BAND 6.5 IELTS ESSAY SAMPLE: DISCUSSING IMPACTS OF RISING OLDER POPULATION IN COUNTRIES

Explore an insightful Band 6.5 IELTS essay sample discussing the impact of an increasing ageing population on a country's demography. Learn how this trend can pose challenges and opportunities from various perspectives including natural resources, workforce efficiency, and healthcare requirements.

Writing Task

In many countries, the proportion of older people in the population is steadily increasing. Some argue that this demographic shift has negative consequences for society, while others believe it presents opportunities. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

IELTS Writing Sample Essay with Band 6.0 Scoring and Feedback

Nowadays, the share of the elderly in the a country's is on a an increasing trend in many regions. In the writer's opinion, this change in the demography can cause harmful consequences while there are some people who might see this situation as an opportunity. This essay seeks to assess both ideas and present the writer's ideas about the topic. Focusing on the ones who support this situation, there are some people who believe that as the population grows the natural resources and environment will face threats. Since the high proportion of older people in a country reveals the low rate of new born babies and in other words the low rate of population growth, in the case of saving the environment, these people find their interest in the discussed circumstances. On the other hand, out of those people who consider this situation as a danger, some believe that not only the high population rate of the elderly means that there are less efficient workforce and professionals that the past and they are worried that the current job positions can not be replaced by proper people, but also the more the older people the more medical and health services and pension payments required and the latter issue is a crucial task for the governments. In conclusion, although some people assume that the steadily increase in the proportion of the elderly because of the scarcity of the natural resources and the environment's sake is delightful, the writer stands with the ones who see this situation as threat because of the low rate of professional workforce and the high costs of the social services for the older people.
Words: 276Paragraphs: 5
Submitted: 7/19/2023, 06:26 PM

Coherence And Cohesion6.0

The essay is structured into an introduction, two body paragraphs, and a conclusion, which helps in maintaining a logical flow of ideas. However, there are issues with the coherence and cohesion, particularly in the use of linking words and the logical progression of ideas.

Recommendations:

  • Improve the use of linking words and phrases to enhance the logical flow between sentences and paragraphs. For example, use 'Firstly', 'Secondly', and 'Finally' to introduce new points and 'Moreover', 'Furthermore', or 'Additionally' to add supporting points.
  • Clarify the relationship between ideas within paragraphs to improve coherence. For instance, in the second paragraph, explicitly connect the idea of low birth rates to environmental benefits to strengthen the argument.
  • Use pronouns and synonyms effectively to avoid repetition and maintain cohesion. For example, replace 'older people' with synonyms like 'the elderly' or 'senior citizens' to maintain variety and cohesion.
  • Ensure each paragraph has a clear central idea and that supporting sentences directly relate to it. The third paragraph introduces several points that could be more clearly linked to the main argument about the negative consequences of an aging population.

Lexical Resource6.0

The essay contains a range of vocabulary related to the topic, such as 'demographic shift', 'natural resources', 'efficient workforce', and 'pension payments'. However, there are several lexical inaccuracies and awkward phrases that affect clarity and precision. For example, phrases like 'the share of the elderly in the a country's' and 'the more the older people the more medical and health services' are awkward and grammatically incorrect, impacting the overall lexical resource evaluation.

Recommendations:

  • Ensure correct usage of articles and prepositions to avoid awkward phrasing. For example, 'on a an increasing trend' should be 'is on an increasing trend'.
  • Expand vocabulary range by using more precise terms. Instead of 'high costs of the social services', consider using 'increased financial burden on social services'.
  • Avoid repetition of phrases such as 'people who believe' and 'some people'. Use synonyms or restructure sentences to vary expression.
  • Improve the use of collocations and phrases to enhance clarity. For instance, replace 'the share of the elderly in the a country's' with 'the proportion of elderly people in a country's population'.

Grammatical Range5.5

The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of grammatical structures, including complex sentences and passive voice. However, there are several grammatical errors, such as incorrect article usage, subject-verb agreement issues, and awkward sentence constructions, which affect clarity and coherence.

Recommendations:

  • Vary sentence structures further to include more complex and compound sentences.
  • Ensure subject-verb agreement is maintained (e.g., 'the steadily increase' should be 'the steady increase').
  • Improve sentence structure by avoiding run-on sentences and using conjunctions correctly (e.g., 'not only... but also' structure is incorrectly used).
  • Use appropriate prepositions to enhance clarity (e.g., 'in a country' rather than 'in the a country').
  • Review and correct article usage (e.g., 'a country's' should be 'a country').

Task Achievement6.0

The essay addresses the prompt by discussing both views on the increasing proportion of older people. It identifies the environmental benefits of a reduced birth rate and the challenges of a shrinking workforce and increased social service costs. The writer's opinion is clearly stated, aligning with the view that the demographic shift presents more threats than opportunities.

Recommendations:

  • Ensure that the essay's conclusion summarizes both views effectively before stating the writer's opinion.
  • Ensure that both views are given balanced attention. The argument about environmental benefits is underdeveloped compared to the challenges presented by an aging population.
  • Clarify the main ideas and ensure they directly address the prompt. The connection between aging population and environmental benefits is not clearly explained.
  • Provide specific examples or evidence to support each view. For instance, mention specific countries or statistics to illustrate the impact of an aging population.
GRADED
6.0
Coherence and Cohesion:6.0
Lexical Resource:6.0
Grammatical Range:5.5
Task Achievement:6.0
Band Score:6.0
Coherence and Cohesion6
Logical structure6
Introduction & conclusion present6
Supported main points6
Accurate linking words6
Variety in linking words6
Lexical Resource6
Varied vocabulary6
Accurate spelling & word formation6
Grammatical Range5.5
Mix of complex & simple sentences5.5
Clear and correct grammar5.5
Task Achievement6
Complete response6
Clear & comprehensive ideas6
Relevant & specific examples6
Appropriate word count6
Grade Your Essay