BAND 6.5 IELTS ESSAY SAMPLE: DISCUSSING IMPACTS OF RISING ELDERLY POPULATION IN COUNTRIES

Understand the implications of an aging population with our Band 6.5 IELTS essay sample. Explore the positive influence and potential challenges of an increasing elderly demographic in our societies. Engage with the debate on the effects of seniors holding job positions and its impact on the younger generation's opportunities. Analyze the advantages and disadvantages of the preservation of traditions versus modernization as it relates to age-related societal structures.

Writing Task

In many countries, the number of elderly people is increasing steadily. Some believe that this trend has negative effects on society, while others argue that it has positive impacts. Discuss both views and give your own opinion. Provide relevant examples and evidence to support your answer.

IELTS Writing Sample Essay with Band 6.0 Scoring and Feedback

Nowadays, decrease in the number of youngster have made an increase in the number of old people and its effects. Opinion's are divided as the effect of this increase is beneficial or its is unpleasant on society. In my opinion, this phenomena impacts society in a negative way. There is merits of existence of old people who influence their surrounding and relatives and make them to take advantage of that persons experience from years and develop their skills. It is also delightful to have grandparents in your life and it is a great help for families when they want someone to take care of their child. In spite of the fact that life is changing due to new technology and how life is getting modern, elderly help in preserving the traditions and culture. On the other hand, since lots of career positions are in possession of older people there is not enough job opportunities for young generation. Due to the experience and maturity of old people, society wants them to do most of the jobs and there is not enough space for the development of new generation. In addition, for the reason of increasing age of these people, after some time they lose some of their abilities and face some disease like losing focus, having hearing problems and alzheimer. Over all, people should be aware on both impacts of old generation and how they are influencing society and taking chances from young generation. Despite the benefits of this trend the disadvantages of it could be more intense in the future.
Words: 260Paragraphs: 1
Submitted: 7/21/2023, 10:07 AM

Coherence And Cohesion6.0

The essay attempts to address both perspectives on the increasing number of elderly people, but it lacks clear organization and logical flow. The introduction is somewhat confusing and does not clearly outline the main points that will be discussed. The body paragraphs are not effectively linked, and there is a lack of cohesive devices to guide the reader through the argument. The conclusion restates the opinion but does not effectively summarize the key points discussed in the essay.

Recommendations:

  • Use clear topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph to guide the reader.
  • Use a variety of cohesive devices (e.g., 'Firstly,' 'In addition,' 'However') to link ideas within and between paragraphs.
  • Ensure that each paragraph logically follows from the previous one to improve the overall flow of the essay.
  • Conclude with a summary that effectively encapsulates the main points discussed in the essay.
  • Improve the introduction by clearly outlining the main points that will be discussed in the essay.

Lexical Resource6.0

The essay demonstrates a basic range of vocabulary with some attempts to use less common words and phrases. However, there are frequent errors in word choice, form, and spelling that impede clarity and precision.

Recommendations:

  • Use a wider range of linking words and phrases to connect ideas smoothly, such as 'furthermore,' 'moreover,' and 'consequently.'
  • Pay attention to collocations and fixed expressions to improve naturalness. For instance, 'opinion's are divided' should be 'opinions are divided.'
  • Practice using complex vocabulary accurately. For example, 'phenomena' is plural; the singular form is 'phenomenon.'
  • Be careful with spelling and grammatical forms, such as 'its is' instead of 'it is' and 'there is merits' should be 'there are merits.'
  • Expand your vocabulary by learning synonyms and different word forms to express ideas more precisely. For example, instead of 'decrease in the number of youngster,' use 'decline in the youth population.'

Grammatical Range5.0

The essay demonstrates a limited range of grammatical structures, with frequent errors in sentence construction, verb forms, and agreement. While there are attempts at complex sentences, they often lack clarity and precision.

Recommendations:

  • Focus on correct use of articles ('a', 'an', 'the'), as incorrect usage is prevalent throughout the essay.
  • Review and practice the correct use of possessive forms, as seen in the misuse of "Opinion's" instead of "Opinions."
  • Pay attention to verb tenses and forms, ensuring consistency and correctness, such as using 'phenomenon' instead of 'phenomena' for singular form.
  • Avoid fragmented sentences by ensuring each sentence has a clear subject and predicate.
  • Work on subject-verb agreement, ensuring that singular and plural subjects have the correct verb forms.
  • Improve sentence structure by practicing the use of subordinate clauses to enhance sentence complexity and coherence.

Task Achievement6.0

The essay addresses the task prompt by discussing both the positive and negative impacts of an increasing elderly population, as required. It provides a clear opinion, stating that the trend has a negative impact on society. However, the discussion of both views lacks depth and specific examples, which limits the effectiveness of the task response.

Recommendations:

  • Clarify the argument regarding the preservation of traditions and culture by the elderly with more concrete examples.
  • Ensure that the conclusion clearly summarizes the main points and reinforces the opinion stated, possibly offering a balanced view or solution.
  • Expand on the positive impacts of an increasing elderly population with more specific examples and detailed explanations.
  • Provide specific examples and evidence to support the claim that the elderly limit job opportunities for the younger generation.
GRADED
6.0
Coherence and Cohesion:6.0
Lexical Resource:6.0
Grammatical Range:5.0
Task Achievement:6.0
Band Score:6.0
Coherence and Cohesion6
Logical structure6
Introduction & conclusion present6
Supported main points6
Accurate linking words6
Variety in linking words6
Lexical Resource6
Varied vocabulary6
Accurate spelling & word formation6
Grammatical Range5
Mix of complex & simple sentences5
Clear and correct grammar5
Task Achievement6
Complete response6
Clear & comprehensive ideas6
Relevant & specific examples6
Appropriate word count6
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