical structures, with some variety in sentence types. However, there are noticeable errors in subject-verb agreement, article usage, and verb forms that affect clarity and precision.

Recommendations:

  • Vary sentence structures more to include a wider range of complex and compound sentences for enhanced grammatical range.
  • Review subject-verb agreement rules, particularly in complex sentences, to ensure subjects and verbs consistently agree in number.
  • Improve article usage by practicing the distinction between definite, indefinite, and zero articles in various contexts.
  • Practice correct verb forms and tense consistency throughout the essay to maintain clarity and coherence.

Task Achievement6.0

The essay addresses the task prompt by discussing reasons for urban migration and suggesting solutions to prevent the decline of small communities. It identifies lack of facilities and job opportunities as primary reasons for migration and suggests improving rural infrastructure and job creation as solutions. The essay provides a personal opinion, aligning with task requirements.

Recommendations:

  • Clarify the opinion by explicitly stating it in the introduction and conclusion. This will help in maintaining a clear position throughout the essay.
  • Provide more detailed examples and evidence to support the reasons for migration and solutions. This will strengthen the argument and demonstrate a deeper understanding of the issue.
  • Ensure that the essay fully addresses both parts of the prompt: reasons for migration and solutions to prevent decline. While both aspects are mentioned, they could be more evenly developed.
GRADED
6.0
Coherence and Cohesion:6.0
Lexical Resource:6.0
Grammatical Range:5.0
Task Achievement:6.0
Band Score:6.0
Coherence and Cohesion6
Logical structure6
Introduction & conclusion present6
Supported main points6
Accurate linking words6
Variety in linking words6
Lexical Resource6
Varied vocabulary6
Accurate spelling & word formation6
Grammatical Range5
Mix of complex & simple sentences5
Clear and correct grammar5
Task Achievement6
Complete response6
Clear & comprehensive ideas6
Relevant & specific examples6
Appropriate word count6
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