BAND 6.5 IELTS ESSAY SAMPLE: DISCUSSING THE SOCIAL IMPACT OF RISING ELDERLY POPULATION

Dive into our detailed IELTS essay sample discussing the impacts of an increasing elderly population on society. Explore the pros and cons, from personal family struggles to potential boosts in volunteer work and societal contributions. Perfect for IELTS band 6.5 preparation.

Writing Task

In many countries, the number of elderly people is increasing steadily. Some believe that this trend has negative effects on society, while others argue that it has positive impacts. Discuss both views and give your own opinion. Provide relevant examples and evidence to support your answer.

IELTS Writing Sample Essay with Band 6.0 Scoring and Feedback

The attitude towards aged people figures' being on an increasing rate is mainly rooted in personal opinions and could vary from one nation to another. One view maintains that should the number of old people gradually increase in a country, it could result in beneficial impacts. Hels against this opinion is the negative ramification of such a trend in the rate of elderly people in society, which seems to be more sensible. On the one hand, those who criticize the notion of being a more aged population in society as a positive trend cite that doing so could result in curtailing the young generations' time which should be spent with family. This could stem from the fact that when the more elderly people are in a society, the more care they need. Such necessity might force youngsters to spend their after-work time for relaxing with their old parents. This could result in underlying repercussions on the young people, the most tangible of which is hindering them from experiencing the sheer joy of being with their family, acting as a stumbling block against developing meaningful relationships with their child since they have been accustomed to the absenteeism of their mother or father. This, in the long run, would lead to detrimental effects on the personality of the child such as poor self-esteem, depression, and academic underperformance. On the other side of the debate, It is believed that with a jump in the number of elderly people, the number of volunteer activities will rise significantly. The rationale behind this, the supporters say, is that the old group of humans tend more to capitalize on such altruistic works there are no extensive pecuniary burdens on their budget. As a result, they could spend more and more money on projects such as school construction, factory establishment, and medical facilities. Albeit advantageous in terms of financing the project, this effect is not deemed to be of crucial importance inasmuch as there is not enough young labor in society. Becoming an unproductive workforce is the immediate effect of downplaying this factor in a country, thereby acting as a deterrent against a country's thriving economically. To recapitulate, the positive outlook on the increased elderly population in a country seems to be on the brink of collapse. the young people being deprived of spending quality time with their family, as well as leading to a stagnated economy due to an unproductive workforce are the main factors behind affirming this argument.
Words: 412Paragraphs: 4
Submitted: 7/21/2023, 04:31 AM

Coherence And Cohesion6.0

The essay presents a discussion on both views regarding the increasing number of elderly people, but lacks clear and logical progression in ideas. The introduction sets up the topic, but the transition between ideas and paragraphs is somewhat abrupt, making it difficult to follow the argument. Additionally, the essay lacks cohesive devices and clear topic sentences that guide the reader through the argument effectively.

Recommendations:

  • Conclude each paragraph with a sentence that summarizes the main point discussed and links it back to the overall argument of the essay.
  • Incorporate more cohesive devices such as linking words and phrases (e.g., 'however', 'furthermore', 'on the contrary') to improve the flow of ideas.
  • Ensure that each paragraph logically follows from the previous one, maintaining a clear connection between ideas and arguments presented.
  • Use clear topic sentences for each paragraph to outline the main idea being discussed, ensuring logical progression from one paragraph to the next.

Lexical Resource6.0

The essay demonstrates a good range of vocabulary with some attempts to use less common lexical items. However, there are occasional inaccuracies and awkward expressions that affect clarity and precision.

Recommendations:

  • Expand the range of synonyms to avoid repetition, such as using 'elderly individuals' instead of repeatedly using 'old people.'
  • Avoid using complex vocabulary inaccurately, such as 'Hels against this opinion' which seems to be a misuse. Ensure that advanced vocabulary is used correctly and fits the context.
  • Improve the use of collocations and phrases. For example, 'curtailing the young generations' time' could be revised to 'limiting the time young generations spend with family' for better clarity.
  • Work on avoiding awkward phrasing, like 'the old group of humans tend more to capitalize on such altruistic works,' which can be simplified and clarified.

Grammatical Range6.0

The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of grammatical structures, including complex sentences, conditionals, and passive voice. However, there are several grammatical errors that affect clarity and coherence.

Recommendations:

  • Be cautious with pluralization and singular forms, such as 'the rationale behind this, the supporters say, is that the old group of humans tend more' which should be 'tends more.'
  • Ensure subject-verb agreement, especially in complex sentences (e.g., 'Hels against this opinion' should be 'Held against this opinion').
  • Use articles correctly, as in 'a more aged population' should be 'an older population' or 'a more elderly population.'
  • Pay attention to correct preposition use, such as 'figures' being on an increasing rate' which should be 'figures increasing at a steady rate.'
  • Avoid awkward phrasing by simplifying sentence structures, for example, 'the young people being deprived' could be rephrased to 'young people are deprived.'

Task Achievement6.0

The essay addresses the task by discussing both views on the increasing number of elderly people and provides an opinion. It presents arguments for both sides, with examples and reasoning, fulfilling the basic requirements of Task Achievement.

Recommendations:

  • Ensure clarity in presenting the main ideas for each perspective. The introduction could more clearly outline the structure and main points of the essay.
  • Provide more specific examples and evidence to support each argument, particularly for the positive impacts of an increasing elderly population.
  • Ensure that the conclusion clearly reflects the discussion in the body paragraphs and provides a balanced summary of both views along with the writer's opinion.
GRADED
6.0
Coherence and Cohesion:6.0
Lexical Resource:6.0
Grammatical Range:6.0
Task Achievement:6.0
Band Score:6.0
Coherence and Cohesion6
Logical structure6
Introduction & conclusion present6
Supported main points6
Accurate linking words6
Variety in linking words6

Lexical Resource6
Varied vocabulary6
Accurate spelling & word formation6

Grammatical Range6
Mix of complex & simple sentences6
Clear and correct grammar6

Task Achievement6
Complete response6
Clear & comprehensive ideas6
Relevant & specific examples6
Appropriate word count6